Ask Me Help Desk - Why Am I Suddenly Attracted To My Fiance's Best Friend?

I have been dating a wonderful man for three years. We recently got engaged this past winter. He is out of town on business, and will be until the end of April. Right before he was to leave, we went to dinner with his best friend, whom I've socialized with many times over the last three years. I had absolutely no attraction to him ever before, and in fact have found him to be a bit of a cad, but during dinner he began discussing some issues he was having in his personal life, which is pretty rare (he usually discusses work, sports, or other light topics). I was shocked to observe that this seemingly shallow guy had some emotional depth to him. In any event, since that dinner, my fiancé has left town and I have not been able to get his best friend off my mind. I've even begun fantasizing about him, and then feel awful and guilty immediately afterward. My fiancé recently called and asked me to drop something off he had borrowed and forgot to return to his best friend, and I have been making excuse after excuse not to do it, because I'm afraid of what crazy feelings I'll have next. I'm pretty sure if I pursued my fiance's best friend, he'd oblige, knowing him. I do not want to cheat on my fiancé, nor will I--ever. I value what we have far too much to risk it by indulging some ridiculous fantasy. My questions are--- has anyone ever experienced something like this? Any theories as to why the heck this is happening (Up until very recently, I did not have ANY attraction to his best friend whatsoever, which is what baffles me the most)? Any suggestions for putting an end to these thoughts? Any suggestions for how to avoid being around his best friend without my fiancé thinking anything is up?

It 's called will power and self discipline. Of course, this man is going to be walking in and out of your engaged and married life for years to come, so will you be able to deal with that?

fiancé = male
fiancée = female

I had a reply typed up to this on the Adult Sexuality board, and lost it. >Sorry. :( I removed it as a dup. -WG< I know I won't get it perfect but here we go. This sounds like a fantasy or the introduction to a bad romance book or B-Rate Romantic Comedy. I think I have seen this movie before. I think it might have been a porn movie too... How old are you?

Anyhow, assuming this is an actual question I will respond accordingly.

My questions are--- has anyone ever experienced something like this?

Probably. Crushes and emotional affairs are actually quite common, all be it brief.

Any theories as to why the heck this is happening (Up until very recently, I did not have ANY attraction to his best friend whatsoever, which is what baffles me the most)?

You were probably subconsciously attracted to him before. I believe that him expressing his emotions about his personal life gave him dimension. From that you got the complete package and started thinking about it.

Which is a shame because you're engaged. I am not sure your Fiancé would appreciate this.

Any suggestions for putting an end to these thoughts?

Remember your Fiancé? That guy who you promised to marry. Until death do you part et al. Think on that. Think on him. Honestly, and I don't get to use this advice with many women, stop thinking with what is between your legs and start thinking with the head on your shoulders. Honestly, this isn't going to be the only time this is going to happen.

Any suggestions for how to avoid being around his best friend without my fiancee thinking anything is up?

Don't be around him unless your Fiancé is around. Maybe just don't be around him at all. If you REALLY need to return this mysterious item, i.e. the Pron Setup Prop, than do it before an evening engagement so that there is someplace that you HAVE to be right after. When you get to his door say: "Hi My Fiancé wanted me to drop this off for you." He will say "Thanks, hey want to come in and chat?" Or some variant of that. You say, and repeat after me, "No, I have plans for this evening. Good Night!" And walk away. Make appropriate greetings and farewells and be on your way. Maybe do it when you're on your period too. That could help.

If you get an invitation just say, and repeat after me, "No, I do not want to do XXXX". If he asks what you have lined up, "That isn't any of your business."

Basically, you've got an unwanted advancement and you need to deal with it. Shut him down and move along. And move on. It isn't hard to avoid him, and avoid him. This isn't complex.

Your future husband would appreciate this.

Craven, yes this is a real situation. I guess this is a case of art imitating life or perhaps the other way around! I'm a bit confused as to why my age is of any relevance; can't something like this happen at any stage of life?

Wondergirl, yes, and I plan to exercise plenty of both! I figured if there was something specific someone could suggest, I might find it useful :)

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Originally Posted by Mango75

Wondergirl, yes, and I plan to exercise plenty of both! I figured if there was something specific someone could suggest, I might find it useful :)

Craven gave you some terrific suggestions.

Yes he did; thanks to you both! I'm sure this situation isn't complex for the vast majority of people Craven, but it is a bit of a minefield for me as I haven't dealt with this sort of thing before. Once I thought about it, I realized you may have asked my age because this is the sort of dynamic that the vast majority of adults would have learned how to deal with as teenagers. I suppose I should have mentioned that yes, I am well into adulthood, however I have Asperger's Syndrome. I did not have the "typical" social experiences that most people have growing up, so there are many social/emotional situations that I "should have" learned to deal with as an adolescent, but didn't. It may be hard for you to believe, but prior to these most recent events, I never had sexual thoughts about any other man while I was in a relationship. I did not know if this sort of thing is "normal", or what to do about it, so here I am, asking. I have learned throughout the years that seeking advice on what is normal from people around me usually results in ridicule for not knowing "obvious" social norms. So thanks again for your advice Craven, I really do appreciate it.

I'm married to a man with Asperger's. Craven's advice works for Aspies as well as neurotypicals.

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Originally Posted by Mango75

I suppose I should have mentioned that yes, I am well into adulthood, however I have Asperger's Syndrome.

That makes a large amount of sense now. It falls into place.

It holds. Chances are you're just having a bit of a crush. This is a normal thing. What you have to concentrate on is who you're committed to. Avoid the situations where you're alone with your Fiance's best friend. Use time constraints if you need to deal with him.

It is a matter of letting the crush die and keeping true to your Fiancé. It is a bit of a minefield, but just remember that you're in a relationship and there is NO reason that you should have any sort of relations outside that relationship. No matter what you feel. Unless you have an open style relationship, but it doesn't sound like you do so we don't need to go there.

I have a few other questions for you guys if you don't mind. You said what I am experiencing is normal. Is being racked with guilt about having these thoughts also common? Or do most people recognize that it is just a crush that will run its course, so it's neither here nor there? Is this the sort of thing that rises to the level of an emotional affair, or is that only if I tell his best friend about how I am feeling and he reciprocates?

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Originally Posted by Mango75

Is being racked with guilt about having these thoughts also common?

Yes.

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Or do most people recognize that it is just a crush that will run its course, so it's neither here nor there?

Some do, and some don't.

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Is this the sort of thing that rises to the level of an emotional affair, or is that only if I tell his best friend about how I am feeling and he reciprocates?

It becomes an emotional or even romantic affair only if you act on it somehow. If you keep it to yourself and slowly push it away, all is well.

Thanks for the query, I'm having this thing past few days. But with different way, suddenly out of nothing, I'm having thoughts about my ex boyfriend's best friend. My BF died 5 years back and now after so many years I'm feeling obsessed over his friend whom I had not met since years. I guess you are trying to find something in this guy which is not visible in your fiancée. You are trying to getting something from this guy which you might don't see in your fiancée personality. I would suggest, please try to focus and think, what do you see in this guy which makes him different or better than your partner? You might see that after all, your fiancée is the right person for you, just talk to your fiancée.