Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 and a half years. We were best friends before we got together and being very much in love we moved in together after 5 months. We were pretty happy for a while and I really enjoyed living just us two, the privicy we had, the time we spent together was good. We were then asked to leave our flat and because we had some money difficulties we decided to move into a flat with some friends. This put a strain on us for a few reasons, we didn't get as much 'us' time as we used to. He enjoyed living with friends and didn't seem in a hurry to leave whereas I was more interested in being on our own again because I missed having that time. We argued more living in our shared place - one day when the lease was up on this place and we were going to get a place of our own he said to me that he didn't think we should live alone anymore - I was completely shocked and said we should split up, if he didn't know if he wanted me then we should split up. After a couple of days we got back together again and decided to see what it was like living apart, to see if we could make it work.. we have done, he lives at his mums and I live in a shared house. I would really like to live together again, its been 8 months apart now but although he says he loves me, he wants to live together he doesn't see why it is important. We said we would give it 6 months living apart and then see how things were, things have been brilliant but after the six months were up I gave him a bit of an ultimatum and he agreed we would move in together again soon. After a while I could see he wasn't that up for it so said to him I would let him decide when we lived together again - and he hasn't said anything. I agree with moved in together too quickly in the beginning, but I am beginning to wonder if we do have a future or if he is just going to back off all the time. Im 25 by the way and so is he. I love him very much and I just want to live together again so we can look forward in our relationship. Am I being a bit mad about this or do I have a point?

For now work on yourself and get a happy life independent from him,
It sounds like you became a bit of a "we" and for now he wants his independence.

What is your rush in living together again?

Work on the relationship while living apart.

Hmmm I would agree with that if he was using the time apart to do other things. When we aren't together I go see other friends and I am quite happy - the truth is I just love him and want to be like we were. He doesn't do anything when we aren't together, he stays at his mums and watches films alone to pass the time!

I f he isn't ready you can't force him to get there faster. Rushing in before you're both ready will probably cause him to back off, your relationship could ultimately fail, and if you can't get it together separately it's unlikely you'll make progress living under the same roof.

Its not that we can't make it work separately, I just want things to be how they were and it makes me feel really sad that he doesn't feel the same as me. I want to move forward, or back to where we were, we lived together for a year and a half so going from that to this has been hard, I just wonder sometimes if I am wasting my time with him because we get on so well but he seems reluctant to move forward. I feel like we have gone backwards but our relationship has got stronger.

<I feel like we have gone backwards but our relationship has got stronger.>
Well that's a great start.

Don't rush back to living together... no need to give up on him, perhaps he feels things went too fast before or perhaps he is in uncertainty.

<After a while I could see he wasn't that up for it so said to him I would let him decide when we lived together again>>

Was that just 2 months ago?

Yes it was two months ago. I know that sentence about going backwards but being stronger doesn't make much sense, what I mean by that is that after everything we have gone through we are still happy together which has made us stronger, I feel more secure with him now, in our relationship and I guess I feel the only thing that is making me feel insecure and questioning things is just this one point.

If your relationship has become stronger, then you are not going backwards. In fact, even though you miss being with him as much as before I think you will find it was worth it if it makes you stronger. It's tough to hold a relationship together. The stronger it is, the better its chances of lasting.

Quote:

I love him very much and I just want to live together again so we can look forward in our relationship. Am I being a bit mad about this or do I have a point?

I think you should relax and get beyond this need to move back in together. Your stuck on an idea he is in no hurry to get into. Date and enjoy getting to know each other.

Yes I think you are right, I know I need to get over this, it just leaves me with a panicky feeling because I guess I feel rejected by him when he isn't keen on this. It was a massive blow to me when he told me he didn't think we should continue living together - I didn't know if I was stupid for staying with him, my dad thought I was a complete idiot and that he should know what he wants and that I was dumb for believing in us. I love him very much and we are very close and I do feel that this break has done us good. He says that he does want to be with me and live with me but just not yet. So you are probably right, I should stop panicking. Sometimes it just feels that other people have opinions and they make you wonder if you are doing the right thing - you know 'if he's not prepared to commit then you should run' ' you deserve better' etc. Hes a lovely guy, I can trust him which is very important to me, I know that he loves me, he's not very romantic but its just not in his nature but he pulls it out of the bag at the right times. I guess I should just be thankful for what I have.

Keep happy and positive and don't let him see that this is bringing you down, do not question him about it again..

Let him see that you are having a fun , great life and are busy and have new friends everywhere!
Don't be available every time he wants to meet, be mysterious!

And forget about the other people and your friends opinions, this is YOUR life.