Ask Me Help Desk - How do you get along with a pessimistic spouse?

>edited for readability<

My husband of six years is a pessimist. I am kind of in between, can draw a line between positive and negative, but with him it seems like everything is negative and that everything people say are lies.

I have completely stopped telling him stories about work, had once told him that I met a very good friend of the band
Aerosmith, and he dismissed me. He told me if that man was telling the truth, then he would not be in such a cheap nursing home or something like that. I looked this man up and he was legit and was actually in a band but my husband still didn't want to hear of it.

It's like this with everything! If I say something like the person is late because they are busy, he will say no, they just don't want to come on time. If I say my boss can't meet with me today, he will say it's done intentionally because they don't care about me or something along those lines. It's to the point where I feel I can't talk to him and has turned me into a very nasty person because now when and if I do tell him something my defense wall automatically comes up making my answers sarcastic and irrational. Then he will say, "I can't talk to you anymore" or "I hate talking to you."

I just feel like he drains the happiness out of me before the happiness even kicks in. I rarely see my mom so she decided to buy me a ticket for my birthday to go to Florida to see my sister for only four days. He never once said he's happy for me or hopes I have fun. NOTHING! All I get from him is attitude and him saying things like "I have to sleep alone" or "I will be bored for four days" or "You will go to clubs." I haven't been to a club in over six years, so why in the world would I want to go to one now--and if I did go to one, I will be with my mom and sister.

He makes every situation about himself. I work 40 hours a week in a nursing home. I'm dead tired every single day and even on my days off. I feel I deserve happiness. I honestly don't want to go anymore! My mom likes my husband but she doesn't want him tagging along because she says he bothers me and that I don't seem happy when he's around because I make him my priority.

She also doesn't like the fact that I live poorly because I financially support him and am not in school at the moment -- all valid reasons for a mother who loves her daughter, but she does not interfere with our relationship. All she wants is a few days alone with her two daughters and son. That's all. There is no hidden agenda.

I don't know how to go about this. Whenever he says he wants to go somewhere, I support him. I'm just tired of arguing. I try to make peace. I purchased this book called the Dance of Anger to help our relationship, but he refuses to read it. He will say OK I'll get to it, but it's been over two years, and he has never even looked at the book.

Help me!

Couple points that scream at me...

Besides punctuation... Capital letters and paragraphs would make this a lot easier to read... >edited just for you!<

First off... it takes two to argue...

Second... You've been married for 6 years plus you knew him how long before that... and you just noticed he's like this now?

Third... for him supposedly being the pessimistic spouse... I see a lot of negativity coming from you. Some of it justified.. some of it not.

Fourth... If you want someone to shut down instead of listening or talking to you... nag them to death... thats the fastest way to get someone to stop communicating.

Fifth... It's a marriage... there are two sides to everything... you both have to find a happy medium on things... and understand sometimes you will have to do something you don't like... sometimes he will have to do something he doesn't like... sometime you both will have to do what you don't like.

If you make everything a battle... then you are going to have problems...

I'm not pointing fingers at either of you... I see what has escalated to a battle of wills...

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Couple point the scream at me...

Besides punctuation...Capital letters and paragraphs would make this a lot easier to read....

First off...it takes two to argue...

Second.... You've been married for 6 years plus you knew him how long before that.....and you just noticed he's like this now?

Thrird....for him supposedly being the pessimistic spouse...I see a lot of negativity coming from you. Some of it justified..some of it not.

Fourth..... If you want someone to shut down instead of listening or talking to you.....nag them to death...thats the fastest way to get someone to stop communicating.

Fifth... Its a marriage...there are two sides to everything...you both have to find a happy medium on things....and understand sometimes you will have to do something you don't like...sometimes he will have to do something he doesn't like....sometime you both will have to do what you don't like.

If you make everything a battle...then you are going to have problems....

I'm not pointing fingers at either of you.....I see what has escalated to a battle of wills....

How can I make it better? I didn't know he was a pessimist until last year because I never knew what the word meant and it wasn't bad at first. I've tried new techniques here and there but he just doesn't like change. I can tolerate a lot of his negativety from him and a lot of the times I do stay shut and just let him talk so that we don't argue. We avoid a lot of "battles" this way. I know people are all different and we just need to accept those for who they are but I just wish I can communicate with him a bit better or for him to understand me better.

Also can you tell me the negativity that is coming from me so I can work on it as well?

He isn't a pessimist.

Why are you the financial glue in this household: Does he work?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He isn't a pessimist.

Why are you the financial glue in this household: Does he work?

No he doesn't and hasn't for over 2 years because he refuses to take public transportation to find a job and he says the economy is bad and is unable to find a job. He has searched I've helped him do apps online. So he's not a pessimist? OK glad to know that maybe I just need to change my approach. I need to change my ways in order for him to change his. When you are the financial glue for years it becomes a burden. I think that's what's happening here with me. I'm very irritable all the time because I'm tired from work. Maybe I am actually the problem? I'm so confused

Yes or no -- you resent him for not job hunting. For not WANTING to job hunt. For not making money for the household. For really being lazy about it all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Yes or no -- you resent him for not job hunting.

Yes I do

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Yes or no -- you resent him for not job hunting. For not WANTING to job hunt. For not making money for the household. For really being lazy about it all.

Out of the 6years he only had a stable job for 2 years

Quote:

Originally Posted by altagraciafrias

yes i do

Do you realize job hunting is a full-time job all by itself? You go EVERYwhere to fill out apps and drop off your excellent resume, even at businesses and stores that have not advertised. You do this in person not via the Internet. You work hard all day doing this. You keep a log or journal of date and time and place where you applied and then make note of any response and also any follow-up. Job hunting is hard work.

Does he have an excellent resume? What is his background and what was his last job?

Quote:

Originally Posted by altagraciafrias

how can i make it better? i didnt know he was a pessimist until last year because i never knew what the word meant and it wasnt bad at first. ive tried new techniques here and there but he just doesnt like change. i can tolerate a lot of his negativety from him and a lot of the times i do stay shut and just let him talk so that we don't argue. we avoid a lot of "battles" this way. i know people are all different and we just need to accept those for who they are but i just wish i can communicate with him a bit better or for him to understand me better.

Some people are more resistant to change than others... I get the feeling he's one of those that like it in small doses.

Pick one small thing... that you aren't too far apart on... slowly work on that... remembering... HOW you present something means more than what you are actually presenting. Example... ( instead of throwing a bag of dog crap you cleaned up fromt her kitchen at him screaming get off your fat a** and take this out!. you try Honey.. I'm busy could you take this bag of little Rovers accident out to the can I'd appreciate it?

Keep in mind its not going to work for everything... and accept it as a reality of life... then try something else the next day...

Many peoples natural reaction when they perceive someone trying to force them to do something a brash manner is to either refuse or push back.

When you get in this situation one party needs to be the more mature person and stand up and swallow theior pride to get something accomplished... I commend you for being willing to make that step.

It might take time... but take it slow... do it non-confrontationally... and give him enough time to do it... like not demanding he jump up right this second... and he will slowly let down the guard I think he has up right now...

Don't expect it to happen overnight... or even in a few days... it might take weeks or months... but you will see an improvement in the right direction if you do it right.

Most guys are more than willing to do a lot of stuff... IF its presented in just the right way.

Meaning we respond a lot better to being sweet talked than being bullied.

As far as your other question about picking out how you were being negative... its the overall tone of the first post... easiest way I've found to see the sort of thing I'm talking about... Look at the post... imagine he was writing it and he was talking about you in it... usually by turning the tables around someone can notice somethiing they were saying without realising they were saying it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Some poeple are more resistant to change than others...I get the feeling he's one of those that like it in small doses.

Pick one small thing...that you aren't too far apart on....slowly work on that.....remembering....HOW you present something means more than what you are actually presenting. Example....( instead of throwing a bag of dog crap you cleaned up fromt her kitchen at him screaming get off your fat a** and take this out!........you try Honey..I'm busy could you take this bag of little Rovers accident out to the can I'd appreciate it?

Keep in mind its not going to work for everything....and accept it as a reality of life...then try something else the next day....

Many peoples natural reaction when they percieve someone trying to force them to do something a a brash manner is to either refuse or push back.

When you get in this situation one party needs to be the more mature person and stand up and swallow theior pride to get something accomplished.....I commend you for being willing to make that step.

It might take time...but take it slow...do it non-confrontationally....and give him enough time to do it...like not demanding he jump up right this second...and he will slowly let down the guard I think he has up right now....

Don't expect it to happen overnight...or even in a few days...it might take weeks or months...but you will see an improvement in the right direction if you do it right.

Most guys are more than willing to do a lot of stuff......IF its presented in just the right way.

Meaning we respond a lot better to being sweet talked than being bullied.

As far as your other question about picking out how you were being negative.....its the overall tone of the first post....easiest way I've found to see the sort of thing I'm talking about....Look at the post...imagine he was writing it and he was talking about you in it.....usually by turning the tables around someone can notice somethiing they were saying without realising they were saying it.

I don't bully my husband at all. I ask him nicely all the time. Its after the fourth or fifth time of me asking that I get mad and go on a yelling spree, and I don't mean I would ask him 4 or 5 times that day, I mean I would ask for days and weeks! why wouldn't I be mad? He wouldn't appreciate me doing that to him. I was once cleaning the entire house by myself and I asked very nicely "hey sweety can you move this box for me so i can vacuum this area?" he said "ok, give me 10 to 20 minutes" I ended up moving the box myself. This upset me because he was playing video games and he knew I was so tired because I was cleaning for over an hour. I had time to move the box, finish vacuuming, move the box back and put back all the furniture while he sat there playing games. I know I am an angry person but its justified. I work sooo hard for him and myself and I don't see the appreciation at all

Out of 6years he has only worked for 2. he doesn't clean or do anything. But I still accept him and I noticed he likes to do things together so when I clean I ask him to join but after picking up a few items he stops and goes back to either playing games, reading or watching TV. He leaves the bathroom a mess. I haven't cleaned the bathroom in a month and do you think he has picked up a rag and cleaned the toilet that he has dirtied? No he has not. I have asked nicely and I even send him text messages reminding him adding I love yous and baby pleases in them and still nothing.

I have notice a change though. He cooks everyday for me and its because he has discovered that he loves cooking. He only does things he likes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you realize job hunting is a full-time job all by itself? You go EVERYwhere to fill out apps and drop off your excellent resume, even at businesses and stores that have not advertised. You do this in person not via the Internet. You work hard all day doing this. You keep a log or journal of date and time and place where you applied and then make note of any response and also any followup. Job hunting is hard work.

Does he have an excellent resume? What is his background and what was his last job?

I know job hunting is a full time job but he isn't even making it a part time job. He has a pretty good resume. He is a home health aide and all he is missing is a tb test and a physical. He has known this for about a month now. He has the money for the physical and tb test so what's stopping him? I text him from work reminding him about this. But he always has an excuse. "oh i forgot" "im not feeling well today" "oh im sorry" "i'll wait to get it done free with my insurance in new york" "i dont have a car to get there" "i dont want to take the bus" "my friend is busy so he can't take me"

His last job was home health aide. He fixes cars as well but doesn't have a mechanic license and his mom gave him money about 2years ago so he can go to school with me when I did my nurses assistant course and he just never went.

He has options and is thinking of excuses to stay home

Does he have depression?

It seems the more you remind him (nag him?), the faster he shuts down and refuses to cooperate.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

How can you get him to want to do things without you reminding him or telling him?

Have you ever suggested couples counseling?

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Does he have depression?

I believe so. We both suffer from it but haven't been diagnosed with it. We talk about it when one of us brings it up and it usually makes us feel better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It seems the more you remind him (nag him?), the faster he shuts down and refuses to cooperate.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

How can you get him to want to do things without you reminding him or telling him?

Have you ever suggested couples counseling?

If I don't remind him he won't do it, if I remind him he won't do it. His problem is that he got use to his mom doing everyhting for him and thinks I'm his mom and I refuse to pick up that role

Quote:

Originally Posted by altagraciafrias

i believe so. we both suffer from it but havent been diagnosed with it. we talk about it when one of us brings it up and it usually makes us feel better.

You both need to see a doctor about it... it can usually be controlled and might result in some profound changes for the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It seems the more you remind him (nag him?), the faster he shuts down and refuses to cooperate.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

How can you get him to want to do things without you reminding him or telling him?

Have you ever suggested couples counseling?

He doesn't want to tell a stranger his problems and we don't have money for counseling so I look things up online and try to do my own counsling with him but he won't do the little things with me that are suggested. Like I tell him while I'm at work to make a list of things that I do that he hates, or things that I can do to make the relationship better. Or things we both can do as a couple to make it better and he doesn't do them. I'm tired of sounding like a nag and repeating myself I just can't any more. He always says the problem is that we don't have money or that he's not working or that he has bad luck. He doesn't have bad luck he makes stupid choices that cost us lots of money. Like now his license is suspended and had to spend tons of money on tickets. Money that his mom gave him to buy a car. He has had that money for months and still no car. He claims he's waiting for the ultimate deal but come on just get a car so you can expand your job hunt and so we can go back to school. I can't go to school and work a full time job while he;s home doing nothing.

I mean we are still young I'm 26 and he's 24 and I think the problem also with him is that he's still immature and maybe he's having trouble accepting that I'm not immature anymore. I don't know. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings so I suggest he writes it and I'll wite down mines but he kind of laughs and shrugs at those ideas like a teen would

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

You both need to see a doctor about it....it can usually be controlled and might result in some profound changes for the better.

I so want to but he doesn't want to go to counseling because the idea of telling a stranger his problems doesn't sit well with him. Or even a doctor

You go to counseling for yourself. He will bring you down. Do it for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by altagraciafrias

i so want to but he doesnt want to go to counseling because the idea of telling a stranger his problems doesnt sit well with him. or even a doctor

You have a real problem there then... because depression is a very treatable condition.

Any chance of alcohol or drugs being an influence? Does he get out of bed in the morning? Does he receive or has he in the past received any any type of unemployment insurance payment--if he was eligible and didn't collect, is there a reason for that?
Is there a small change, or large change in him since you first met and got to know him?

Nice guess Smearcase,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...lp-735567.html

He still smoke marijuana, but she quit. Be nice if she filled in the blanks of the post she deleted so we all would have some insights into this situation.

Exactly... him being a stoner explains everything... or at least his lazy behavior. Those being well documented results of prolonged and heavy Pot use.