Right where to start?

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 7 years, but recently we have been having some trouble. We have a 3 year old daughter, and have been trying for another with no luck. We don't live together at the moment, due to my debt, as I have a car on finance, and got credit cards, but I told her I’m still willing to move in if she wants me to. She wants us to be a family together, and that's all I want as well.

She recently cheated on me, but not sex, and I believe her and don't go saying once a cheat always a cheat. It was a one off thing out of the blue, and her drink was spiked with meow and I know that isn’t an excuse, but come on I know this girl, I know it a one off thing and she would never do it again.

Since then I have become really clingy and want to be round her all the time. Not for the fact I don't trust her anymore, which I still do, just not 100%, but for the reason that I just want to be with her. It should be her doing the running but it’s not it’s me and I feel stupid for doing it. She has been living on her own for a year. She said it’s like she's a single mum which I get where she is coming from. I haven't been the best dad or boyfriend but I'm trying. It’s hard when you work nights all the time, and I know that isn't an excuse, but I don't know what to do.

I was talking to her friend about the night she kind of cheated on me, stupid questions like what she do and that which I know I shouldn't of and I feel really stupid for doing it. So her friend tells her what I been saying and now she wants space to think what she wants.

I know she loves me because after she cheated we were getting on great. It was like we were trying again, but now she wants space, and I'm worried that after her space she going to come back and say it's over which is the one thing I don't want because I love her way too much to lose her.

Can anyone help me out? I'm a bag of nerves, my stomach is in knots, can’t eat. I’m going through hell! Please help.

Forgive me but in order to try and help you I am going to be a little harsh, so bear with me.

First off, if you are already in debt because of your car and finance, then why are you two trying to bring another child into your lives? One is often enough. Children are expensive, and you need to consider this strongly before you end up in another mess of a web. Having a family is cute and all, but how cute is it when you're swarmed up to your neck in debt and bills you won't be able to pay off, plus a mortgage and tons of other lovely strings of loans with interest rates shooting through the roof?

Secondly, you stated that this woman cheated on you but 'no sex'. I must ask you this: How do you know that 100% for sure? You already sound a little doubtful and confused. This is not a healthy sign and again, why bring more children into this? Maybe she didn't have sex with the other person, but just because she didn't do it this time, won't promise she won't try to in the future. Again, not a healthy role model for children.

Continuing on: If she wants space, then leave it at that. It sounds like you two need time to get your heads together first before acting randomly and quickly without putting thought into it. Cheating on each other won't help at all. It is not good that she just seems to give up and run to someone else whenever the water begins to heat. How is she going to handle stress of raising children in the future with this pattern of behaviour?

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Forgive me but in order to try and help you I am going to be a little harsh, so bear with me.

First off, if you are already in debt because of your car and finance, then why are you two trying to bring another child into your lives? One is often enough. Children are expensive, and you need to consider this strongly before you end up in another mess of a web. Having a family is cute and all, but how cute is it when you're swarmed up to your neck in debt and bills you won't be able to pay off, plus a mortgage and tons of other lovely strings of loans with interest rates shooting through the roof?

Secondly, you stated that this woman cheated on you but 'no sex'. I must ask you this: How do you know that 100% for sure? You already sound a little doubtful and confused. This is not a healthy sign and again, why bring more children into this? Maybe she didn't have sex with the other person, but just because she didn't do it this time, won't promise she won't try to in the future. Again, not a healthy role model for children.

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I no where you are coming from but we had trouble before an I think she fort another kid would help this but we tried an no luck which I now see as a good thing an she lives in a rented has so I would just pay the rent an other stuff I am confused but I do believe her because I know it would never happen again I've known her 7 years an I think her friends influence didn't help because her friend cheats on her boyfriend all the time an she has to kids I just don't know what to do now

I think you should move on. You really can't get over this "cheating" thing, and until you do, you will never respect her. Children always get hurt in these situations, with 1 out of 3 children in America now living in a home with no father. That info from TV News Nationally.
You are trying too hard. She needs some time by herself. Let her be herself.
Have you two thought of seeing a marriage counselor, or some other counselor, to talk things out? I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Your post is a mess and is very difficult to read. I read it a few times and hope I understand the important stuff here.

One thing that jumps out at me... you say you trust her... but not 100%. That can't be. You either trust or you don't. There is no percentages about it. Yes or no. That's it. Given that you have said this, then I figure that no, you don't really trust her. That's fine, I wouldn't either.

I have no idea how you could cheat, but not really cheat. You have confused me on that part.

To be straight with you... she cheated because she wanted to. I do not believe that drinking or whatever will make you cheat unless you already have the desire to do so. If she was forced, that's one thing... but that's also not cheating. Cheating is doing it willingly and there is no excuse that makes it OK. I also wonder how you are so sure that she would never do it again? I bet you were pretty sure she would never do it in the first place, but she did.

Bottom line... she cheated... she asked for space. Consider that this is likely to be over and she just hasn't come out with that yet. Usually "space" or "time" means over. It only means that the person that wants it can't bring themselves to tell you outright that it's over. She cheated because she already figured it was over then she asked for space because that is where she finally decided it's time to get out.

Best thing for you is to stop freaking out over this, calm down, and find a new life without her. To keep hanging on, it's not going to help anyone, especially you. Even if something happens where you get back together... trust me, it won't last. Once the space or time card is played, 99% of the time, that's it.

I agree with fredg. If her friends are a bad influence on her, then you can talk to her about it in the best way you can, but you have to stop beating yourself up about things also. There's only so much you can say and do humanely. If she still wants to listen to her friends in the end and let them convince her to cheat and such instead of listening and trusting someone she has been with for 7 years, then that should give you enough of an answer as to how much she values you as a person and your relationship.

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Continuing on: If she wants space, then leave it at that. It sounds like you two need time to get your heads together first before acting randomly and quickly without putting thought into it. Cheating on each other won't help at all. It is not good that she just seems to give up and run to someone else whenever the water begins to heat. How is she going to handle stress of raising children in the future with this pattern of behaviour?

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I know I said to her I will be there for her more an help with the stress but she just want space to think stuff through an I bet she would properly come running as next Friday she's suppose to be going out for her birthday an I'm the only real one she trusts with my daughter should I just wait till then an what should I do about seeing my daughter as I asked her when I can up to see her an she won't give me a clear answer should I just leave her an my daughter alone till she is ready or what?

You're better off just agreeing to disagree, if you know what I mean. If she thinks it best for you to leave them both be-mother and daughter, do so.

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Originally Posted by fredg

I think you should move on. You really can't get over this "cheating" thing, and until you do, you will never respect her. Children always get hurt in these situations, with 1 out of 3 children in America now living in a home with no father. That info from TV News Nationally.
You are trying too hard. She needs some time by herself. Let her be herself.
Have you two thought of seeing a marriage counselor, or some other counselor, to talk things out? I do wish you the best, and good luck.

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I asked her is she would go to see a counselor but she said she don't need to an I understand I should move on but I can't see life without her in it I love her too much to lose even after everything that has happened

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Originally Posted by smithy2050

i asked her is she would go to see a counselor but she said she don't need to an i understand i should move on but i can't see life without her in it i love her to much to lose even after everything that has happened

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Then you are just going to be a slave to her and this situation for as long as it takes her to tell you it's over. You are in for a world of hurt if you can't see beyond her. This is not going to be easy for you at all and you're going to make it harder by grasping at threads.

Well ask yourself this too : Considering fredg already stated, the rate of children getting hurt in these types of situations, would you rather let your daughter grow in a mentally and emotionally unstable household? I get that you love this woman and can't see a life without her, but if you go on like this you're going to cause more damage. Sometimes it is better to bite the bullet and go against the grain.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Your post is a mess and is very difficult to read. I read it a few times and hope I understand the important stuff here.

One thing that jumps out at me....you say you trust her....but not 100%. That can't be. You either trust or you don't. There is no percentages about it. Yes or no. That's it. Given that you have said this, then I figure that no, you don't really trust her. That's fine, I wouldn't either.

I have no idea how you could cheat, but not really cheat. You have confused me on that part.

To be straight with you...she cheated because she wanted to. I do not believe that drinking or whatever will make you cheat unless you already have the desire to do so. If she was forced, that's one thing...but that's also not cheating. Cheating is doing it willingly and there is no excuse that makes it ok. I also wonder how you are so sure that she would never do it again? I bet you were pretty sure she would never do it in the first place, but she did.

Bottom line...she cheated....she asked for space. Consider that this is likely to be over and she just hasn't come out with that yet. Usually "space" or "time" means over. It only means that the person that wants it can't bring themselves to tell you outright that it's over. She cheated because she already figured it was over then she asked for space because that is where she finally decided it's time to get out.

Best thing for you is to stop freaking out over this, calm down, and find a new life without her. To keep hanging on, it's not going to help anyone, especially you. Even if something happens where you get back together....trust me, it won't last. Once the space or time card is played, 99% of the time, that's it.

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I would love to move on from her but the way I am feeling now I can't live with out her this girl I wanted to marry an I was trying my hardest to get out of debt an everything so we could live together an be a family I think one thing is I don't think I could get another girlfriend ever I isn't the most outgoing person kind of really shy but I'm trying to be more outgoing just hard

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Well ask yourself this too : Considering fredg already stated, the rate of children getting hurt in these types of situations, would you rather let your daughter grow in a mentally and emotionally unstable household? I get that you love this woman and can't see a life without her, but if you go on like this you're going to cause more damage. Sometimes it is better to bite the bullet and go against the grain.

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I'm just so confused I want the best for my daughter but I don't what to lose my girlfriend even after everything she has done to me I think the best thing I can do then is just wait an give her space

You say you can't move on... what would you do if she told you right now that it was over and there was no chance of getting her back? Would you keep hanging on to hope that you may, someday, get back together? You're making this harder on yourself by thinking that there is no life without her.

And so you know... I speak from experience. I have been through this and guess what? Here I still am... and I found someone else... and I'm doing so much better.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

You say you can't move on....what would you do if she told you right now that it was over and there was no chance of getting her back? Would you keep hanging on to hope that you may, someday, get back together? You're making this harder on yourself by thinking that there is no life without her.

And so you know...I speak from experience. I have been through this and guess what? Here I still am...and I found someone else...and I'm doing so much better.

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I guess I would have no choice but to move on but she will always be in my life because of our daughter an every time I see her its going to be really hard for me one day I want to move on the next I want her back I know people say I will find another girlfriend an that but I just can't see that happening for me

You have to accept the fact that she will ALWAYS be a part of your life because of your daughter, but let that be a more positive point, if you can. What I mean by that is you can start doing better and creating a better life for yourself and your daughter instead of dragging yourself through so much pain and confusion because of the mother.

Learn to let go. No one wants to, and there will be a period where you will grieve a lot. But as odinn7 said, you'll feel loads better after that period of grief is over. I went through it too and now I can happily say I am MUCH happier alone than when I was pining over my ex.

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

You have to accept the fact that she will ALWAYS be a part of your life because of your daughter, but let that be a more positive point, if you can. What I mean by that is you can start doing better and creating a better life for yourself and your daughter instead of dragging yourself through so much pain and confusion because of the mother.

Learn to let go. No one wants to, and there will be a period where you will grieve a lot. But as odinn7 said, you'll feel loads better after that period of grief is over. I went through it too and now I can happily say I am MUCH happier alone than when I was pining over my ex.

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I think that will prob be the best thing I can do is just to let go an show her I don't need her in my life to be happy I guess just seems 7 years of my life have been wasted with her when I could I been with someone who loves me

Hey we all make mistakes, smithy2050. If it is any consolation I too wasted almost a year of my life with someone who didn't appreciate all the effort and emotional energy I put forth for them to see them happy. But that's life. It made me be more careful and not let my guard down too soon in the future. You need to try and focus on your daughter right now and later on when you are more ready and financially stable, you can test the waters in terms of dating again. I would advise you not to date right now though because you're already trying to get out of this one. Just pace yourself and take care of your daughter as best you can.

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Hey we all make mistakes, smithy2050. If it is any consolation I too wasted almost a year of my life with someone who didn't appreciate all the effort and emotional energy I put forth for them to see them happy. But that's life. It made me be more careful and not let my guard down too soon in the future. You need to try and focus on your daughter right now and later on when you are more ready and financially stable, you can test the waters in terms of dating again. I would advise you not to date right now though because you're already trying to get out of this one. Just pace yourself and take care of your daughter as best you can.

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Yea I don't think I would be ready to date anytime soon not after being with someone for 7 years think I've earned the time to be on my own an show my soon to be ex what she has lost an just focus on my daughter make her the main women in my life

Good stuff. That is a more positive and healthy approach. No one ever said it would be easy, but you have to know you are capable of doing it. The first step is approaching and admitting you need help. You already did that by conversing with us on this website. Now the rest is up to you.

All the best to you and your daughter.