This began 22+ years ago.

My son had a job that was with a very renown company. He got in an auto accident and received a settlement. He was on disability and was not to do any physical activities. He was fired because he was out bowling. When he received the settlement he was spending it like water. I encouraged him to put it into a investment acct. but he didn't so I did. I also put in money, along with a friend. I paid all his bills, gave him money for job hunting, along with fun money. This went on for a couple of years.

I finally told him he needed to either get a job, go to school, or start up a business. He refused all. I finally put a time limit and he did nothing. So at about 24 1/2 I had him move out. He started to withdrawal from the investment acct. and also my checking and savings acct. I was fined for that and moved the money to another investment company. Also changed banks. I offered to pay my friend back, I was told no you didn't take the money, he did.

After he moved out he moved in with a girlfriend and her mom. That didn't last long. He then moved in with another girl. That lasted a couple of years and they then split as she was solely supporting him. He finally got a job and has been with that company to the present.

He first moved into a house with several guys. Then after a couple of years moved in with a girl he met on the internet. They have been together about 7-8 years now. They had a baby appr. 2 1/2 years ago. A little girl. During all this time he first would call, then it became emails mostly and then nothing.

I continued to send cards, try to talk to him, but he just refused. I found about the baby via e mail. I wanted to participate, to get to know the baby, offered to watch her, but was told NO. When the girlfriend and my son first got together, I called and was trying to introduce myself, but the phone was taken by my son. We never spoke again.

I first met the girlfriend when the baby was about 6 months old for only about an hour. I was told that if I wanted any contact with the baby it would be by appt. only. And with supervision. I refused. I wasn't a predator. I refused to be treated like that and knew when he felt like it he would take away any visiting and won't allow him to hurt either of us.

During this bad economy I lost my job and almost lost my home. On a rare occasion he called and asked why I was quiet. I told him I don't know what to do and told him I may lose the house, he said, no don't do that, use the money. Eventually I had to use it and told him I did. He hasn't bothered with me since, except for a Christmas card which said, the same as others he had sent in the past. He was angry that I had used the money and I said, you told me to. He said, well I didn't think you could. Investment companies won't let you use it without heavy fines, but the time limit had closed so there was no fine.

I now believe he told me what he said, because it's what he thought that's what I wanted to hear, but when I did he was angry. I feel that I'm dead to him and don't know what to do or what I can do. I intend to give him the house and everything I have when I pass. He is my only child and all I have and no matter what he has done, I love him with no conditions. I want to do what is best for him and if staying out of his life and him acting like I'm dead makes him happy, well I don't like it and wish it were different.

If you have thoughts or suggestions, I would be most appreciative and await your replies. I am very deeply hurt, but don't know what to do. Thank you, Joann.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I'm 42, and I lost both of my parents when I was 30. I'm an only child as well. My parents are actually dead, I can't imagine them doing anything, if they were still alive, that would make me treat them the way he's treating you.

Does he have a right to be angry that you spent money that belonged to him? Well, yes, he does. But you asked him and he said you should. If he didn't mean it, he shouldn't have said it.

Can you pay him back? Have you thought about counseling? If not for the family, at least for you, so you can find a way to deal with this.

Sadly, it takes two to tango, and if he doesn't want to dance, there's no way to force him. Maybe a therapist can help you find a way to reach out to him, and repair your broken relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

Part of the emotional aspect of this is the financial part. I can't make head nor tail of the way the money was handled. He was an adult when he got his settlement, yet you took it over somehow. Then for some reason he had access to your bank account, and for some reason a friend contributed. This makes no sense. If you put the settlement in an account that had no or limited access for some amount of time, and he needed money why in the world did you let him have access to your account, plus take money from someone else? And to add even more confusion, the investment account was still there when you lost your job, and he hadn't spent it all? After making it sound like he was going through it like water, how is it that he left a not insignificant amount?

I see a caring, helpful mother who perhaps was too helpful when he was in his 20s. A man who can go bowling wasn't very disabled and you must have known that. In hindsight, don't you think he would have been better left to fail or succeed on his own?

I also see a possible and very concrete solution: a financial mediator to go over how much was spent by whom over the years with you, and then with him, and at the very least settle the score over money. Money has long been known from various studies to be the reason for spouses fighting, and it could be behind this mother-son estrangement too.

My son was under 18 when this started, He had a good job, lost it due to he was on disability and wasn't suppose to due physical activiety. He did and he lost his job. I believe this is caused from an accident he had when he was under 18. I asked him to put the money into something that would give him a future. He was given a couple of months, I finally put it into an investment acct. it was not to be touched for 15years, or would be penalized. He lost his job at 21 or 22, I paid all bills and gave him extra money for him job searching and fun. He was asked to move out at 24-25 years old because he refused to do anything. He had numerous girlfriends who supported him, so he still didn't work until after the last girlfriend who finally broke up with him. He then moved with a bunch of guys, then to the latest girlfriend who now he has been with 7-8 years and they have a baby.
I was never told of the baby until the day of her birth via email. I tried to have a connection, with the baby, was restricted, and told only by appt. and only for 1 hour per visit. I refused, I'm not a preditator and won't allow my son to take visits away at will, that would hurt both the baby and me. However did tell his girlfriend and son, the door at my house is always open, come anytime, they never have.
He took out money at first because it wasn't in any acct. I then put into an investment acct. with all parties names on it, but we all agreed to leave it alone for the time of (15Yrs.) so it would grow. My friend and I honored that agreement.
My son was also on my checking and saving acct. because what if I were unable, to get to money, if hospitalized something like that. If you can't trust your family, who can you trust? Anyway without my knowledge money was being withdrawed.
He wouldn't get a job or do anything accept sit around. So when I realized he was doing that, I got a different investment company paid all the fees as they are heavy for withdrawing and then more when you open an acct. I absorbed all that. Also changed my checking and savings acct. and all that I absorbed also.
I lost my job unemployed for several years, because of the economy. That's when on a rare occasion he called, and wondered why I was so quiet. I told him the truth, I was on the verge of losing the house. He told me to use the money. I did not because I wanted to, I would have lost it all. However, my goal is to give him everything, house and all else. I can't give him what I don't have. Being out of work for so long, well, if ever this has happened to you, you know the bills don't stop. I love him, and want things different, but he treats me like I'm dead. The last conversation I had he asked about things he left could he come get them. I said of course there here. He said, oh I figured you got rid of them. I said,I stored them there here there about 35 large bins stored. I just asked he let me know when he was coming he has never bothered.
I miss him terribly, I love him no matter what has happened, I just wish he felt just a little for me. He is all I have, I wish I could share a little of his family and be involved with just a little of their lives.

Please don't start a new thread on the same issue. I've merged your threads. If you have any follow-up post a reply or Quick Answer to this thread.

You explained more about the money and didn't need to tell all of it again. It wasn't at all clear about his age at the start of all this, for one thing.
When the child isn't here to tell his side of a story, it's difficult to give advice. I do believe that you were a caring mother, and perhaps a doting mother in many ways. Too helpful, but who am I to say that when he was hurt in his teens? Of course you took care of him, and he, like too many teens, took advantage of you and lost all respect for himself and for you, despite taking from you willingly. I'm guessing, based on what I have seen others do. They don't leave home and absolutely despise their parents for allowing it, yet despise them for kicking them out too. It sometimes is poor guidance on the parents' part, but when someone is injured and can't work, it's a different story. Then when the young man takes advantage of the disability too and gets fired - double, triple whammy for him.
He may sort all this out someday, and call you, the way he did when you were losing your home.
I still think an accounting of funds and how they were moved around is a good idea. As long as the emotional part gets addressed after that.

From your post (which was very difficult to read) I understand that he received a settlement after his accident at the age of 18. Instead of allowing him to have that settlement you put it into an account that would accrue penalties if withdrawn before 15 years. You gave him money out of that account, and put him on your personal account. He withdrew money because he needed it. You then chose to take his settlement money out of the account you originally put it into, and put it into another (your choice) and paid a fine for that (your choice to do it, so you should pay the fine).

Now he's no longer talking to you because you lost your job and used the remainder of his settlement in order to keep your home.

Is that the gist of it?

You can't be reimbursed for the fines for moving his money from one account to another. That was your choice. Frankly, at 18 he was an adult, and you taking his money and denying him the right to use it how he saw fit, was not your right.

Long story short, how much do you owe him?

Alty, he had the accident when he was under 18. She doesn't say when, nor does she say when the settlement was paid, nor how much it was, nor how much he took from her account nor the investment account, nor how that was possible if it wasn't to be touched, nor how much she took from it years later.

That's one reason why I think an accounting is called for.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Alty, he had the accident when he was under 18. She doesn't say when, nor does she say when the settlement was paid, nor how much it was, nor how much he took from her account nor the investment account, nor how that was possible if it wasn't to be touched, nor how much she took from it years later.

That's one reason why I think an accounting is called for.

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I agree. They need to hire someone, or figure out themselves, who owes what. They need the paperwork, and they need to figure out the sum of money owed, and who is owed what.

But, I think we can all agree that the son is not responsible for the fines the mother incurred when she chose to move the settlement money to another investment account, or any fines when she decided to use the money to save her home. Those were here choices, not his.

To all that are trying to help. The money settlement came prior to 18 years, He had it here at home, he was just spending. It was not put in a bank or anything.
I gave him 2 months to move it to anything a bank an investment, but not just let it sit here. All the fines and all the money I gave out of my personal accts. I being older new just letting it sit in a house not good. His name was on the investment acct. He did nothing with it, so I did, for his future. The amount of $ the settlement was appr. $15000.00. I put $5000.00 of my own money, in an acct. for him to spend to help look for work. In add't. To that I gave money from my accts for fun. I paid, all his bills, not out of any of his money, but my own. Once the money was put into an investment acct. I paid, all those start up fees, no one else helped. When I moved the money to the 2nd investment acct. I paid, out of my own acct. those fees +penality fees on the 1st investment company. Once he left, he left his dogs, and I paid all vet bills for him. These were not my dogs, he just didn't care. So, I took care of them until there deaths. The one dog was diebetic so meds for that too. It came from my personal acct. nothing was touched until I was losing the house. If I had wanted to take the money from him then why would you put him on an acct? I took him off because he wasn't just taking his money he was taking mine and my friends. That's why I changed it to another investment company. That's why I have a life insurance policy, and I think the house will be paid in full, for him. I've tried my very best to continue looking out for him. I'm at a loss what to do if I had the money believe me I would give it to him. So, I'm doing what I can. I truly feel that he shouldn't have use the money for the house, if he didn't mean it. Now I know he didn't but I believed him when he told me. I realized my mistake was I shouldn't have believed him. I guess he no longer bothering with me, is my punishment.

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To all that are trying to help. The money settlement came prior to 18 years, He had it here at home, he was just spending. It was not put in a bank or anything.
I gave him 2 months to move it to anything a bank an investment, but not just let it sit here.

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So you gave him an ultimatum to do what you wanted him todo.

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All the fines and all the money I gave out of my personal accts. I being older new just letting it sit in a house not good. His name was on the investment acct. He did nothing with it, so I did, for his future.

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Was he 18 when this was done? Did he agree to this, or was it another ultimatum?

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The amount of $ the settlement was appr. $15000.00. I put $5000.00 of my own money, in an acct. for him to spend to help look for work. In add't. To that I gave money from my accts for fun. I paid, all his bills, not out of any of his money, but my own. Once the money was put into an investment acct. I paid, all those start up fees, no one else helped. When I moved the money to the 2nd investment acct. I paid, out of my own acct. those fees +penality fees on the 1st investment company.

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Did he ask you to do this, or did you do it on your own?

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Once he left, he left his dogs, and I paid all vet bills for him. These were not my dogs, he just didn't care. So, I took care of them until there deaths. The one dog was diebetic so meds for that too. It came from my personal acct. nothing was touched until I was losing the house.

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If he abandoned the dogs you could have given them away, taken them to the shelter. If you chose to care for them, that's your choice. He's not responsible for what you choose to do.

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If I had wanted to take the money from him then why would you put him on an acct? I took him off because he wasn't just taking his money he was taking mine and my friends. That's why I changed it to another investment company. That's why I have a life insurance policy, and I think the house will be paid in full, for him. I've tried my very best to continue looking out for him. I'm at a loss what to do if I had the money believe me I would give it to him. So, I'm doing what I can. I truly feel that he shouldn't have use the money for the house, if he didn't mean it. Now I know he didn't but I believed him when he told me. I realized my mistake was I shouldn't have believed him. I guess he no longer bothering with me, is my punishment.

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Money is the main reason most relationships have issues, including relationships with children, parents, etc.

How much money do you owe him, not including all the things you mentioned above. If you chose to care for his dogs when he left, you have to swallow that cost. If you chose to give him fun money, that's your cost. If you moved the money and had to pay a fine, that's your cost.

When you add it all up, minus the money he spent, not the money you feel you should get back for dogs and fines, how much do you owe him?

Am I correct in thinking you are at retirement age and have no husband and one son?

Yes

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Originally Posted by Alty

So you gave him an ultimatum to do what you wanted him todo.

yes.

Was he 18 when this was done? Did he agree to this, or was it another ultimatum?

No, he was under 18

Did he ask you to do this, or did you do it on your own?
I discussed this with him. He agreed/


If he abandoned the dogs you could have given them away, taken them to the shelter. If you chose to care for them, that's your choice. He's not responsible for what you choose to do.



Money is the main reason most relationships have issues, including relationships with children, parents, etc.

How much money do you owe him, not including all the things you mentioned above. If you chose to care for his dogs when he left, you have to swallow that cost. If you chose to give him fun money, that's your cost. If you moved the money and had to pay a fine, that's your cost.

When you add it all up, minus the money he spent, not the money you feel you should get back for dogs and fines, how much do you owe him?

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I feel nothing anymore. He cost me thousands of dollars in many, many ways, His bills, his auto accidents the list goes on and on.

I hope you get selfish for the next few years and do as you please and enjoy yourself. You have given your son so much that he can never give back and this should be your turn to do for yourself.

If the money is is problem, or his girl, DOESN'T MATTER, leave them alone to grow up and get over it, and shed the guilt. I know you love him unconditionally, but let him go for a while why dontcha, and take care of you.

He needs to forgive his mama, and that something he has to do on his own, without your influence, and come to YOU. Its hard, but you have done your best to raise a man, now he has to do the rest himself. Your focus is on you building a life that you enjoy, with friends and activities that make you happy. Start being good to YOU right freakin' now!

How dare he take you for granted!!

I don't think anyone is blaming you for anything. We just wanted to know the facts about finances, because that is often the cause of estrangement and resentment. It does sound like you spent more on him than his settlement.
I would like to add a comment about his lack of responsibility. I worked on a study of people with head injuries who stopped caring about anything, even CEOs and scientists, who didn't want to work, bathe, learn, do hobbies - just hang around being lazy. There really is an area of the brain in charge of motivation. There's no way to know if he was just an irresponsible youth or if he had a brain injury.
Anyway, I agree with others that you are just going to have to wait for him to contact you. Are you able to send a birthday card to the child, or a gift, once a year? Are they on Facebook?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I don't think anyone is blaming you for anything. We just wanted to know the facts about finances, because that is often the cause of estrangement and resentment. It does sound like you spent more on him than his settlement.
I would like to add a comment about his lack of responsibility. I worked on a study of people with head injuries who stopped caring about anything, even CEOs and scientists, who didn't want to work, bathe, learn, do hobbies - just hang around being lazy. There really is an area of the brain in charge of motivation. There's no way to know if he was just an irresponsible youth or if he had a brain injury.
Anyway, I agree with others that you are just going to have to wait for him to contact you. Are you able to send a birthday card to the child, or a gift, once a year? Are they on Facebook?

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I could try, I don't believe there will be any response at all, because I've in the past sent things with no response. He is not on Facebook. The girlfriend is nice, but she follows what he says. I wanted to give the baby an heirloom, didn't trust the mail, etc. Ask if they would just stop by, if they were to let me know when they would come I would put it in a place they picked at my house, like hide it on the outside and then they wouldn't have to have any contact with me. They never responded at all. The girlfriend does not drive, so it's up to him. I agree with you all and that's why I've just waited, and waited and waited. Very sad, not the way it should be but it is.
My brother is a doctor in Phycolgogy. He feels what I'm doing is right. He knows us. Remember he has now worked and held the same job since about age 27-28 My brother thinks he just feels entitled.

I blame myself, I did too much for him. I wanted to give him what I didn't have.

Lose the guilt and regret and don't play the "just come by and not have to say hi" game. Maybe standing on his own is the best thing, but even if it isn't let him do it.

Come on who are you besides good old mom anyway? Bet you don't know and need to find out.

I agree, no guilt trip, and no groveling.
Send the child a little gift, a card, and a little note on b-day and a holiday, whether you ever hear from your son or not.
SOMEDAY he will contact you, as will your grandchild. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts.