I have been living with my fiancé for 6 years and we have had our share of issues since being together. In 2007 and 2009, I caught him having at best emotional affairs (proof in IM transcripts and text messages) and probably physical affairs with several women. He used to be in a job that required him to travel frequently, and he met many of these women in his travels. In the last four years, I have gradually built my trust back up for him and thought all the cheating and lying was behind us. I began to truly forgive him and believe that it was just our young age that caused the problems in the beginning. I was 19 and he was 23 when we moved in together in 2007.

Well, yesterday I found him sitting in a car in a parking log with a woman alone when he told me he was at work. I just got out of the hospital two days ago, I have had pneumonia for two weeks and he seemed distant. He told me this woman was just a friend and that he hasn't told me about any of his woman friends because he thought I would overreact. I told him that of course I feel jealous and suspicious because of our past. He agrees that he understands a little and seems somewhat apologetic.

I went home and checked our cell phone account records and he has been talking to this one woman everyday on the phone for at least 15-20 min and has been texting her 30-40 times per day. To me that seems excessive for a friend.

I am trying to move on from what has happened, and I was able to talk to the girl who seems genuinely just a friend, but it still is making me so depressed and helpless feeling.

Do you think that I should keep trying to believe that this is just a friendship? Do I have the right to ask him to stop? I really love him and just wish we could learn to live without all these lies and suspicions. I feel so let down after finally believing that these types of problems were behind us.

The first issue is that he's been your fiancé for 6 years. People should only have a fiancé for a year. Unless they are deployed in the military or get engaged as college sophomores and want to wait until they graduate, I see no reason anyone should be engaged more than a year. With six years, you could get two degrees or get through three deployments - it's a rediculously long time to wait. In all this time, one of you or both of you haven't been ready to get married. Even if it's a matter of affording a wedding - people who really put being together as their top priority would forgo a fancy wedding and get married, making it a priority.

Second, he's cheated on you repeatedly. I can't imagine texting ANYONE that often. It's ridiculous. He's lying to you.

Move on - be done with this tool. You may fear you won't find someone else but I think it would be worse to think this is the best you will ever have. Isn't that unthinkable to you? That you could waste the rest of your life on someone who won't get around to actually marrying you, won't stop cheating and on top of that, says he lies and cheats beyind your back because YOU would be unreasonable if you knew what he's up to? This is now YOUR fault?

I don't think so - let him go move on with his "friend" who he's texting as a full-time job and move on without him. You don't have him now anyway.

I can say that I am the one who has postponed getting married, he has said many times that he is ready an wants to start a family. I agree that I would love to be married to him, but I need to trust him to do that.

What holds me to him is the fact that I feel like he is my best friend, we have such complimentary ideals and personalities. Of course we fight about common things that all couples do, but the only glaring issue is the one I've mentioned here.

Obviously, I can agree it is a huge flaw. I am constantly getting asked out on dates by random men in the supermarket, etc, so I know that my life isn't over without him. It just makes me so sad because everything else about our relationship seems so perfect. We are so physically compatible, as well as share the same passions and dreams. I wish I knew that I could have that kind of relationship without the threat of cheating.

Furthermore, I don't think he wants to leave me. I can feel his love. The worst is that I think he just enjoys having attention on the side. So in that way, I guess you're right and it's possible he will never change. He is 29 now, about to turn 30. I can't use the young excuse anymore.

6 years is a long time to be in a half a$$ed relationship with problems and of course with the history between you makes it so hard to trust. My thinking is if there is no deep commitment in 6 years, there will never be. But you will get more of the same behavior you have been getting in those 6 years.

Sorry, but I would have been long gone 4 years ago for sure.

The "only" issue you have is that you can't trust him? A relationship with a person you cannot trust is not real - it's in your imagination. Let me explain what I mean.

If you ever marry this man you will continue to catch him in lies. You will be the last to know, the first to be made a fool.

I was married to a guy like this. He once told me he had to work very late on a deadline - several nights in a row. I had my little kindergarten son help me make a dinner and cupcakes to bring to Daddy - we talked about how Daddy would have to eat while he worked. We went to his office to drop it off. My son didn't see him but I did - in a car with another woman. He got out of the car with a left-over container from a restaurant, and kissed her as he got out of the car. Then he got in his car and drove home. I took back roads and got home first. I didn't tell him I had seen him - I asked how things went and he said he wasn't hungry because he had a late lunch, and that he had just finished his project moments before.

I caught him in several lies and realized in the final analysis, he put no value on the truth. He put no value on promises. He did what he wanted, and said what he felt would make things easiest for himself.

When you have a life with a person like this, you are building a house over a sinkhole. There is no foundation at all - there is absolutely nothing holding you and your family up. All the things that matter - the trust, the shared objectives, respect for one another, shared commitment to the wellfare of one another and your children - they aren't real. Like everything else he says, he will say what is expected when he recites his wedding vows, but this is not a man with the maturity or self-respect to care what they mean. The moment it's more to his immediate satisfaction to disregard those promises, he will.

You haven't married him because you know he's not marriage material. You don't need soneone else to tell you that. Perhaps what you need someone to tell you is that you'll be OK without him. You'll be better without him.

When I divorced my husband I learned the greatest truth of my life. It is far lonelier to be in a relationship with someone who treats you as my husband treated me - as your boyfriend treats you - than it is to actually be alone. When he is gone, you will have the space to fill your life up with things, and people, of value. Wouldn't you rather have that?

Who cares if this is just a friendship, he should know better than be like that, and respect you more, what do I think, of course it is more than a friendship,

He has a history of this and you should have been long gone years ago. I just can't believe you are still there.

I agree with the other responses you are getting - lack of trust is a deal breaker - but it really does sound like you prefer to defend the relationship. That makes me wonder if you have bounced this off people you both know. I hope you don't live in isolation with him, with no friends. That would make anyone tend to be possessive and jealous of 'friends' who might turn out to be lovers. In fact it could help cause it.
So... how many friends of your own do you have around daily or weekly, and what do they have to say about his trustworthiness or lack thereof?

Secondly, you ask if you have the right to ask him to stop seeing her. Relationships aren't about asking/demanding that someone to stop something. Instead you say how you feel and ask for a response. "The amount of time you spend with her and phoning bothers me because there's so much of it, like it's an involvement past just friends." You listen to what he has to say, you discuss it more, and then you make a decision about whether to accept it or not.
Do you see the enormous difference? Dealing with relationship problems is a 2 part process: communicate feelings and attempt to resolve, then accept or break up if you can't resolve. You don't agonize over whether to ask, demand or ignore.

People show us patterns of behaviors. You have 6 years of his patterns. Do you think this is going to stop? Doesn't seem like it. If you want a relationship where you cannot trust your partner, then by all means marry him. If you want something better and someone who respects you, then kick this cheat to the curb.

You could always call the TV show Cheaters and become a star.

I definitely don't want to air my grievances live for the whole world to see, so TV shows aren't an option.

I agree with all of you, I think I just needed to have an outside opinion. I really did want to make it work, I have so much invested in my relationship. But I've already given him the first half of my 20s, I agree he doesn't deserve anymore time to figure himself out.

I just have to figure out how to conjure up the courage to do it.

Courage? To be alone? Or tell him?
Just keep the image alive of 'giving him the first half of your 20s' as you pack your bags.
Just say you have had enough. Breaking up doesn't mean you have to present a case to a judge and jury. You leave! Done, out the door.

Oliver was being tongue in cheek -

Anyway, why would you talk to the person with whom you believe he's having an emotional affair (or physical)?

This problem is between you and him. I would care little about what she said. I don't understand how you came to be in contact.

She obviously knows he's engaged to you. She obviously doesn't care.

I hope this isn't a situation where a man cheats and two women are trying for his affection/attention.

And I agree - what is it that you are afraid of? Being alone? Starting over?

I didn't realize how unhappy I truly was until I divorced a cheating/abusive husband - and, yes, it's better to be alone with yourself and happy (and sometimes sad) than live with uncertainty and confusion.

I am an investigator - people are sick of hearing this but I'm not so I'll say it again. I've done this type of work for years. There are two types of cheaters - one cheats, repents for whatever reason, it never happens again.

I call the second category serial cheaters. He (and sometimes she) cheats and keeps cheating and nothing changes that. Is it some type of mental illness, some type of character flaw, something else? I really don't know and I pretty much don't care.

You know which type you're engaged to. Somewhere in your heart you know.

He wants to start a family? Then you'll not only be home alone and wondering where he is, you'll be home caring for an infant/child and wondering where he is.

I'd be so concerned about an STD, any type of STD, that I'd be taking a very close look at just what this relationship means to you.

And I know it's hard. I also think you express yourself and your feelings very well and need to spend some time alone, outside of the pressure, thinking things over.

Good luck - I know it's hard, whichever decision you make.