Ask Me Help Desk - My best friend and I got together.

My best friend and I got together.

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up. He broke up with me. And I was broken, my best friend my close friend liked me for one and a half year. He never stopped trying. And we got together a week after my boyfriend broke up with me. He kind of convinced me to.

Now, after that, he keeps feeling that I’ll someday like him back too. Someday be able to get over my ex. But I need to be alone right now. And he understands that. But what should I do?

Should I stop talking to my friend? I don’t want to give him any hope. He still tells me how he feels about how he feels about me. But I need a break. I want to be alone... and he knows everything about how broken I was

I need to be alone. How do I not hurt my friend now? Help please

You tell him what you've told us - you have lots going on in your life right now and I agree. You don't need another relationship.

Tank you for understanding...
I must tell you,that this friend of mine seems to be turning into a psycho... I'm scared if I tell him he'll start hating me..

Is there any way I can subtly put my point across? Please I need help.I'm scared he'll talk behind my back... or maybe even say I'll thing about me.. we have common friends..

How old are the two of you?

You have thread after thread after thread about your problems with your "romantic" life. I think they should all be combined, and I think you need to see a therapist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You have thread after thread after thread about your problems with your "romantic" life. I think they should all be combined, and I think you need to see a therapist.

Yes I have problems... that's why I'm sharing it at ask me 'help desk right?

You need to just tell people what you think, and also stop jumping in bed with someone just because they are there. Your friend got the idea since you two "hooked up"

Quote:

Originally Posted by imblogqueen

Yes I have problems... that's why I'm sharing it at ask me 'help desk right?

Good answer!

I think you should be alone, and you really don't have to give any excuses. As another said, just be honest. Any relationship should have honesty, respectful, and caring, and willing to talk about anything.
Take a break, and don't feel bad about it. Live life, and stop being so concerned about everything. It will eventually all work out. I am 71 yrs old, and it took me some years to learn that! Good luck.

Sharing your problems with strangers on the Internet (and I obviously love AMHD or I wouldn't be here) and seeking professional help to get beyond what you feel like sharing and what is necessary for you to share are two different things.

You need to see a professional. One person here is a trained therapist (and I don't believe she's posted on this thread). She will be the first to tell you that live therapy is a lot different from on-line discussions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Sharing your problems with strangers on the Internet (and I obviously love AMHD or I wouldn't be here) and seeking professional help to get beyond what you feel like sharing and what is necessary for you to share are two different things.

You need to see a professional. One person here is a trained therapist (and I don't believe she's posted on this thread). She will be the first to tell you that live therapy is a lot different from on-line discussions.

I'm sorry Judy... I've read all your posts.. and your only suggestion from anyone's problem is therapy... maybe you've seen too many therapists in life or you are one yourself... stop telling people to see a therapist... make the most of this website... if you can't, then join another website where you can advertise for free... I'm sorry. Take care. Nothing personal

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You need to just tell people what you think, and also stop jumping in bed with someone just because they are there. Your friend got the idea since you two "hooked up"

I fully understand what you are saying fr chuck... thank you for sharing.

I know what I've done... and it doesn't feel right... so I want to know what I can do.. about it now... any way out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by fredg

I think you should be alone, and you really don't have to give any excuses. As another said, just be honest. Any relationship should have honesty, respectful, and caring, and willing to talk about anything.
Take a break, and don't feel bad about it. Live life, and stop being so concerned about everything. It will eventually all work out. I am 71 yrs old, and it took me some years to learn that! Good luck.

Thank you Fred... I respect your age..
Yes I will try and be honest with my friend... slowly

You've read all of my 43,000+ posts, and this is the conclusion you've reached? No, I've never been in therapy, but I would go if it were recommended to me.

Just out of curiosity, how many times have I suggesed therapy? I'm not going to read back to find out, but I would like to know.

I believe a therapist will repeat FrChuck's advice - don't jump into bed with people and you won't have the problems you've posted.

Do I understand this correctly -- because you are sleeping with this best friend (as a rebound and because he had sympathy for you), you are now afraid of him and what he might say to friends you two have in common, afraid he will begin to hate you if you ask him to back off and tell him no more sleeping together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by imblogqueen

I'm sorry Judy... I've read all your posts.. and your only suggestion from anyone's problem is therapy... maybe you've seen too many therapists in life or you are one yourself... stop telling people to see a therapist... make the most of this website... if you can't, then join another website where you can advertise for free... I'm sorry. Take care. Nothing personal

You can't take advice that might conflict with your world view. You're conceited and ignorant. You took the saying, "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another," to heart. I'm sorry. Nothing Personal.

I have been in therapy. I needed it to deal with some childhood issues. Doesn't help that I am borderline OCD and my brain likes to churn up things from the past to point out how completely screwed up I am and how much of a terrible person I am. They lie, but I know how to deal with them now.

So instead of concentrating on what we are suggesting, look at why we're suggesting it. You've admitted that your depressed, but I am not sure if the is "First world" Depressed, or actual depression. You got dumped in the most horrible way and your parents heap considerable amount of mental abuse on you. You won't move out until you're married. This creates a whole suite of problems. It is hard to talk to your friends without knowing for sure that they won't blab it out to the world.

Please tell me how:

Quote:

I(sic) fact even the long distance was so lovely, though he always threw his tantrums and sometimes abused me and said things like he couldn't be in a relationship. But he'll(sic) call me the following day and we'd talk for hours. But in slowly he stopped caring. He'd call me and I'd always be available, make myself available to talk to him. But, if I'd contact him... he wouldn't reply for days together.

Translates into:

Quote:

We were in a perfect relationship.

You've got a skewed love map. When people type and say things like "sometimes abuse me" There is something behind that. There is a reason why you wrote that down; even if you didn't think there was. There is nothing unimportant that is written or said. Especially when describing a traumatic situation.

I read through the three threads you've started, this one, the one about your mother, and the one about the break up. I have come up with several things of note. First off, you're young and this was probably your first serious relationship. You were a doormat. You just catered to him without the expectation of him returning the favour. He was a child too. He was on again off again. He shouldn't have been treating you like that. You shouldn't have accepted it. The first time he said, "We're not together." You should have said okay and never looked back. This is a power play on his part to keep your spirit down so that you'll accept all the sh!t that he will throw at you. You were complicit in this affair.

Nothing personal.

Have you ever noticed that people make personal attacks and say, "Nothing Personal." and expect that to absolve them of all that was said? It doesn't.

So now to this. You're broken. If that wasn't a reason enough to talk to a therapist, I don't know what is. You have a boy that you've friendzoned and is waiting for you so he can date you. You don't want to have anything to do with this boy but you f**ked him anyway, well got 'with' him whatever that means, but don't really want to be with him. You caved into his pestering like you did with your previous boyfriend.

Now we are getting into a pattern here.

What happens in therapy is that you sit down and talk to a therapist. You have a conversation with them. They will drive you to the places that need to be talked about. They'll help find answers to questions you never knew you had. They'll help you find balance.

So you're pretty screwed up emotionally right now. Talking to a therapist will help. You might realize what has gone wrong with your relationships with boys and the one with your parents. It would be a positive step forward in the healing process.

That is why we suggest it. We also aren't really qualified to handle a lot of the mental issues that come here. The main two reasons are that most of use are woefully under qualified for this and the second is that we can't get enough of 'you' to actually help you. The therapist is trained to catch signs and signals in speech and body language. Stuff you can't transmit over the interwebs. There is such a lack of information about you and your past that it would take years to get to the bottom of this where you would need one or two sessions with a therapist to get this done.

I am going to bet money that you won't read this in its entirety and that makes me sad. There is also, I would like to note, a difference between sadness and depression.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

What happens in therapy is that you sit down and talk to a therapist. You have a conversation with them. They will drive you to the places that need to be talked about. They'll help find answers to questions you never knew you had. They'll help you find balance.

Bingo! As a professional counselor, I know this is exactly why even therapists can do only so much online. They can kickstart someone into finding a real-life therapist and even get the conversation started as to what questions and issues the client might have, but it is only that real-life therapist sitting across from the client in a quiet room who can help the client be honestly introspective and set goals for the future.

Oh, and JudyKayTee is correct in her encouragement to you to spend time with a real-life therapist.

Powerful, powerful post - wow!

Greenie and applause.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Powerful, powerful post - wow!

Greenie and applause.

Craven's pretty cool, isn't he, with a golden pen (keyboard?). I've run out of greenies from sprinkling them on his posts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

You can't take advice that might conflict with your world view. You're conceited and ignorant. You took the saying, "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another," to heart. I'm sorry. Nothing Personal.[the remainder of the quote removed for space saving]

Firstly, thank you for being so honest. The thing is.. I had so much on my mind.. and I needed new perspective.. which I am getting from helpful people like you guys..
I don't know if I can see a therapist.. you know? It becomes a big deal, the place I stay in... anyway, I was only looking to share and ask for new perspective on this website
Thank you guys..
And yes that was a really powerful post..