Can someone please talk to me about my relationship?
So, here's the deal. My boyfriend is very jealous. He always accuses me of staring at other men (which I don't. I didn't even stare at men before I met him. I've never been one to check people out randomly.) He's said it would make him feel jealous, inadequate and unloved if he caught me looking at naked men (porn) or watching any other type of porn. Also says the same thing about sex toys. I don't care. I never watched porn to begin with and I honestly don't masturbate.
He's stopped having sex with me and I keep catching him looking at porn or watching porn. He will say, "Babe, I don't feel good. Please run out and get me something to eat at Burger King." I'll oblige, only to see a few days later that while I was out waiting at a drive through for his food, that he'd been DVRing porn. It does make me feel inadequate. He's looking at big breasted, slutty girls and I only wear an A-cup bra size.
I've caught him over and over again for the past year and a half with this. And every time he starts crying and telling me he's sorry.
My first question is: Am I wrong for not wanting him to watch porn because it makes me feel bad?
My second question is: Why do you think he continues to watch it when he's admitted to me that it would make him feel like sh** if I did the same thing?
We've been together for two years. I'm nineteen, he's twenty-four. He also has a bad problem with hitting me, choking me, grabbing me, throwing me, pushing me, biting me, and shoving me up against walls when we fight. As if that isn't bad enough, it's made worse because there's a HUGE size difference between us. I'm tiny. I'm 4'11" and only weigh 80 pounds. He's 5'11" and weighs two hundred pounds.
I've told him several times that he has one more chance and if he ever puts another hand on me again, I'd leave him. Every time, he puts on a big act (crying, apologizing, swearing he won't do it again), but it happens at least once every two weeks.
A few weeks ago, he did it again and I got in my car and was about to leave. When I was pulling away, he stood in front of my car. I stopped and he jumped in the passenger side, cried, apologized, and begged me to stay. I kept telling him that I couldn't do it anymore. He threatened to kill himself,then he threatened to kill my dog and cat if I left.
I didn't believe him, but he kept crying and begging. I finally told him that it was his LAST chance and that I meant it that time. When we got back inside, he downed half a bottle of aspirin and I had to rush him to the hospital.
Two weeks later, we got into a fight and he grabbed me by the arms and shoved me against the sink. I forgave him, AGAIN, and we went on with our day. Later that night, we got into another argument and he put me in a headlock and choked me until I nearly blacked out. I told him that I was leaving and that I was done giving him chances. When I went to walk out the door, he grabbed my arm and threw me back. We kept at this for a little while until he grabbed a big bottle of Jagermeister in one hand and my upper arm in the other and raised it like he was going to hit me. I kept running my mouth and he put the bottle down and stepped back. I tried to leave again and he picked up a BB gun and raised it like he was going to hit me over the head with the butt of it. I still didn't back down.
I eventually got out, but he was calling and texting me. I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to go to my parents' and explain what happened. I don't want them to know that he puts his hands on me. I also didn't want him to end up killing my dog and cat (I know it sounds stupid, but I'm the kind of person who doesn't want any living thing being hurt or killed for no reason and I won't let it happen because of me, either.). So, I ended up going back.
Another thing is his brother. His brother has always talked really badly about me to my boyfriend. He says really terrible things and my boyfriend never stops him. His brother calls me a lazy b**** because I don't have a job. (My boyfriend thinks that the man should provide for his family and doesn't want me to have a job.) Yet, my boyfriend doesn't tell his brother that when he's talking bad about me for not having one.
His brother never says anything in front of me, only to my boyfriend over text messages or in person when I'm not there. My boyfriend won't defend me and he won't let me defend myself to his brother because he doesn't want his brother thinking that he tells me things.
His brother calls me things like "slut" or stinky p****. He also lied and told my boyfriend that I stole his credit card, bought something on Amazon, and shipped it to my parents address. He said the cops gave him a print out on the transaction. I knew it was a lie, so I demanded proof, which he wouldn't show.
My boyfriend also KNEW that it was a lie. He said he defended me when his brother accused me, but I overheard him on the phone tell his brother, "She might have stolen your card, man. If she did, I didn't know about it. I swear."
Another thing is that my boyfriend is always calling me a slut and saying that I'm cheating on him. I'm not. I was a virgin before I met him. He is the only man that I've ever slept with. I only had three boyfriends before him. One I dated for a year. I only every just kissed my other boyfriends.
I'm most definitely not a slut. I don't even have any guy friends anymore. The only people I talk to are my mom, my dad, my sister, and my boyfriend.
I already have depression, have had it since I was a young child. I also have a history of hurting myself (burning and cutting). I hurt myself when I'm frustrated. When he gets to calling me a slut and all that other stuff, I sometimes end up cutting or burning myself to drown out his voice.
He doesn't appreciate me at all. Every day, I wish that I'll accidentally run my car off the road and get hurt so badly that I'm in a coma and almost die. I pray for that to happen so that my boyfriend will realize how he treats me and want to change if I live. I don't feel like he'll realize the full extent of how he treats me until I almost die or something. (Just leaving him for a little while is not going to make him realize anything. I already know that much.)
That brings up my last questions:
Third question is: How do I get him to stop putting his hands on me? I love him and I don't want to leave, but this has been going on for over a year and he won't stop for more than two weeks.
Fourth question is: Why do you think he won't defend me against his brother? I would never let anyone talk about him so badly. Why won't he stand up for me?
Fifth question is: Why does my boyfriend call me a slut and accuse me of cheating when he knows he's the only person I've ever had sex with?
Sixth question: Can someone please give me some advice? I don't want to leave him, but I can't take it if things go like this any longer.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay. I feel like I'm stuck, because I don't want either one of the choices. Sometimes, I think about killing myself. What stops me is knowing that my boyfriend isn't going to take care of our dogs or cats if I'm dead. They'll all starve or dehydrate to death if I'm not around. What else stops me is that I don't want to hurt my parents or my sister. I know they'll get over my death eventually, but I don't want to cause them that kind of pain to begin with. I also don't want them blaming my boyfriend for my suicide.
I just need help. Please, someone help me.
