Hello, I have recently found and contacted my birth mother. She confirmed that she was my birth mother but needed time to process this since she had "kept me a secret for 40 years". She then responded the next day with a brief rundown of her medical history, ending with the statement that she did not want anymore contact with me. No information regarding my birth father. Needless to say I was heartbroken. It took 3 months to recover from this.

I searched online and found some answers on this site. One contributor suggested the philosophy "anyone is entitled to do what they want, up to, but not including, when what they want infringes on someone else's rights to do what they want". That makes sense to me and I will try and make my future decision based upon that. I have read birth mothers responses saying that they are only obligated to sharing medical records. Does this include birth fathers? Do I have a right to know who my biological father is? To know his medical history? Prostate cancer? CVA?

Birth mothers responding to me, please understand, I will not hassle this woman. What she did was pure selflessness, courage and heartbreak. I have decided to close this chapter in my life, but want to know if asking one more question on my birth father is overstepping my boundaries. Is it not the fathers right as well to know of me?

Thank you for your insight in this, I appreciate it.

Dave

I think it would be fair to request information on your birthfather from her. You should probably phrase it along the lines of "I understand that you wish to retain your privacy, and I respect that. I am also extremely grateful for the medical information. However, it is only half of my medical background. Would you please be kind enough to give me any information about my birthfather that you might have so that I can contact him for that information? I would appreciate your response and will not bother you further after this."

Obviously, use your own words, but you get the gist of my phrasing. Don't pressure her for more from HER, and assure her that you will not bother her further after your communication--whether or not she responds with information about your birthfather.

I'm sorry your reunion was not a joyful one, but greatly respect you for respecting your birthmother's wishes.

You might also try posting on reunion websites looking for a birthfather--Many do have ways to search for him. The problem, of course, is that not all biological fathers know that they ARE fathers.

Had you done the properly, contacting your mother through a third party, things may have gone differently. I'm also sorry you had to endure this trauma, but I'm afraid you probably went into this with an unrealistic expectation of a happy reunion.

But I agree that you are entitled to your father's info. But I suggest that you make that contact through a third party. A PI or attorney can contact your birthmother and give her a letter from you along the lines that Synnen suggested.

Keep in mind that chances are high that she knows nothing of his medical history, and it may be very painful to even think about him much less talk about him. That may be why she wants no contact with you - because he was an unwanted person in her life, and the sexual encounter was extremely brief, such as rape, or a man who turned out to be married, or a man who jilted her as soon as she got pregnant. How many young women get medical histories from their young men, even if it wasn't as awful as rape?
Before you write to her, look in your heart and ask yourself if his medical history is really what you need and want. If your needs are greater than hers.

Unless you were kept a secret from him your birth father's right to know you ended when he signed the adoption papers.

But everyone has given you very sound info - and I agree. Look into your heart.

I can only imagine your birth mother's shock when she heard from you, particularly is this has been a "secret" all this time. She is probably in anguish now, uncertain what to do.

No easy answer here.

Thank you for the response. I was actually thinking the responses would be to not contact her regarding my birthfather's information. After I submitted the question, I considered deleting it. I still will think about this some more. If when and if I do contact her, I will phrase it as you suggested. I am working with a Search Angel who has been a great source of info from the birthmothers perspective. She has gone through the adoption and reunion process and warned me prior to contacting my birthmother that not all birthmothers are receptive. She said she waited 2 months before responding to her sons request. Again, thanks for the response, I need to do some soul searching before I continue.

Your "Search Angel" should have warned you to make the initial contact through a 3rd party. And I would suggest to her, if she wants to act as a "Search Angel" in the future, that she advise doing so.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Keep in mind that chances are high that she knows nothing of his medical history, and it may be very painful to even think about him much less talk about him. That may be why she wants no contact with you - because he was an unwanted person in her life, and the sexual encounter was extremely brief, such as rape, or a man who turned out to be married, or a man who jilted her as soon as she got pregnant. How many young women get medical histories from their young men, even if it wasn't as awful as rape?
Before you write to her, look in your heart and ask yourself if his medical history is really what you need and want. If your needs are greater than hers.

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This has crossed my mind... I found it strange that she would want nothing to do with me unless there was some scandal surrounding my conception/birth. But I also know that birthmothers have many strong emotions when contacted by adoptee's which takes some time to work through, if they even can. As I noted in another response, I am questioning even asking for my birthfathers info. I need really think about this before I take my next step, if I take it. My worry is years from now, if I do not at least ask now, I will always be left with a "what if?". Thanks, DAve

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Your "Search Angel" should have warned you to make the initial contact through a 3rd party. And I would suggest to her, if she wants to act as a "Search Angel" in the future, that she advise doing so.

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"Had you done the properly, contacting your mother through a third party, things may have gone differently. I'm also sorry you had to endure this trauma, but I'm afraid you probably went into this with an unrealistic expectation of a happy reunion."

ScottGem, I know you think you may be helping but none of your responses have offered anything except negativity. Your only real answer was agreeing with another persons post. I am not asking people to point out what I did wrong, or criticize the one person that has been my ally in this or try to second guess my expectations. I just wanted a consensus from people if asking my birthmother for my birthfathers information would be crossing boundaries. The fact that you agree with Synnen's suggestion has been noted. Thanks for your input. Dave

An interesting reaction to my responses since I believe I am the person who's philosophy you quoted in your original post.

And, no that wasn't my only real answer. My agreement was with what Synnen suggested you say, but I suggested the contact be made through a 3rd party and I stand by that recommendation.

I'm not here to make you feel good about yourself, I'm here to provide the best advice I can to deal with the issue you raised. You don't have to agree with my advice (unless its based on facts) but once you post you open yourself to other people's opinions.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

An interesting reaction to my responses since I believe I am the person who's philosophy you quoted in your original post.

And, no that wasn't my only real answer. My agreement was with what Synnen suggested you say, but I suggested the contact be made through a 3rd party and I stand by that recommendation.

I'm not here to make you feel good about yourself, I'm here to provide the best advice I can to deal with the issue you raised. You don't have to agree with my advice (unless its based on facts) but once you post you open yourself to other people's opinions.

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Yes, I know I quoted your philosophy.. That's why I was surprised at your responses. I'm not asking your to make me feel good about myself? Just to not be a troll. This is Ask Me Help Desk and I asked a specific question. I did not ask for peoples opinion's on how I contacted the birthmother or ask who I worked with in my search. I asked if it was within my right to ask for my birthfather's name. All of your responses were not regarding my initial question except that you agreed with Synnen. I am new to this type for forum however, so maybe that's how these things work. Anyway, no use in beating a dead horse. Thanks for your input.

Regarding everyone else's responses. I have decided to not contact her. She has my contact info so if she wants to contact me she can. I figure she did all the work, I am guessing the bio-father was just a donor. Don't need to know him. I am moving on. It sucks that it ends here but that is her choice and I will respect that. I just had my first child/daughter 01/11/13! So I will spend all my energy on her. Finally a blood relative :) thanks again for the responses.

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Just to not be a troll. This is Ask Me Help Desk and I asked a specific question. I did not ask for peoples opinion's

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First, you should look up the definition of troll before you use it. Scott is not trolling, not even close.

Second, expert or not, all responses are based on fact and opinion. You can't have one without the other, unless your asking a question in a forum that's only factual (like math or science) or a forum that's only opinion (like relationships, or the paranormal). Even then, people don't always agree with the facts, or opinion. This forum is a bit of both, fact and opinion.

You asked an opinion based question, in an area that is somewhat fact based, but more so opinion, which is what you're going to get. It won't always be the same opinion as yours. As the poster, it's up to you to choose which advice, if any, you're going to take. We can't fix everything, we can only give you either the facts, or our opinion. You're the one that ultimately decides what you're going to do.

Make sense? Damn that was hard to write, so if it doesn't make sense, my bad. :(

My opinion is the same as Scott's. Get a third party to contact your birth mother, asking for information about your father for a medical background only.

Frankly, and this is entirely opinion, I think that children placed for adoption should be given the medical background of their birth parents from minute one. The birth parents can still choose to be anonymous, but medical background can be important. It's not something that should be kept anonymous. Providing that info wouldn't infringe on anyone's rights. No names need be included, just the medical background. Medical info is important, and knowing your medical background can make a huge difference in your own health.

Why this is so hard to obtain is beyond me. It should be a given. If it was, many birth parents that don't, for whatever reason, want contact with the children they placed for adoption, could avoid contact, and the children in question could have the info without all this runaround, and pain.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Frankly, and this is entirely opinion, I think that children placed for adoption should be given the medical background of their birth parents from minute one. The birth parents can still choose to be anonymous, but medical background can be important. It's not something that should be kept anonymous. Providing that info wouldn't infringe on anyone's rights. No names need be included, just the medical background. Medical info is important, and knowing your medical background can make a huge difference in your own health.

Why this is so hard to obtain is beyond me. It should be a given. If it was, many birth parents that don't, for whatever reason, want contact with the children they placed for adoption, could avoid contact, and the children in question could have the info without all this runaround, and pain.

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Just want to address this quick, though it's a little off topic (my apologies to the OP): Most adoptions these days REQUIRE medical information be given, open or closed. International adoptions, however, depend on the country the child is being adopted from, as some of those children are abandoned. Same with children given from Safe Haven adoptions--no medical information is retrieved, but at least the child was not dropped into a dumpster.

If at all possible medical information has been given as part of adoptions at LEAST since 1992 (when I placed my child).

However, in the dark ages of adoption (the 30s through the 80s), it wasn't KNOWN that medical situations are passed through genes, and that medical history could make a difference in a child's life. They didn't KNOW, so they didn't get the information.

For those closed adoptions (and remember, adoptions didn't really start opening up until the 90s), some states have set up a system that if an adoptee requests medical information through the state, the state will attempt to get the medical information from the birth parents without contact being made. This obviously doesn't work if the birth parents have left the state, but it's at least an attempt to help adoptees

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Just want to address this quick, though it's a little off topic (my apologies to the OP): Most adoptions these days REQUIRE medical information be given, open or closed. International adoptions, however, depend on the country the child is being adopted from, as some of those children are abandoned. Same with children given from Safe Haven adoptions--no medical information is retrieved, but at least the child was not dropped into a dumpster.

If at all possible medical information has been given as part of adoptions at LEAST since 1992 (when I placed my child).

However, in the dark ages of adoption (the 30s through the 80s), it wasn't KNOWN that medical situations are passed through genes, and that medical history could make a difference in a child's life. They didn't KNOW, so they didn't get the information.

For those closed adoptions (and remember, adoptions didn't really start opening up until the 90s), some states have set up a system that if an adoptee requests medical information through the state, the state will attempt to get the medical information from the birth parents without contact being made. This obviously doesn't work if the birth parents have left the state, but it's at least an attempt to help adoptees

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I wasn't aware of that. Glad to know that this is already done.

In that case, since the OP was adopted before these regulations where put in place, I do really think he has a right to that info. It's just a matter of how to go about getting it without hurting the people involved, and that includes him.

Just want to add 2 quick comments. First, this site is a bit different from other Q&A sites. We don't always restrict our responses to the specific question asked. When you post here you open yourself up to any comment pertinent to the issue.

Second, I know two people who gave a child up for adoption. Both went on to have successful lives. But both lived in fear of that "knock on the door". They had closed that chapter of their lives and didn't want it opened. So yes, I am very much against any adoptee attempting to directly contact a birth parent.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Just want to add 2 quick comments. First, this site is a bit different from other Q&A sites. We don't always restrict our responses to the specific question asked. When you post here you open yourself up to any comment pertinent to the issue.

Second, I know two people who gave a child up for adoption. Both went on to have successful lives. But both lived in fear of that "knock on the door". They had closed that chapter of their lives and didn't want it opened. So yes, I am very much against any adoptee attempting to directly contact a birth parent.

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I agree with Scott--the first contact shouldn't be direct, but through a 3rd party. As a birthmother, I know so many other birthmothers, and they are split right down the middle on wanting a reunion. Some dread it completely, some hope it will happen very much. It saves a lot of heartache on both sides if that original response does not happen directly.

I am not criticizing how the OP went about it--there is, unfortunately, no good script for searching and contacting yet. We'll get there, but right now, we're still writing the "right" way to do this. I do know, however, that people besides the OP will read this and I encourage them to do all contact through a 3rd party at first.

To the OP--I completely respect your decision to not contact your birthmother again. That takes a lot of courage to decide. Please check your state laws to see if you can access information about your birthfather through the state rather than through your birthmother.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

I agree with Scott--the first contact shouldn't be direct, but through a 3rd party. As a birthmother, I know so many other birthmothers, and they are split right down the middle on wanting a reunion. Some dread it completely, some hope it will happen very much. It saves a lot of heartache on both sides if that original response does not happen directly.

I am not criticizing how the OP went about it--there is, unfortunately, no good script for searching and contacting yet. We'll get there, but right now, we're still writing the "right" way to do this. I do know, however, that people besides the OP will read this and I encourage them to do all contact through a 3rd party at first.

To the OP--I completely respect your decision to not contact your birthmother again. That takes a lot of courage to decide. Please check your state laws to see if you can access information about your birthfather through the state rather than through your birthmother.

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now my turn to go off topic.. and ramble.

There is definitely no script to go on and most people have no idea how to approach this. I have read plenty of articles on birthmothers rights to privacy and considering their feelings and I wholeheartedly agree. Birthmother's have made huge sacrifices and have had to endure heartbreak, etc. I also feel that adoptee's rights and emotions should be considered in this as well. Human beings have this overwhelming curiosity to find their biological family, at least this human being does. Its primal, it's what makes us human and care for our young instead of eating them :) So, being given up for adoption and then shunned again when the birthmother is contacted is a very painful experience I would wish on no one. I did find an article that helps understand the emotions from the birthmothers perspective, maybe this will help other adoptee's that are going through the same situation as myself.

"birthMothers" Exploited By Adoption - For Adoptees

Unfortunately the only way I would get information regarding my birthfather would be through the bio mom. I have copies of my adoption paperwork and my original birth certificate and they only reference my bio mom. No data regarding my bio father. Also, there is a website, 23andme which is a DNA testing site where you can find out the probability of your surname. Don't think I will be doing that though, that's going a little too far in my opinion. But, as I indicated in an earlier post, I am done with it. I found my bio mom, I have seen a picture of her, I have a medical hx, I know g'dad was a pharmacist and great g'dad was a doctor and that there are no major medical concerns on my bio moms side of the family. That is enough for me. That's a lot more than some people ever learn. She does not want anymore contact and I will respect that. She has my contact info so if she changes her mind she can contact me. Although, I am fairly sure that this will not happen.

Thanks for the input, much appreciated.