I'm not sure what to do? I've been talking to this girl who I met a few weeks backs and we have been getting on really well and last weekend she had to close her Facebook page because her ex-boyfriend has been on her case anyway. I asked what the problem was she said don't worry I don’t want to talk about it he is horrible so I left it at that! The day before Valentine’s day she accidental opened my card which she liked and she received an anonymous and she thinks it could be her ex who she said has been acting strange so I said you need to report it if he continues this way.

So we have been talking and there is a little spark I can feel building up so Valentine’s Day came along and I brought her a surprise gift which she said she was touched by. I asked can we meet properly and she just wants to text and take her time as she said it takes time for her to trust a guy! Yesterday I wished her good morning and she said she did not sleep as her ex has been on her case again so I said if he sees you upset and you respond to him then you are going to play in to his hands I told things will get better and how good she is to me and that she deserved better she replied by saying " I’m always going to love him " to which I said we all need to put the past behind us and move on she then said" her ex is so annoying I’m stressed and with moving in 3 weeks I need to sort stuff out" I offered to help her she said " I just need you to chill out it's all too much at the moment I hate men pressuring me."

I left it till the afternoon to see if we could chat after work she said "I need to be left alone too much be going on” I left her a good night message last night. I’ve left her a message just to see if she was okay and to wish her a good weekend as yet no reply! What is going on ? And what do I do?

It seems she needs time and space to work through her issues and to let the past go.

She said she needs a break from feeling pressured. I know you probably don't think you have been adding any pressure, but she may be feeling differently about spoken and unspoken expectations. Back off and let her contact you when she is ready.

She isn't ready for a relationship and at this point in her healing process friendship with someone who seems to be interested in her as more than a friend probably isn't helping.

Live your life and you may meet someone who is ready for sparks or she may contact you. If she does, then you can see where the friendship goes from that point.

You need to leave her alone. Stop the messaging, she is not ready.

Hey Cat,

Thanks for your advice and I have been reflecting on what you are saying and I'm going to leave her for a week or two one thing I've noticed she is has had a look on the dating site we've met on.
I feel both in my heart and mind she is worth waiting for and personality wise she is great .
I was also thinking she is moving in 3 weeks time shall I leave it till then ?

I think you should let her contact you if she wants. She asked for space, give it to her.

She told you to back off and that's what you do, and that does mean way off and find someone else to shower with affection, and concern. Leave her alone unless she contacts you ready for fun, dating.

Until then, just assume the she is looking around at her other options and you ain't it. You can't force someone to be as ready as you are, or feel the same, so take the hint and leave her alone because you seem to be as annoying as her ex.

I have and will continue to respect her wishes who knows what will happen eventually ?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

It seems she needs time and space to work through her issues and to let the past go.

She said she needs a break from feeling pressured. I know you probably don't think you have been adding any pressure, but she may be feeling differently about spoken and unspoken expectations. Back off and let her contact you when she is ready.

She isn't ready for a relationship and at this point in her healing process friendship with someone who seems to be interested in her as more than a friend probably isn't helping.

Live your life and you may meet someone who is ready for sparks or she may contact you. If she does, then you can see where the friendship goes from that point.

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Here is a little update: I left to have time alone and the bad news is she gone back to her ex who did not treat her right and he is so bad mannered as well we have had a little chat and she said she needed time with her Ex and chose him but however I said if she wanted to talk again in the future or just wanted to chat at anytime then I said she is welcome to which she said OK will do !
So I think he maybe on borrowed time and she said she has been planning to move for months so I wonder what she means by that ?

Jay, it means you need to leave her alone. She is living her life. Time for you to be concerned about your own without thinking about her.

Whether she moves or she doesn't, isn't your business. She has made a decision. What happens now is between them. She is out of your life. Let it stay that way.

I know there is a thought of breaking them up or doing something else equally 'not recommended'. Put those thoughts out of your mind. They only end up with you hurting yourself.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Jay, it means you need to leave her alone. She is living her life. Time for you to be concerned about your own without thinking about her.

Whether she moves or she doesn't, isn't your business. She has made a decision. What happens now is between them. She is out of your life. Let it stay that way.

I know there is a thought of breaking them up or doing something else equally 'not recommended'. Put those thoughts out of your mind. They only end up with you hurting yourself.

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Sure will cat the good thing is she is keen on staying in touch I've been chatting to other ladies but just looking at present before making a move !
I know I have not done anything wrong but I feel she has made the wrong decsion after she told me the stuff he has done but I told her that I will support her to which she is grateful for !

If she has gone back to her ex, she has no business chatting with you and you should not have encouraged it. All that does is put a cramp on that relationship and put her in a bad position. You need to leave her completely alone.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If she has gone back to her ex, she has no business chatting with you and you should not have encouraged it. All that does is put a cramp on that relationship and put her in a bad position. You need to leave her completely alone.

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I did give her space and it was only a casual text conversation but she is keen to keep in touch and I think she is planning an exit from him but I'm leaving it till she contacts me and then see what happens ?

Yeah you leave it. You don't want to be the rebound.

Just a quick update :
After last weekend where I received abusive text messages from her BF she text me on Thursday out of the blue asking how I was and apologized to me for her BF sending abusive messages she said " He had no right looking at my phone let alone sending texts messages as well " we text for a while getting on as well as we did before she went back to him .
It seems she is realizing it was not a good idea going back to him but is giving it a try for a few weeks .
I said if she ever wants a shoulder to cry on or wants to chat then she can text me anytime .
Some of my friends think she is having a codependentt relationship what do you guys think ?
If she is having a codependent relationship how can I help her ?

She sees you as a friend and I doubt a romance is on her mind. She figures if it doesn't work with him, you will help her pick up the pieces, as a friend until she is ready to explore and experiment on her own. In the meantime you are so caught up in her stuff, helping her, that you neglect to explore and experiment on your own.

That's hardly a healthy way to move beyond losing the chance for romance with this girl. Friend zone is no fun when you are hoping for MORE!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She sees you as a friend and I doubt a romance is on her mind. She figures if it doesn't work with him, you will help her pick up the pieces, as a friend until she is ready to explore and experiment on her own. In the meantime you are so caught up in her stuff, helping her, that you neglect to explore and experiment on your own.

Thats hardly a healthy way to move beyond losing the chance for romance with this girl. Friend zone is no fun when you are hoping for MORE!

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One of things that did come up was about having a relationship and it is something that we both want she has said that she will do it when she feels safe to do so but in meantime I was on a date today and it went really well

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Originally Posted by jay11

If she is having a codependent relationship how can i help her ?

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You can't. She has to live her own life, make her own mistakes, and learn her own lessons.

You are enabling her behavior. This is becoming a dysfunctional triangle.

You need to get out of her life. Stay out of her life. Do not accept contact from her. Stop being part of her drama.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

You can't. She has to live her own life, make her own mistakes, and learn her own lessons.

You are enabling her behavior. This is becoming a dysfunctional triangle.

You need to get out of her life. Stay out of her life. Do not accept contact from her. Stop being part of her drama.

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Okay I'm trying to be supportive but I was in a date today which went well with someone else

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Originally Posted by jay11

Okay i'm trying to be supportive but i was in a date today which went well with someone else

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I am glad you went out on a date with someone else. I am even happier that it went well.

Something I want you to understand is that I am not against being supportive of a friend. However, sometimes to truly help someone we have to step back and remove ourselves from the mess.

It would be somewhat different if you were just friends or friendship was all you wanted. But you have discussed being in a relationship and supposedly feel a spark for each other. It is adding confusion which she doesn't need. I know she thinks she is dealing with her issues, but she isn't. She is adding another layer.

You may not be sitting by the phone waiting for her to contact you, but what would you do if she did call while you were out with someone else?

Take care of yourself and good luck.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am glad you went out on a date with someone else. I am even happier that it went well.

Something I want you to understand is that I am not against being supportive of a friend. However, sometimes to truly help someone we have to step back and remove ourselves from the mess.

It would be somewhat different if you were just friends or friendship was all you wanted. But you have discussed being in a relationship and supposedly feel a spark for each other. It is adding confusion which she doesn't need. I know she thinks she is dealing with her issues, but she isn't. She is adding another layer.

You may not be sitting by the phone waiting for her to contact you, but what would you do if she did call while you were out with someone else ?

Take care of yourself and good luck.

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I know it's a question I'm asking myself !
I've said to her if we are going to build in to a relationship then I've said that the ex must be completely out of the picture I said you are probbably going to need to talk to someone about this so any pointers on where she could go ? I also said I will come with her if she would like that !
I said to her she is moving in a week and you are probbaly busy with that but she said she would like to talk again maybe over coffee this time but nothing I've said why don't we sort all of this out properley once you've moved and settled in and just give me a call then but she is welcome to call me in the meantime !

If I'm honest I really did enjoy my date and it did get a little steamey too !
But I'm not laying my eggs in one basket though !