My boyfriend who's been in the Navy for 15 years is depressed and shuts down. Quite frankly I am tired of it, but I do love him. We've been together for a year and have discussed marriage and building a life together. I am frustrated because his dissociative behavior at times isolates me and he is silent. The other day, he told me that when he thinks of us, he feels a dark emptiness and void. It kind of came out of the blue, but I also think it was triggered by something. Anyway, I could not take the silence anymore and asked him if he wanted to break up. He said, he didn't know, but there was a disconnect and he was trying to figure out what went wrong. I think he is stubborn, emotionally empty and his disconnect is his own self. So after tirelessly trying to get him to talk to me, I finally told him it was over. He said OK. In my heart I do not feel like it is over, but in a way, I feel bad because I think he is depressed. As a person, I want to reach out and help him, but I do not know what to do.

I can clearly see communication gap. You guys don't talk openly and deeply about each issue. What caused him getting depressed? Is it his work? Saturation? Stress? But now that you have broke up, what can you do? Unless you guys are still on friendly terms and in touch with each other. I think you should talk to him like buddies and discuss each issue. You can take him to the counselling if he agrees. You guys can do activities together.
My uncle was in Navy for more than 15 years and another uncle in army, they told me that some guys get depressed and saturated due to routine and specific environment of the armed forces. That could be the one reason. Talk to him. Good luck.

Thank you so much! After a couple of days, I was able to calm down and see how maybe I was being a little hard on him. I haven't talked to him and not sure how to reach back out and talk with him. I wonder if he misses me or if he really has shut down completely from me. I'll give it a few more days before I reach out. This will give him time and space to process his own feelings and emotions if I do not hear back from him.

Is he open to talking this out with a counselor?

I don't think so, but I'm not sure. I wanted to send him an email and suggest that he talks to the chaplain about all that is going in. He knows that is not healthy to hold things in, but yet he tries to and feel as though he can control it.

When I told him it was over, he said OK and we hung up. I wanted to send him an email and tell him to see someone, but then I figured I'd wait a few days. He works hard 14-16 hour days 5-six days a week. His daughter whom he loves lives about 10 hours away. He's always in and out to sea. I know that I challenge him when he gets in those moods, but this time it was different. I feel in my heart that we will be OK, but my main concern is him as a person. How can I gently reach out to him without sounding like I'm calling him crazy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovemynavy22

How can I gently reach out to him without sounding like I'm calling him crazy.

---

Do you Skype with him or cellphone or what? Get him to talk -- talk about anything.

Well, just like an old friend who cares. You can regularly send him email, sms etc. it's nothing wrong to admit that you miss him.

We use to talk by text and email. Before he went into this mode, he was ignoring my emails and sometimes when I would text him, he would call back. I know he gets them but I haven't talked to him in a few days. He is also stubborn to. I understand he's probably feeling vunerable, but the truth is it has messed up our relationship. I want him back, but I want him different. Right now, I am concerned about him, his well being and health.

Honestly, if he has completed commission or bond with navy, he can leave navy and he can get good job in civil life. I think he's got job issue. My uncle was in submarine and he also got pissed off there so he left navy after 20 years. I think you should talk to him on other issues besides your relationship, his health etc. talk about common interest, hobbies, his daughter etc. let him open slowly by himself. If he is stubborn, he will open slowly. This needs patience. Send him cards etc. he might ignoring you but I'm sure he also miss you. He's just not admitting it. Good luck.

Thanks so much! Everyone keeps telling me that it's not over and to just be patience. I think overall we are a good fit and I will reach out to him about other things other than our relationship and sounding so selfish :).

OK, I know that this is crazy, but just hear me out! My ex and I broke up. He needed space and wasn't sure if he wanted the relationship, so I ended it. I felt that if you are on the fence about something, I'm not going to wait around in the wings as some desperate dolly. Anyway, there's a lot of emotion there.. but we haven't talk since the break up. Everyone says we both need space and eventually we will get back together. I've been reading where articles say, I should move on, get busy, not think about him.. and he'll come back. It's been a week and 1/2

So I hear 3 weeks is a great time to do the no contacct. I should not initiate any contact what so ever. Do you agree.

So I went back online and set up an online dating profile. I see he has done the same thing. I want him to know that I'm online too without going to his profile, so he can see that I have moved on and gets anxious. What should I do? Thanks for feedback. WE both still love each other.

I think you've got it half right. I do agree that if the person you are dating is on the fence, it's a good idea to break up and move on. However, if he or she isn't ready, they aren't going to be ready in three weeks.

If you both are in love with each other but it doesn't feel quite right to him, my guess is that he's just not at a point in his life where he's ready for the type of relationship you have. So, when you break up you need to mean it. It's OK to say, "I love you and don't really want this, but I can't be in a relationship that makes me feel badly, and you not being sure makes me feel badly". This lets him know, "hey, I think this could work, but only if you think it can work". Knowing he's aware of the truth frees you to leave him behind and fully commit yourself to moving forward.

Where I think you take a wrong turn is when you use the time apart as a means to get back together. Don't plan to get back together. If it happens, it happens. But if you force it or try to massage or manipulate it into happening now, it's not going to work. You'll be breaking up and making up ad nauseum.

Instead, really do focus on moving on. You should not be cyber stalking him and seeing if he's on this or that sight, etc. Leave him alone. Focus just on yourself. Assume that he's not in the same place in his needs for a relationship that you are, but lots of other people are.

If you break up when you don't want to, or don't think it's the right thing, trying to manipulate the other person into seeing you differently or whatever, you're just not being honest. You have to believe your words - you can't be with someone who's not confident of you. Why can you be with that person in a week or two? It's still the same person, who's still not confident of you.

If you both love each other why are talking about moving on. I agree you guys need space then to stay away for few days is good. Why do you want to make him anxious? I think you should spend these few days enjoying yourself and let him do what he want. Keep patience.

Thank you. I am going to spend these days enjoying myself and getting clear and focused. The space has been great and I definitely do not want the old relationship back. We had a lot of communication issues as he was not expressive as I thought he should have been.

It's just a hard space, but a good place right now.

You are right~! In a sense I am hoping that he changes and sees the light and anything is possible, but it's ultimately his choice. He has to want to make a difference in this relationship. I haven't contacted him at all and that's pretty good there... The Joy of waiting and moving forward!

Stop trying to change him, and work on changing yourself. You dumped him so disappear and get on with your own life. No more false hope he changes for you.

I am not trying to change him. Yes, I dumped him, but he was giving me the silent treatment which means, I am angry at you. That's not fair either. There's just too much emotion involved.

No contact is a way to move on, not wait three weeks, going to counseling is how you work things outtt