Ask Me Help Desk - My wife had an affair

Last year, from September to early December my wife had an affair, apparently she'd know n this person since her teens, last year was horrible, firstly she had skin cancer in February and then in September her mother died, now our marriage wasn't great at this time, she's been married before and I haven't. We've been married for three years, I'm now 41, I know I should have handled the situation better in regards to her mother dying but I just didn't know what to do, I'd never been in a situation were someone one I loved needed that kind of support.
She told me in December that she'd been f@cking someone else, I was gutted, I've never felt so terrible in my life. Although I had my suspicions I just didn't want to believe it, when my wife told, I said two things, firstly I told her I knew but didn't want to believe it, secondly I told I just want my wife back, 3 months later we are still together, I love her dearly despite catching her twice since then communicating with this guy through FB, to my knowledge, and I do believe her this has finally stopped, due in part to actions that at the time I felt I had no other choice but to act the way I did, I rang him and threatened him, I sent him messages telling him I knew where he lived, his wife's phone number, email address etc etc, all of which I've never used except I rang his house and he answered and I explained in no uncertain terms to leave my wife alone, she has made a decision and he has to respect that.
I still struggle with what happened and deal with on a day to day basis, it would have been a lot easier if he had not contacted my wife twice since she ended the affair, which she assures me the he contacted her, not the other way around. I see him as a vulture who prayed on my wife after her mother died, lets say she had a weak moment, she has explained to me that she had never stopped loving me through out all this and that she never loved this other person, I don't want a divorce but I'm having a tough time trying to forget, I've forgiven, but forgetting is a lot tougher, will I ever get over this, I do trust my wife as she's said it will never happen again and I know how ashamed she is about what happened, please help me if you can

First off be honest with yourself in that even though you have forgiven you most likely will never forget.

Even though your wife may have been vulnerable, she is responsible for her own actions. I am not sure threatening the guy is the healthiest way to deal with this situation.

I commend your ability to forgive, to love her despite her mistakes, etc. But you both probably need to see a counselor to get through this and heal to the extent you can heal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

First off be honest with yourself in that even though you have forgiven you most likely will never forget.

Even though your wife may have been vulnerable, she is responsible for her own actions. I am not sure threatening the guy is the healthiest way to deal with this situation.

I commend your ability to forgive, to love her despite her mistakes, and etc. But you both probably need to see a counselor to get through this and heal to the extent you can heal.

Oliver, firstly thanks for your response, at the time I felt I had no other option than to use what ever threats I could use, my wife has told they spoke about the affair ending and when and if it did, that was it, finished, now my wife, to the best of my knowledge has stuck by these rules they spoke about, where as he has not, that's why I felt I had no other option than to threaten him physically and threaten his home life, it seems to have worked, this guy is older than I am, as I said I'm 41, also I'm 6'5 and weigh around 100kgs, my sister in law has spoken to me about what my wife has told her, and my wife has no doubt that I'd tear this guy to pieces, my wife has told me a couple of white lies since this all happened but I believe with no doubt this was to protect me and not him, as I said I tear this guy apart, I don't consider myself a violent person, but I'd warned this guy to stay away and he didn't so I felt I was left with no other option, in the wild what does a lion do to protect his pride from intruders, he attacks, at the end of the day I believe most men have this basic instinct in them, I did what I had to do, now I've just got to stop thinking about the affair itself

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris3199

Oliver, firstly thanks for your response, at the time I felt I had no other option than to use what ever threats I could use, my wife has told they spoke about the affair ending and when and if it did, that was it, finished, now my wife, to the best of my knowledge has stuck by these rules they spoke about, where as he has not, that's why I felt I had no other option than to threaten him physically and threaten his home life, it seems to have worked, this guy is older than I am, as I said I'm 41, also I'm 6'5 and weigh around 100kgs, my sister in law has spoken to me about what my wife has told her, and my wife has no doubt that I'd tear this guy to pieces, my wife has told me a couple of white lies since this all happened but I believe with no doubt this was to protect me and not him, as I said I tear this guy apart, I don't consider myself a violent person, but I'd warned this guy to stay away and he didn't so I felt I was left with no other option, in the wild what does a lion do to protect his pride from intruders, he attacks, at the end of the day I believe most men have this basic instinct in them, I did what I had to do, now I've just got to stop thinking about the affair itself

Time for some counseling. You'll never forget, but little by little, you won't think of it so much. Hopefully, with effort on both of your parts, you will trust her again.

I'm going to be short and sweet. This was on FB right? Your wife had the option of deleting him and/or closing her FB but she did neither. Right?

Hmmmmm? Think about it. She is equally to blame with the continued contact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris3199

Oliver, firstly thanks for your response, at the time I felt I had no other option than to use what ever threats I could use, my wife has told they spoke about the affair ending and when and if it did, that was it, finished, now my wife, to the best of my knowledge has stuck by these rules they spoke about, where as he has not, that's why I felt I had no other option than to threaten him physically and threaten his home life, it seems to have worked, this guy is older than I am, as I said I'm 41, also I'm 6'5 and weigh around 100kgs, my sister in law has spoken to me about what my wife has told her, and my wife has no doubt that I'd tear this guy to pieces, my wife has told me a couple of white lies since this all happened but I believe with no doubt this was to protect me and not him, as I said I tear this guy apart, I don't consider myself a violent person, but I'd warned this guy to stay away and he didn't so I felt I was left with no other option, in the wild what does a lion do to protect his pride from intruders, he attacks, at the end of the day I believe most men have this basic instinct in them, I did what I had to do, now I've just got to stop thinking about the affair itself

I am not judging you or saying you handled it incorrectly. It just probably wasn't the healthiest move. But I've never been in that situation. Again, I would have been hard pressed to forgive so good for you on that.