I am considering separation/divorce from husband, have a 5 month old. My parents live in another state across the country from where I am now. I am not financially able to stay in my current state, afford an apartment, car, living expenses, sitter on my own, and that is why I would go to my parents' home to live. They would be able to help me get back on my feet and offer emotional support as well as child care while I work.

I know if I tell my husband I'm leaving, he'll abscond with the baby. He is not stable job-wise, emotionally, and has a history of drug abuse. I cannot let this happen. I also can't afford legal help. I just don't know what I can do.

I have heard conflicting reports on whether I can legally leave the state with my baby. I don't want to be in trouble, and absolutely can't stay where I am.
Can I or can I not legally leave without being separated or divorced, and does it have to be on a temporary basis?

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:... I know if I tell my husband I'm leaving, he'll abscond with the baby...

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So you want to abscond with the baby first.

Yes, you can do that, but then he can sue you for custody and the court may require you to return the baby to where you now live. According to the UCCJEA, the courts in your current state, not the state to which you move, would have jurisdiction, at least for a while. How old is the baby?

Yes! But, it is for the benefit of the baby. To stay where we are is nothing short of a freight train heading for a brick wall - fast. Leaving the situation would only be beneficial for both the baby and I.

The baby is 5 months old.

Neither he or I have much money. He bounces from one job to another, and I work 10-12 hours a day 5-6 days a week just to make ends meet.

It's useless.

IF you leave with the baby, he may file in court to order the baby returned to his state.
If he files before you establish residency ( about 6 months) then all child custody hearings will be done in his state and you will have to return there for court.

So he may do nothing, you move and in a few months you file for custody in your state.
But if he was asking the question here, and you had just left, we tell him to go to court, file for am emergency custody order, you are ordered to return the child to him, and it will go against you in court that you took off, denying him visitation or joint custody though courts.

So you can do it, but could end up losing the child to him, if you do, and if he files in court

Thanks. Appreciate your help - even if it's not what I wanted to hear...

I really don't think any sane court in the country would demand custody be given to him, given his history of drug abuse, forced hospital stay, arrest, inability to hold a job... the list goes on.

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Originally Posted by Gottaleave

I really don't think any sane court in the country would demand custody be given to him, given his history of drug abuse, forced hospital stay, arrest, inability to hold a job.....the list goes on.

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If it turns to parental kidnapping then you might be surprised at how fast custody changes hands in a courtroom.

You really need to consider all this very carefully. Also if you promise to return and g state your just going for a visit then you may still hold ties to the state your in no matter how long you are gone for. If your considering the move then start by going to court and get everything lined up and ask the courts permission to do so. Keep it legal. Settle the custody issues before you attempt to leave.

If I went on vacation with the baby to another state, then that would be totally legal. It would just be an open-ended visit, and he would have to know about it prior to our leaving. Right?

Yes he would have to know. But if your thinking about going and not coming back that is another story. So long as your married you hold significant ties to the state your in. And if he goes to court in that state you will be forced to deal with that state so long as one of you lives there. That is why it is very important to settle this before you leave.

What do you make of a married man (4 years) going home to Mom because he doesn't feel well (mostly mentally) and wife is fed up? He is going to stay in another state with Mom while wife and 10 month old baby carry on in current state. He has not offered any means of support during this time. Wife is in agreement with him getting out of house for a while. (don't know duration). He has a history of drug/alcohol issues. She is almost to the point of wanting to dissolve marriage, but does not have the means to support herself/baby in the state she's in. If she moves out of state to live with parents, how can all this work? It's such a mess, and neither one will put the papers on the table. Thanks for listening!

Husband leaves wife and 10 month old to go home to Mommy because he doesn't "feel" well, and isn't getting the attention he needs from wife? I don't know duration of his stay out of state. Wife is fed up with his antics, and wants out of marriage, but does not have the funds to do so and stay in state. Can she also leave state and go to her parents' home to live with child, especially since he's left their current state? How would separation or divorce work in this case?
Thanks for any help...

Yes, she can go live where she wants.
Separation varies by state quite a bit. Divorce varies mostly in grounds and time to become final, as well as how property might be divided. Because you have a child, you first need to file for support in Family Court. Custody arrangements will be decided there too. Gather some funds for divorce, because it will help to have a lawyer, and that will be difficult to pay for unless your husband has plenty of money and the lawyer is willing to work without a retainer. If you wish to just file for divorce and work out support and custody in one process, you can, but it can get bitter, and it would make sense to handle it in Family Court first. There's no law that says you have to have a lawyer for anything, but you really need one for the divorce, unless you have a very willing husband and can work out all the details that one needs to cover.

Since he left, particularly if he's not providing support, I would recommend you go where you want to be to raise the child on your own. Wait six months after you get there, and then hire a family law attorney and file in your new state for child support and divorce. The reason I would handle it this way is that after 6 months, you will have established legal residency for yourself and the child in the new state you are moving to. Otherwise, if you file where you are and then leave the state, it will be harder to sort out.

You can't hide the child from the ex-husband and need to let him know where you are going. I would not tell him more than you have to. "Since you've gone to your parents, I'm going to my parents with the baby. I need their assistance."

What are the arrangements for your residence? Do you own a home? Rent? Can you get out of whatever housing commitment you've made, and what are you planning to do with his stuff?

Please don't start multiple threads over the same issue. I've merged your threads. Any further follow-up should be posted as replies to this thread.

Be aware that, if you leave and he returns, he can force you to return if you haven't established residency.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Please don't start multiple threads over the same issue. I've merged your threads. Any further followup should be posted as replies to this thread.

Be aware that, if you leave and he returns, he can force you to return if you haven't established residency.

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Thanks. Everyone has been helpful. This is such a bungled mess, and I know the situation isn't unique. If either had enough funds to get a lawyer, it would be resolved a bit more easily. Thanks for your help.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Since he left, particularly if he's not providing support, I would recommend you go where you want to be to raise the child on your own. Wait six months after you get there, and then hire a family law attorney and file in your new state for child support and divorce. The reason I would handle it this way is that after 6 months, you will have established legal residency for yourself and the child in the new state you are moving to. Otherwise, if you file where you are and then leave the state, it will be harder to sort out.

You can't hide the child from the ex-husband and need to let him know where you are going. I would not tell him more than you have to. "Since you've gone to your parents, I'm going to my parents with the baby. I need their assistance."

What are the arrangements for your residence? Do you own a home? Rent? Can you get out of whatever housing commitment you've made, and what are you planning to do with his stuff?

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This situation is actually about my daughter - he looks over her shoulder when she's online, so I'm doing the legwork for her. Pathetic. Anyhow, they are on a month-month lease, so leaving is not a problem. She dropped him off at his mother's yesterday, and is returning home today. They only have one car, as she had to sell hers for living expenses. I really don't know how long he'll be away - I've heard 2 different scenarios - one where he might look for a job near Mom's area and then wants her/baby to join him (she won't do this), and the other that he'll be coming home within a week. I have shaken my head over this so many times I'm getting dizzy. Thanks for your input.