Hi everyone
Just after a bit of advice as I know there isn't an answer :-(
As with a lot of posts it is concerning a first love.
I went out with her for 4 years and had a great time - Uni came and we ended up splitting up as many people do at this stage - a sad part of my life but I would consider myself to be pretty strong character wise so I just got on with it.
However now 10 years on I am having trouble committing and don't know whether to contact her.
I have had 3 serious relationships [ 2 x 4 years and 1x5 -current] and although I love my current partner very much I just feel that my first love was my soul mate.I have times when I dream about her and then for the next couple of days can't get her out of my head.
Is this normal!
The problem I have now is that I am approaching the 5 year mark with my current partner and I feel like I can't do the marriage think while there are these uncertanties in my head.I have never been engaged as I still see this as a very important step and I would like to think the person I would wed I would do it for ever .Thus I would need to be absolutely sure before asking that question.
So my take is - should I ring my first and find out what she is up to - I know deep down I would be happy if she had found someone and was happy because that would mean to me that ''we'' just weren't meant to be and I could get on with my life. Am I crazy?
I just think you have one crack at life and if you were meant to be with someone aren't you meant to be there?
Its not as if I haven't seen her for 10 years - I saw her at the 5 year school reunion and all the butterflies were there still for both of us - we then met up for a drink and it there was definitely something still there.
I guess it comes down to me being a coward and not wanting to make the decision that rules ''us'' out.
Like I said before I would be genuinely happy if she had found happiness elsewhere so what is holding me back from committing to that happiness which is waiting for me?
Any advice would be great
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post if you got this far!

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Originally Posted by missing_link

Hi everyone
Just after a bit of advice as I know there isnt an answer :-(
As with a lot of posts it is concerning a first love.
I went out with her for 4 years and had a great time - Uni came and we ended up splitting up as many people do at this stage - a sad part of my life but I woudl consider myself to be pretty strong character wise so I just got on with it.
However now 10 years on I am having trouble committing and dont know whether to contact her.
I have had 3 serious relationships [ 2 x 4 years and 1x5 -current] and although I love my current partner very much I just feel that my first love was my soul mate.I have times when I dream about her and then for the next couple of days can't get her out of my head.
Is this normal!!
The problem I have now is that I am approaching the 5 year mark with my current partner and I feel like I can't do the marriage think while there are these uncertanties in my head.I have never been engaged as I still see this as a very important step and I would like to think the person I would wed I would do it for ever .Thus I would need to be absolutely sure before asking that question.
So my take is - should I ring my first and find out what she is up to - I know deep down I would be happy if she had found someone and was happy because that would mean to me that ''we'' just werent meant to be and I could get on with my life. Am I crazy ??
I just think you have one crack at life and if you were meant to be with someone arent you meant to be there?
Its not as if I havent seen her for 10 years - I saw her at the 5 year school reunion and all the butterflies were there still for both of us - we then met up for a drink and it there was definately something still there.
I guess it comes down to me being a coward and not wanting to make the decision that rules ''us'' out.
Like I said before I would be genuinely happy if she had found happiness elsewhere so what is holding me back from committing to that happiness which is waiting for me?
Any advice would be great
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post if you got this far!

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I think that your first love is always significant, its an amazing feeling falling in love and when its for the 1st time it will always be special and will be remembered fondly forever. This was 10 years ago and the likelihood is that she has moved on. Are you saying that if your ex was interested in rekindling you would finish with your partner of 5 years?

I don't know, I think if you are having these thoughts then you shouldn't really be considering marriage, what if she came into your life a few years on? Would it be fair to your current partner?

That's the thing I don't know - I haven't given that much thought to that outcome I she is an attractive girl - good job and I would have thought she would have been attached
I sort have only viewed it from the point of her actually being happy and in a relationship if I phoned.
Would I finish with my current partner - I don't think I would. But I don't know if again this would be for the right reasons? The problem is I find that the heart and head often disagree with relationship issues and herein lies my problem...
So what are the best reasons for a relationship?

- they make you happy
- you work well together, you can see yourselves building a life together
- you love them
- you want the same things, share views on many subjects
- you can be on your own way from them and feel secure
- ultimately you would rather be with them than any other person.

That's my opinion anyway. I wouldn't marry someone just because you have been together 5 years, you marry them because you want to.

- they make you happy - yes
- you work well together, you can see yourselves building a life together - yes
- you love them - yes
- you want the same things, share views on many subjects - not all the same views
- you can be on your own way from them and feel secure - yes
- ultimately you would rather be with them than any other person. - I don't know?

I don't think you have to share all view otherwise that would be pretty dull, just share similar outlooks on life I guess.

I can't answer your question for you, ijust think its got to crunch time in this relationship and you want to make sure you are doing the right thing. You can never know for sure though can you? You just have to have faith in your relationship and go for it. There are never any guarantees. I would put this other girl in the past and concentrate on the relationship you are in now.

Thanks for your imput Lisalou - it is most appreciated
I think I am going to try and contact her and hope she is happy and attached - the bridge then gets a little more unstable if the answers to these question are negative
Thanks again
P.S.Anymore views would be appreciated

The problem as I see it that you have never gotten over the first love yet and it has affected your other relationships. Forget the ex and honestly you really are not ready for a relationship as you have not learned to grow past the point exclusive dating. After all this time you are still holding out hope of that first love. Not healthy. The flaw in your plan is you still see her as the same person you once knew, but that is highly unlikely after 10 years. Why bust back into someone's life after all this time? Work on getting over this obsession and learning to move on.

Heh Talaniman
Thanks for the input but I don't understand a couple of your points?
1.How do you think it has affected my other relationships?
2.What do you mean by ''grow past the point of exclusive dating''
I understand the other points you have commented on but I don't know what you have based the statements listed above on?
Thanks
P.S.I would hardly call in an obsession [ I only think of her periodically not all the time?]

How did everything go?

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The problem I have now is that I am approaching the 5 year mark with my current partner and I feel like I can't do the marriage think while there are these uncertanties in my head.I have never been engaged as I still see this as a very important step and I would like to think the person I would wed I would do it for ever .Thus I would need to be absolutely sure before asking that question.
So my take is - should I ring my first and find out what she is up to - I know deep down I would be happy if she had found someone and was happy because that would mean to me that ''we'' just weren't meant to be and I could get on with my life.

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1. You can't make a decision based on feelings that started 10 years ago. You have not let go, and are so defocused by that relationship you can't move on. That is an unhealthy obsession.
2. Exclusive relationships require you be over any exes and have moved on. You have gone through the motions, but haven't done the work. Your still stuck on feelings that should have been resolved a decade ago, and it has stopped you from giving your all in other relationships to this point in time where you feel a need to get her permission, instead of letting go and moving on with your life. I know this is an old thread, but thanks to Emo, I felt a need to answer the questions I mised before and hope it helps... someone.