So, I'm almost 16 (I will be on the 28th of Februaury) and my parents have been taring me down every chance they get - especially my mom. Saying that I'm not going to get anywhere in life when I have been working as hard as I possibly can in every opportunity I get. I am NEVER good enough for them. It especially hurts me when I see them going off and praising my sister for everything she does well - which seems to be everything (and that's no exaduration). To make matters worse, she's my twin. The one everyone always compares me to. I'm starting to believe that they really don't care about me anymore. They've given up on my future. I want to find another place to stay but I have no where to go. I can't even stay at my bfs house. His parents wouldn't allow it. I have no idea what to do. Im so lost with my life. I need to show my parents how they've been making me feel as soon as I possibly can, I just don't know how to do it.

Just deal with it.. this is a monster of your own making. Seriously... you are creating an environment where you are getting exactly the sort of responses you are complaining about.

In a couple years after you turn 18... then you can move out and support yourself and do as you wish... right now... its their house... and it's their money that's supporting you. Therefore they get to make the decisions and set the rules.

Also consider this... bad attitudes get you noplace in the real world, just like they get you noplace at home... A bad attitude will get you fired from work... and turn even your best friends away from you.

We all know the average teenager thinks they have all the answers to everything... trust me... you don't. In two more years you are going to find out how wrong your assumptions about everything are wrong... when you have to live with the real consequences of your actions.. and work to pay for every dime you spend for everything.

And seriously... cool off... giving anyone a bad attitude WILL result in them giving you one right back.

Remember the old saying... you can attract more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

That is exactly what that means. Suck it up.. do what you are expected to and don't give them any lip... and they will respond in kind.

Didn't say that to be mean... I said that so you give a thought to your actions... you aren't going to win. Sometimes your behavior can be self destructive. This is such a time.

Are your grades GOOD ?

Are you involved with activities at school ? Sports / clubs etc ?

Do you hang out with kids that your parents do NOT approve of ?

Are you using any alcohol or drugs ?

Couple of things first...

One, you are a teenager and hormones are coursing through your body, and a side effect of that is that emotions border on extreme, and can be overwhelming. I know in my adolescence the emotional swings and frustrations were mountainous.

Two, when engaging your parents (especially if they are tearing you down) make a point to compose yourself, and instead of reacting, respond thoughtfully. Don't yell, scream, point out what they or your sister do wrong, get to the heart of the matter, address it and find a course of action from the discussion.

Three, Think about where they are coming from, saying you will never amount to anything sounds pretty harsh (My mother said she wished she had an abortion), but I am guessing that they love you, and that they want you to amount to something. I doubt they are giving up on you, I also doubt that you are working as hard as you possibly can (few people do that)

Four, when they "tear you apart" ask them "what you do?" "How would you do it?" "Can you help me", criticism is easy for everyone to dole out, and can be hurtful especially if you don't know how to receive it. Im guessing they are trying to point out what they think you should improve, but at your age it is not easy to figure out all of that on your own, people assume that kids will figure it out, but often it comes with struggling with what you're dealing with, and when they tell you what you're doing wrong its easy to take it personally. The answer isn't always obvious, hell the question isn't always obvious, but the fact that your asking on the internet what to do says a lot(that you want to get better, want them to have a better opinion of you, and that you would like help). Ask them for guidance, that you want help to improve because you're not sure how to do it on your own. You may even benefit more from a mentor outside of your family. I bet that if you ask for help it will show them that you would like to improve, and that you aren't just a rebellious teenager. If you get a mentor (which could be a teacher at your school, therapist, coach, aunt, coach) you will have someone to bring your questions to, its easier to find solutions and direction when you have another perspective. You may get help, but remember: no one can solve your problems for you, so don't expect them to.

Five, write them a letter stating how you feel, where you are struggling, what you want help with, how what they say makes you feel, what you want to do with your life etc...
DO NIOT use the letter to attack them, although parents aren't all perfect, most care about their kids, this letter is to help you guys get on the same page.
Ask them to write you a letter back, that way you can read it in private, review it whenever you feel the need, and most importantly if anything triggers an emotional response you will be alone and it won't spark a fight, but allow you to collect your thoughts.

I don't recommend moving out unless they are beating you or something, independent teen s usually drop out, you have to finish high school at MINIMUM, you may think you know plenty, but the fact of that matter is if you want to make money some day and eat more than ramen noodles, most jobs do look at you education, and GED is generally a red-flag in the hiring process. Also conflict/problem resolution is important in any field or area of life.

Instead of looking at your problem as you VS. Them, try and realize you can and should be on the same team, it should be you+them VS. Life, they want to help you overcome lifes problems and succeed. Re-evaluate and tell them you would like to be on the same team.


Create a safe word for whenever you feel overwhelmed to use to tell your parents that they are hurting your feelings or are about to overload (say "snickerdoodle")
With my mother (who is suprememly crazy) I would say "snickerdoodle" and she would stop ranting take, a breath, apologize, and begin again calmly. Remember, parents don't know everything, and I bet you push all there buttons.


Think about what you want to do with your life.

Make a plan.

When you're overwhelmed, stop, take a breath, say "this to shall pass, its not the end of the world"

Don't be a baby, you're a grown woman, adults think, question, find solutions and act, babies cry, and throw tantrums, and run away. Ask yourself a few times a day, which category describes you more. Just because your body has grown, you have a boyfriend, you can have sex, doesn't make you an adult. Focus on yourself not your parents.

Remember only you can take care of you, so learn how to do it.

Please respond

Smoothy,
This isn't just a "oh my parents said something and now I'm mad" kind of thing. We have had some trust issues in the past that they aren't willing to let go of (in the past as in 4 years ago I used to cut myself) and now they just think I'm hopeless and won't allow me to have a second chance to prove to them that I'm not worthless and that I do care about them and I am a responsible person.

Mc sap 9213
My grades last year were nothing more than underwhelming. This year I have 4 A's and three B's (I've committed to taking an extra hour as well). Im really not that social, but all my friends are christian (as am I and my family) and so is my boyfriend. My life pretty much revolves around my faith. I play guitar and sing at church every Sunday and I go to youth group every Monday and Wednesday night. And I don't do drugs.

Thisismiller
I've tried all those things (no I'm not just saying that). They don't want to listen to my opinion. They are extremely headstrong when it comes to things like this and all that really matters is what they think, to be quite blunt. What they say is "This is a dictatorship. Not a democracy." Talking to them seems to be a complete waste of time. They don't want to be on "my side". They're here to make the rules. I wrote the letter... but I'm afraid of giving it to them... planning on just getting it done and over with tonight.

Sarah, 4 years while it may seem long to you now is really very little time at all. Almost a blink of an eye to them. When you are older... you too will see what I mean.

And intentionally cutting yourself is not like showing up 5 minutes late for curfew. It's a pretty serious thing.

I

I know... I just had a lot of trouble in Middle School with expressing my frustration and I was knocked up on some meds that completely stunted my hormones (ridiline - go figure) but they don't understand that my medicine was playing with my head. I didn't even realize it at the time. But my doctor explained that to them and they still ignore her and continue to blame me. Now I have a new doctor and she tells my parents that she feels sorry for them because of me - WHILE IM STILL IN THE ROOM. And that deffinitely isn't helping them to get a better perspective of who I am.

Keep in mind... its really not as bad as it might seem to you right now... its going to be a lot harder when you become an adult and go out in life on your own.

Learn to deal with this now... and you will be even more prepared for the reality you will be facing when you are an adult on your own.

This is NOTHING compared to what a lot of people HAVE to deal with everyday at work. When your boss or employer don't HAVE to be nice to you... and the easier it is to replace you... the rougher they can be. And get away with it.

What I am trying to get across... is yes.. it might seem bad for you now... but you really don't have the life experience yet to see what bad really is yet. And you will in all likelihood find out at some point.

Your parents actually do care about you more than most of the people you will have to interact with the rest of your life... usually even more than the person you will marry.

Many twins are best friends. Some are at odds and fight all the time. I'm very sorry that somehow you were swept under the rug, ended up cutting at such a young age, and had to take Ritalin - terrible drug, in my opinion. I'm not so sure you were getting the right treatment from an early age, and needed more talk therapy than drugs.
But we take the families we are given. My mother was a holy terror. I was miserable.
All you can do is bide your time and try to stay out of everyone's way, and don't mess around with your boyfriend (my mother screamed constantly that she knew I was having sex when I wasn't). Maybe an after school job, and weekends? I used to babysit on the bus route home and the parents drove me home later. Anything to stay away.

Smoothy,
I feel like if I adjust now to going off on my own I will be better prepared than they will ever have me prepared for that..

Joypulv,
Unfortunately the only friend I really have to get out of the house with is my boyfriend and he can never have me over because his parents are never home (my parents wouldn't allow it - go figure). And my sister snatches the babysitting jobs as soon as they're offered without even giving me a chance to try it out. I want to train to be a life guard this spring and get a job at the community pool this summer but that won't be a while from now.

What I mean is... you are going to have to deal with far more demanding people in life... you will work for some of them. You do your best and don't expect positive reinforcement over every little good thing you do... because as an adult... if you do get praise for doing something right... its a rare event to cherish.. But trust me... do something wrong as an adult... you will be held accountable for it... and have to live with it for far longer than your parents have over what you did.

Going out on your own is really not as nice as you have imagined it being. The real world is exceptionally unforgiving. Unlike your parents where you have a chance to earn your way back into their good graces.

Screw up at work badly... you get fired... if you can't find new work.. you don't eat... maybe even lose your place to live, etc...

The thing is... its already like that for me now. I screwed up badly with my parents and they just ignore me. The only reason they're still a small fraction of my life is because I need a place to stay. Yes, they could've kicked me out of the house but they have no where to send me to - that's why they haven't. We talked about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sarahgotswaggg

The thing is... its already like that for me now. I screwed up badly with my parents and they just ignore me. The only reason they're still a small fraction of my life is because I need a place to stay. Yes, they could've kicked me out of the house but they have no where to send me to - that's why they havent. we talked about it.

---

I've been working on repainting one of my cars for longer than you have been going through this with your parents... what seems like a long time for you is really very little time.

Its all about perspective. A year to you seems like a very long time... a year to me seems like nothing at all. The older you get.. the more you will understand this for yourself.

IF you want to know what bad can be for a child...

I actually know a woman whose parents who pimped her out (sex for drugs) for drug money for years before she was 12... they physically beat her and kept her in chains at night to keep her from running off... after years of this, one night they forgot and she was on the streets at 14.

She's still in therapy and she's over 40. Trust me... she did not exaggerate or lie abut it. Because she keeps this a secret from most people... except for a couple of us. She wasn't in a poor country... she was in the USA.

That is what bad can be.

When you say your sister grabs the babysitting jobs first, that sounds like you get defeated about absolutely everything. You can go out and get the jobs yourself.

Most high schools these days have a job phone line. If yours doesn't have one, tell them they need one. It goes in the local paper as a public service announcement and there's a bulletin board up at school with help wanted ads as they are called in. And your school could also have a Facebook page for people to write in and say they need help. You could offer to start that.
No more blaming everything on parents and sister.

Smoothy,
I am so sorry to hear about that... I had a situation somewhat like that (not nearly as bad though [abusive diving coach locked me in the locker room once, and an abusive boyfriend - the boyfriend was only physically/verbally abusive])... which did partially cause me to go suicidal for a while. I've blocked most of it out of my memory... I know my life could be worse... but for 15/16 years old... I feel like I've just been through too much. I have to look at the guy who got drunk and punched, kicked and shoved me until I blacked out every single ing day. Ok I can't talk about this anymore. Back to the parent situation.

Joypulv,
I'll try that