I dated a guy last year for about 8 months and the relationship fizzeled out because we were in two different places he thought he was ready (we are both 35, me divorced him never married) to settle down and have a family. But after soending time with me and my kids he realized how much of a time commitment kids were (and me!) he has always been the work first life second type of guy, and he felt like the time myself and my kids asked of him was more then he could give until his life slowed down. It caused a lot of frustration and hurt because I proceeded very slowly to avoid any sort of hurt like this for my kids and myself. In the end to hear you're a great person with amazing kids. But He did not like hurting me because He cannot slow down his work pace until his bills are paid off and in a better place financially. I sort of feel like he has unrealistic ideas about life in the fact that there is going to be point in time where the stress of life a job and finances is going to be an after thought. But we parted ways I cried he cried we moved on. He continued to call me everyday, I finally asked him what was going on because I felt misled vy his constant contact that tgere might actually still be something between us still. He agreed to stop calling so that I could get it straight in my head that we were done. That break lasted a month. It is now back to him calling me once ir twice a day, and to be honest I love this guy and I really wish he would realize that there is never a perfect time, never a perfect dollar amount saved up in your bank account, only feelings. I think his feelings for me are there but he is very analitical and over processes things. His parents were not around for him at all when he was younger and I didn't think he wants to hurt me or my kids by not being available 24/7 . I guess I don't know what to do, I love him, but find it very hard to move on. I could ask him to stop calling but we both love our conversations. I just don't want to mislead myself into thinking there is something when there is not, but I it is also hard to "woman" up and just tell him to cut contact if we are not going anywhere. So any guys have any insight in him? I would like to ad I am in no rush, but I don't want to get hurt either, or my kids to get hurt, they adore him. But what is his reasoning? Thanks everyone.

What about insight into you too?
He works too hard and lets life and love pass him by.
You are too needy, at least in his mind, with no clue about paying off debts.

Nothing out of the norm there. Don't you ever wonder how two people get along for more than 2 years or so? It's almost impossible, UNLESS you each have a full life outside of the need for each other. AND unless you can compromise. So keep busy with other interests than being a mother - a course or hobby or sport or club - and ask him if he is willing to talk about a solid plan of compromise. He gives you X more hours a week and you promise to stop asking for more.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

What about insight into you too?
He works too hard and lets life and love pass him by.
You are too needy, at least in his mind, with no clue about paying off debts.

Nothing out of the norm there. Don't you ever wonder how two people get along for more than 2 years or so? It's almost impossible, UNLESS you each have a full life outside of the need for each other. AND unless you can compromise. So keep busy with other interests than being a mother - a course or hobby or sport or club - and ask him if he is willing to talk about a solid plan of compromise. He gives you X more hours a week and you promise to stop asking for more.

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I could see where someone could imagine me as needy, and no clue of paying off debts. But I am probably overly financially responsible I am debt free outside of the monthly necessities (groceries, gas, phone, etc) But I work full time and spend very smartly. He is trying to pay off old debt from a previous relationship. All this I understand and yes I admit Ive always had that someone to spend time with, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being alone or doing things by myself I just enjoy company. I should state that we live about an hour and twenty minutes from each other so our time we spent together was really every weekend or every other weekend. The issue that became a problem was mainly over a summer vacation in which we had planned taking a week off and spending time at my lake cabin, and he ended up leaving after 3 days because he needed to get back to work. I guess to me when you plan to take a weeks vacation you take a week, not 3 days. But Ive got a more flexible job too. But he has literally not taken a vacation in 7 years. Maybe I am just hoping him to be something he is not, but I don't see my desire of his time to be out of line.

Guys are totally conflustering. You just need to find the right one. I know you realize that you will never be able to move on if you continue to be in contact with him. End it all. He will have a choice at that point. Either you mean something to him and he comes back to you. Or he moves his life forward which will allow you to move your life forward. By hanging on and hoping, you are doing yourself no favors. It will hurt at first but in the end it will be the best thing for you.

OK, you have done a good job defending yourself, but he isn't here to defend himself.
You ask at the end what is reasoning is, and we just don't know anything about him other than the little you said.
But really, this isn't about him! It's about you, and why you can't let go. You are intelligent and aware enough to know that if someone falls short of your expectations, you have 2 choices, stay or leave. You glossed right over the thought of compromising with him on time spent together, I guess because it's part of a larger attribute of his that doesn't gibe with your outlook on life.
Maybe you could tell him that you will talk on the phone and remain friends while you each start looking for someone else. That rarely works, but it can happen. Otherwise, put your foot down on no contact.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Guys are totally conflustering. You just need to find the right one. I know you realize that you will never be able to move on if you continue to be in contact with him. End it all. He will have a choice at that point. Either you mean something to him and he comes back to you. Or he moves his life forward which will allow you to move your life forward. By hanging on and hoping, you are doing yourself no favors. It will hurt at first but in the end it will be the best thing for you.

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This is very true, thanks for not over reading into this like other posters. Because ultimately we are both into each other but its like there is one small part that is hard to make click which is time, I respect his needs as he does mine, but like you said in a small way I think we are both holding each other back. It sucks to say that two people who have a lot in common and get along extremely well cannot figure out timing because that's basically what it comes down too, he says he wishes he met me 10 yrs ago before his previous relationship, and me well I wish he would slow down but I fully understand his reasonings. Its hard to let go when you know it would be a good connection but the timing sucks. And I think that's why he calls so often (or maybe I just hope?) Ive seen a few guys since we split up in October, but I feel like I know compare things to him (like ease of being able to talk to one another, compatibility,etc) dang dating is a hard deal lol. Thanks Oliver2011. I kind of needed the obvious pointed out to me.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

OK, you have done a good job defending yourself, but he isn't here to defend himself.
You ask at the end what is reasoning is, and we just don't know anything about him other than the little you said.
But really, this isn't about him! It's about you, and why you can't let go. You are intelligent and aware enough to know that if someone falls short of your expectations, you have 2 choices, stay or leave. You glossed right over the thought of compromising with him on time spent together, I guess because it's part of a larger attribute of his that doesn't gibe with your outlook on life.
Maybe you could tell him that you will talk on the phone and remain friends while you each start looking for someone else. That rarely works, but it can happen. Otherwise, put your foot down on no contact.

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I think you are assuming I am putting him down in some way, which I am most definitely not. He has no reason or need to defend his actions because I have not told him (or anyone else) his actions are wrong (the daily phone calls). My main point was possible some reflection from others as to why we BOTH continue this. I have dated a few people since we broke up but no one really catches my attention like he did. I guess Im wondering if maybe we are both hoping it will hold out until he has more time to spend in the role that he would be in if we were together. Dating in our age bracket I think is very difficult and I am naturally attracted to more intellectual people and well its hard to find that in someone that also has the same hobbies and life goals. The deal is we are both on the same page about this. Its just both of us say the time is not right I see him working his butt off trying to get free and clear, and I respect him enough to not hinder his goal in doing that so he can be more stable in his life (financially) but that being said are we both letting go for a reason that is maybe just not really a good reason. Dang I rambled, most likely none of that made sense.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

OK, you have done a good job defending yourself, but he isn't here to defend himself.
You ask at the end what is reasoning is, and we just don't know anything about him other than the little you said.
But really, this isn't about him! It's about you, and why you can't let go. You are intelligent and aware enough to know that if someone falls short of your expectations, you have 2 choices, stay or leave. You glossed right over the thought of compromising with him on time spent together, I guess because it's part of a larger attribute of his that doesn't gibe with your outlook on life.
Maybe you could tell him that you will talk on the phone and remain friends while you each start looking for someone else. That rarely works, but it can happen. Otherwise, put your foot down on no contact.

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I think you are assuming I am putting him down in some way, which I am most definitely not. He has no reason or need to defend his actions because I have not told him (or anyone else) his actions are wrong (the daily phone calls). My main point was possible some reflection from others as to why we BOTH continue this. I have dated a few people since we broke up but no one really catches my attention like he did. I guess Im wondering if maybe we are both hoping it will hold out until he has more time to spend in the role that he would be in if we were together. Dating in our age bracket I think is very difficult and I am naturally attracted to more intellectual people and well its hard to find that in someone that also has the same hobbies and life goals. The deal is we are both on the same page about this. Its just both of us say the time is not right I see him working his butt off trying to get free and clear, and I respect him enough to not hinder his goal in doing that so he can be more stable in his life (financially) but that being said are we both letting go for a reason that is maybe just not really a good reason. Dang I rambled, most likely none of that made sense.