My 16 daughter has been dating a 16 yr old nice young man for 6 months now. His parents are divorced but co-parent well. I have been a single mother since my daughter was born-by choice-meaning I am very involved in her life since I play mom and dad role. I also have a business open 7 days a week so my life is crazy. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. I treat my daughters like a son as he spends a lot of time with us. I have always been kind and beyond generous to him and to his parents and always offer to help with his other little siblings if they want to go out etc (I love kids). I am a cool mom and have always been really good with young kids, teenagers, and adults in general. But for some reason my daughters bf's parents do NOT like me.

He has has admitted they don't and he doesn't understand why and has argued defending me a few times. My daughter goes to a private school and like him, also does not drink, smoke or do drugs. If anything, I should/could have a problem with them-he has terrible grades and doesn't care about school. I try and encourage him. They are Brazilian (been here for many years) and I am half French/half American so our cultures shouldn't be that different. I am hurt, angry, and beginning to feel that maybe my daughter should not spend time at his house knowing they think so bad of me. They pretend and are very very fake with me but my daughter and I feel the tension.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do? Because I'm pretty upset over it.

I have been in your situation in the past. I was a single parent for many years (over 15), and sometimes I was treated differently by my sons' friends' parents. I was true to myself and if they didn't care for me, then they didn't have to. I don't live my life worrying about what people think of me. Life is too short!

I'm a little puzzled by the amount of involvement you have with them. Once you meet parents of your teen's boyfriend or girlfriend, it has been my experience that except for the most casual encounters, that's pretty much it. Most teen romances don't last long, and these aren't your new in-laws. How are you having to see each other so much? Maybe they feel uncomfortable about being too much in their lives, I wonder? It may also be because he must like you a lot if he likes spending time at your house, and maybe he talks about you a lot (in a nice way), and they are jealous.

I would sit down and have a talk with them. Don't rat out the son by telling them he told you that they don't like you, just tell them that you're noticing some tension between all of you, and you wonder if there's something wrong, if there's something you've done to make them feel that way.

There's really no other way to find out what's going on with them, other than to ask them. Not a fun conversation, but if it's bothering you this much, it's the only way to get to the bottom of this.

I have met them a few times, but don't hang out with them. The dad has made dinner once at his house and I have had a talk with the mom a couple of times exchanged with a hug. That's what I mean by fake. I think perhaps they are jealous-I don't know. Someone has to be spending time with them and driving them around-its most always me. I don't leave them at the house alone and the parents know very well as I have told them as has his son that I am home with them. They know he has recently become intimate with my daughter because try bought him condoms and they (my daughter and boyfriend) asked me if I could take allow her to be on the pill. There is literally nothing being hidden his from us (both sides) and so there are two ways to look at it--we can say 'no' and they'll do it anyway in a 'public' or 'unsafe' place, or we can suggest they wait for all the reasons we can think of. I am 46 years old and my daughter is almost 17-they are too young, yet, not early by any means in this day in age. He doesn't come over And just shack up with her. He can only come over when his parents know and drop him off or I pick them up and we spend time doing family stuff or errands! If his parents do t like it, all they have to say is no! It's not a matter of whether they would ever get married or not, it's trying to wrap my head around the fact that IF this guy WAS the one, would this be my life? If they want him home, they text my daughter! Why not pick up the phone and ask me? It just hurts that's all. It's an insult to my daughter in a way too.

I would consider that fact that your daughter is 16. She will probably have another boyfriend in another year or two. I am 71 yrs old, had 3 children, all grown and married, and been through this.
Give it some time, and don't worry about it too much. On the average, things will change in the future with your daughter and a boyfriend. Good luck.

I want to make sure that I'm reading your post correctly. You got your daughter on the pill, and you're allowing them to have sex in your home, and you didn't discuss this with his parents?

Is that the case?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

I would sit down and have a talk with them. Don't rat out the son by telling them he told you that they don't like you, just tell them that you're noticing some tension between all of you, and you wonder if there's something wrong, if there's something you've done to make them feel that way.

There's really no other way to find out what's going on with them, other than to ask them. Not a fun conversation, but if it's bothering you this much, it's the only way to get to the bottom of this.

---

You are correct. It's just weird because they are not married anymore and so I might look like a but case if I try to have a meeting with them. Maybe if they come to my house (the dad has once) and meet me here we can talk. I don't want to be 'drama' but all I know is that it is disrespectful and immature to speak To their child in a negative light about me. It may be because I allow them to spend a lot of time together-but-I make them invite others too and encourage them to take breaks from each other.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

I want to make sure that I'm reading your post correctly. You got your daughter on the pill, and you're allowing them to have sex in your home, and you didn't discuss this with his parents?

Is that the case?

---

No! You are INcorrect! They know. They bought him condoms. And the 'sex' is NOT a daily or even necessarily weekly situation. Moreover, My daughter is not allowed to spend the night at their houses even though she's been invited multiple times-the reason-he has little brothers and its not appropriate example to a 6 year old.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sylvie1967

No! You are INcorrect! They know. They bought him condoms. And the 'sex' is NOT a daily or even necessarily weekly situation. Moreover, My daughter is not allowed to spend the night at their houses even though she's been invited multiple times-the reason-he has little brothers and its not appropriate example to a 6 year old.

---

Okay. So they know that these two teens are having sex, and they're okay with it? It didn't sound like they were from your other post. I was thinking that this may be the issue they're having.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

Okay. So they know that these two teens are having sex, and they're okay with it? It didn't sound like they were from your other post. I was thinking that this may be the issue they're having.

---

No. I think perhaps its because I am so available to drive and pick up? With my own business and how I have structured my life is that I am there for and with my daughter a lot. And I do t say no to her much of she asks me for him or her girlfriends to come over or go somewhere-why? Because this way I know where she is, get to know and see her friends to make sure they are not a bad influence and because she gets good grades and is a good girl-sure, she's not the neatest teenager in the world, but her teachers comment on how sweet and kind and helpful she is. I'm just really offended and embarrassed that his parents are so negative about me to him. He's honest with me so he says "well they like Justine. I don't know why they don't like you and I have recently told them that you two (my daughter and I) can tell." I just leave it at that because at that point I just get so hurt, I go and do laundry and keep mouth shut. No Marriage or just a couple for a year is not the point (though I went through my parents not liking my first boyfriend for 4 years for no reason)--it's not healthy for my daughter because then she may question me in her mind-like I am doing to myself now. I'm classy, I am successful, I dress appropriately, I live in a decent house. I don't know. I give up. It's just sad because it will ultimately hurt my daughter because as soon as they start having problems, I foresee secret joy from his parents and having them tell their nephews and nieces (large Brazilian tight knit crowd) to talk to him and push other/'better' relationships on him. He hasn't denied to us that he could see this happening but that he would do what he wants anyway-however, he is sometimes sad or bummed when he's been dropped off or picked up after a fight with his family and its all coming together now for me--it's because they are allowing him to come most of the time but they are guilting him and it's a downer on us to deal with it when he comes over sad and doesn't talk about what's wrong-i know what's wrong... and he DOES love his family and care what they all think-they are all close.

Are they rich? A lot richer than you? Just grasping at straws, because it still seems so strange that any of this is happening or even matters. When I said they aren't your in-laws, I wasn't suggesting that they will marry, just that the degree of involvement is so high compared to most parents of dating teens.

My only suggestion is to stop letting them live rent free in your head, and making their problems yours. I can understand the concern, but you are to deeply involved to be worrying about their words, and actions.

They are who they are, and seriously doubt they can turn your daughter against you. You cannot control, or change their behavior, but you can control your own in how YOU treat them.

I wouldn't give a rats patoot what they said behind my back, other than stay alert for shenanigans with my daughter. I think that you and your daughter are to close for them to drive a wedge between you, even if they tried. Maybe they bear watching, but hardly worth worrying about.

To be frank, I would worry more about their son, than them. He seems to be the one caught between a rock, and a hard place. Continue to be kind and alert, and while I am not into teens having sex in my house, I won't judge, and hope you treat his parents with cordial politeness, and not let the drama get to you.

Rumors, concerns, or the views of teens should not be the basis of your judgment either, as all you can deal with is what his parents do, not what is said reported third party of their teen. I understand the feelings he may have raised but its up to you to stay in control and cope with the parents on a mature level befitting a female/mother of your stature and accomplishments.

I know you will and hope you vented the bad feelings they invoke in you.