Ask Me Help Desk - Is he cheating?

Im boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs. Six months ago, he started working offshore. When we first met, things seemed like a fairytale. He always took me out and always wanted to be with me but soon things had changed. It all started when he was hired offshore. We moved in together and I started noticing things. He had porn videos. He said he was addicted and I tried to be understanding about it. But after that, I noticed that he stayed gone whenever he came home from offshore. He always had something to do. He never offer to take me out anymore. He gives me money to shop and what not but we never go out unless I suggest it and it seems to avoid me whenever I come home. He jumps if I come in the room when he's texting or something on his phone. He even seem distant when we are at home. Notice: I moved away from home and have no friends or family here. He's all I have. Could he be cheating or am I trying to find something to be wrong?

All you can do at this point is speculate and cause more worry for yourself. Try communicating with him more. If you feel he is hiding something, then there is no trust between the two of you, which is not a stable relationship.

Your best bet is to ask him in whatever way you find works for you comfortably. Until then, you can nit pick for "evidence" of him possibly cheating until tomorrow. But my point is you need to gather your guts and talk to him.

Hope this helped.

I have asked and he'd say no he is not otherwise he'd just leave. I don't want to keep asking because I fear I will push him away. I don't know what to think but this gut feeling I have is bugging me.

He's told you he has a porn addiction but you didn't say how you feel about it or how you responded to it. Many on AMHD know that I am no fan of porn, but when a person says they have an addiction to something, shaming them over it is pretty pointless. I would have an open discussion with him about it and tell him the truth. If you aren't comfortable with his porn use, let him know, for example "I'm not a fan of the porn and would like you to at least cut down so you only use it when you're on the rig, away from me. When you're here, I'd like you and I to be more connected. What can we do to make that work because I feel left out of your life." As for the times when he's home, it's reasonable to expect him to include you in his social plans if you're living together. Some time with the guys, fine, but if it's to the exclusion of being with you a reasonable amount of time, I think you are not a high enough priority to him and need to move on.

You cannot make him "all that you have". You need a job, hobbies and some friends of your own. His work is dangerous, exhausting and isolating. Conditions on rigs can be pretty demanding and harsh. When he comes home he needs some time to himself, some time to sleep and rest, some time to see friends and some time with you. If he's "everything" to you and you expect all his time at home to be yours, he's going to feel suffocated and then won't want to be with you at all.

If you can acknowledge that and have something pleasant and interesting to talk about, and aren't overly needy when he comes home, your relationship will fare better. Figure out your goals and work toward them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

He's told you he has a porn addiction but you didn't say how you feel about it or how you responded to it. Many on AMHD know that I am no fan of porn, but when a person says they have an addiction to something, shaming them over it is pretty pointless. I would have an open discussion with him about it and tell him the truth. If you aren't comfortable with his porn use, let him know, for example "I'm not a fan of the porn and would like you to at least cut down so you only use it when you're on the rig, away from me. When you're here, I'd like you and I to be more connected. What can we do to make that work because I feel left out of your life." As for the times when he's home, it's reasonable to expect him to include you in his social plans if you're living together. Some time with the guys, fine, but if it's to the exclusion of being with you a reasonable amount of time, I think you are not a high enough priority to him and need to move on.

You cannot make him "all that you have". You need a job, hobbies and some friends of your own. His work is dangerous, exhausting and isolating. Conditions on rigs can be pretty demanding and harsh. When he comes home he needs some time to himself, some time to sleep and rest, some time to see friends and some time with you. If he's "everything" to you and you expect all his time at home to be yours, he's going to feel suffocated and then won't want to be with you at all.

If you can acknowledge that and have something pleasant and interesting to talk about, and aren't overly needy when he comes home, your relationship will fare better. figure out your goals and work toward them.

Wow

I know guys think differently from females but why cheat? Why don't guys leave if they are not interested anymore? If I lose interest with you, I will leave before I cheat. Are guys afraid to say it or what? Help!

They deal with emotions different than we do, they're more mental than emotional some men got it.from their dads or how they were treated in childhood affects how they develop emotionally. I have a son, I plan to let him know girls need to be respected even if they sound crazy. I had a boyfriend who's dad left at birth, he was a emotional wall till finally yrs into it he opened up. It depends on the person their upbringing too

Well your gut instinct is usually a good enough indication. What's the point of staying with him when all he does is give you doubt and bad vibes?
That is not helping your emotional health and your relationship. My best advice: If you are afraid of merely communicating with him, you shouldn't be with him.

They probably also could want their cake and to eat it as well. There are many reasons people cheat yet stay in a relationship.
The most realistic: They want sex without strings attached, but also maybe want the emotional dedication and connection that you would gain from having a long term relationship.

Simply put: Some people are selfish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

They probably also could want their cake and to eat it as well. There are many reasons why people cheat yet stay in a relationship.
The most realistic: They want sex without strings attached, but also maybe want the emotional dedication and connection that you would gain from having a long term relationship.

Simply put: Some people are selfish.

So true