Hi all :-)
Okay so Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, we have a great relationship still act like we did when we first got together but the past year our sex life has gone down, he says he is 'too tired' or 'had a long day' which I know is fair enough but I mean I'm 21 go the gym a lot and keep myself in shape and not too sound full of myself but I think I'm good looking. I've bought numerous outfits and more from Ann Summers which he says he likes but its still not sparked anything up. I'm lucky if its once a fortnight which I think is kind of strange for a 21 and 22 yr old couple.

So Ive noticed he's been watching A LOT of porn and when I asked him he lied, and said it wasn't him (LOL) so I dropped it as it normally doesn't faze me but I think because we haven't been having a lot of sex its now bothering me :( Every time I mention sex he just gets really angry so I can't even speak to him. I love him so much and I know sex isn't everything but I need it! LOL. Would appreciate any advice good or bad. Thanks guys x (sorry for the essay! )

You may be young still, but teen love has turned to adult reality. Where other areas of the relationship have to be developed. Any kids? Do you work? School? Do you always pass over his lies? Why would he need to? Was porn an issue before? How are the other areas of he relationship?

Is he interested in you otherwise or is the entire relationship starting to slow down ?

I am not sure the porn really plays into this issue at all.

I think there is other relationship issues at play here.

Is there really a lot of stress or exhaustion in his life? You go to the gym, but does he? I think you need to have a little sit down and talk with him about what is going on. See what the real story is.

How you act in a relationship, perceive yourselves and the situation, and feel about the different aspects is completely different as an adult versus as a teenager - which you were when you began seeing each other and which you have been for the majority of your relationship.

I am inclined to think that there is at least one other issue, if not there are many other issues, which are at play that are not being identified. And, because the sex has been slowing down, porn is catching the blame for everything. Besides, what is 'a lot' of porn? Is it more than his usual? If not, then his porn habit hasn't changed and it's likely not what is causing the other changes in your relationship. Even if the frequency with which he is using it has increased, that could still be because he is tired, as he said. Masturbation is easy and sex is a lot of effort.

No everything else is fine he says he still thinks I'm gorgeous and he's really lucky :S we both still live with our parents but see each other 5 days a week, no kids, no stress.. I know of, best friends, he has a good life really good family, we both go out as a couple and with own friends, he goes the gym plays rugby.. I never stop him doing what he wants to I'm quite easy going that's why porn has never really bothered me, when we first got together he didn't watch it that I know of but its just this past year he has most days, when I first seen it ages ago (I know I shouldn't be looking on his computer I know its pathetic) it didn't bother me atall beause we were having sex more but now its hardly any it is abit upsetting because if he can't be bothered having sex I don't see how he can be bothered watching that.. I know you said sex is a lot of effort but I still think we are only 21 I'm sure he could at least find some energy.. Even if I say oral he can't be bothered (sorry for that info lol) I will speak to him but abit worried because I know it will end up in a massive argument but I just wanted to know if this was just normal and I was being daft. I know sex isn't everything but it is just bothering me. Maybe he has just gone off me I suppose it happens. Thanks for the advice guys x

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Originally Posted by Danyelx1991

No everything else is fine he says he still thinks im gorgeous and hes really lucky :S we both still live with our parents but see each other 5 days a week, no kids, no stress.. i know of, best friends, he has a good life really good family, we both go out as a couple and with own friends, he goes the gym plays rugby..i never stop him doing what he wants to im quite easy going thats why porn has never really bothered me, when we first got together he didnt watch it that i know of but its just this past year he has most days, when i first seen it ages ago (i know i shouldnt be looking on his computer i know its pathetic) it didnt bother me atall beause we was having sex more but now its hardly any it is abit upsetting because if he can't be bothered having sex i dont see how he can be bothered watching that.. I know you said sex is alot of effort but i still think we are only 21 im sure he could at least find some energy.. Even if i say oral he can't be bothered (sorry for that info lol) I will speak to him but abit worried because i know it will end up in a massive argument but i just wanted to know if this was just normal and i was being daft. I know sex isnt everything but it is just bothering me. Maybe he has just gone off me i supose it happens. Thanks for the advice guys x

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You are right, sex isn't everything, but when a guy who was once willing is no longer keen there is normally something wrong. God idea to talk to him about it.

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Originally Posted by Kryssie

You are right, sex isn't everything, but when a guy who was once willing is no longer keen there is normally something wrong. God idea to talk to him about it.

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I will, scared of the answer though :-( thanks again.

To me,spicing up the relationship doesn't involve a hot new out fit or lingerie, its quality intimate moments that we can share and connect with on a spiritual, mental level.

I have to also note that you both live with your parents still, so I can understand thinking this is still a high school sweetheart thing, but you both have grown and changed, yet are still a dating couple as opposed to a deeply publicly committed couple because your lives are still separate.

I think at some point it will be time to define the path this relationship will take in the longer term. Its not the lack of sex that's the elephant in the room, its what the future looks like to both of you. 6 years is a helluva long preview.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

To me,spicing up the relationship doesn't involve a hot new out fit or lingerie, its quality intimate moments that we can share and connect with on a spiritual, mental level.

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Talaniman, I loved that so much. What great advice and so true.

(I tried giving you a greenie but it said I need to spread my rep around first) :)

"we both still live with our parents"

This would kill my libido and could definitely play a role. Do you have sex in your parents' houses or do you have to sneak off somewhere else? Such locations can be less than arousing/comfortable and as you two are now adults, it may make the relationship feel a little childish to him.

“but see each other 5 days a week, no kids, no stress.. i know of,”

Just because you don't know where the stress is coming from, doesn't mean it isn't there. The source could be internal. Are you approaching graduation? If so, maybe he's worrying about the future more. Also, seeing each other all of the time can kill your desire. A few days apart and my partner and I want to jump each other the next time we are alone.

“best friends, he has a good life really good family, we both go out as a couple and with own friends, he goes the gym plays rugby”

So? That’s nice, but that also doesn’t mean he’ll want sex.

“i know i shouldnt be looking on his computer”

You definitely should not. It’s an invasion of his privacy, it will erode your trust in each other, and what you find will not make you any happier.

“it is abit upsetting because if he can't be bothered having sex i dont see how he can be bothered watching that..”

I understand why this is upsetting. It seems as though he has lost his desire for you but his desire for the porn has stayed strong and/or it as if he is choosing the computer over you. But, again, this could genuinely have nothing to do with you. He has used porn for a very long time and he is still using it. There should be no surprise when a long time habit persists. What has changed is the frequency with which you have sex and that is what is upsetting you. Don’t confuse the two issues. You need to find out why the sex has slowed down and stop wondering why nothing has changed with regard to his porn use. You also need to listen to the answer he gives. If he says he is just too tired, he’s tired. If he’s just too stressed, then he’s stressed.

It isn't about porn... he's ticked off with you about something... and just hasn't had the balls to tell you what it is yet. And there really is a lot of things it might be... any one of them or any combination of them. They can all affect the libido.

Incidentally... he's an adult... its his right to watch porn if he wants... and its up to him if he tells you or not.

The fact you called it a lie... tells me you don't quite understand that part. You can't tell him he can't any more than he can tell you you can't watch chick flicks or read romance novels... which are the same to the female mind that porn is to the male mind.

Guys are visual... women aren't. Ergo the Men are from Mars, women are from Venus analogy.