I'm 30 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 2 years.

A month or so before we got together, he told me how when he was 19 he had a relationship with male professor. My boyfriend N spoke highly about the prof M at that time, and he never brought it up again. He said he told me that because it was an embarrassing secret that he wanted to share with me, because he was really serious about me.

From that that point on, I have brought up his sexuality into question on a number of occasions. He tells me that being an immigrant from a completely different society (he came here at 16, and kept moving every year from one city to the next) and unable to receive any attention from girls, he was lured in by the excessive kindness of M, and that M gave him the attention and recognition that he was otherwise starved of. His whole affair with M lasted 2 months, when my boyfriend abruptly ended it. They never had anal sex. (but they did have oral about 3 times)

Since then he has only had relationships with women, even when he was away for 3 years at college, but none of them lasted too long. I am the first long term relationship he's had. He loves me dearly, and cares for me. When we first met, he was immature in many ways, and didn't know how to treat women right. But now (at 29), he's a gentleman, and has all the qualities I would want in a man. We have an excellent sexual chemistry and a wonderful sex life.

But every time he even glances at a man I think I see a twinkle in his eye, and I wonder whether he is really gay, and just in deep denial. No one that knows him has this opinion, but I tell myself that they don't want to tell him that. Every time we talk about it, he reassures me that I am the only one he loves, and his sexuality can be affirmed by the porn he used to watch. All of it straight.

We're about to move in with each other, and I worry whether he's gay and will leave me for a man. What do you think?

I believe moving in with anyone you don't believe will be 100% faithful is a mistake you will live to regret.

I have no idea what kind of "twinkle in his eye" vibe you are getting - but the next time you see it, I'd ask him about it.

On one hand he was honest and told you about it. On the other hand you think he's bi-sexual or gay.

Ask him - you are both making a big step. I would be concerned if he were "twinkling" at other women!

I think you need to do a lot of reading about this subject, and that you are probably way off base. It could take all day to explain to you the spectrum of gender identity and sexual attraction and various ways we find love, with sex thrown in the bargain. In other words we all have the ability to adapt to situations, whether it's a concentration camp, a prison, a boys or girls school, a monastery - wherever we are put by circumstance.
He CONFIDED in you. That in itself is meaningful, because he chose to trust you. Trust is such a wonderful and important part of love. If you worry about him leaving you for a man (why not leave you for a woman?), then you aren't ready to move in together.
There is nothing wrong with telling him YOUR feelings. But don't keep asking him about his preferences. This is no longer about him, because he has stated his case, and you accept it or you don't. This is about YOUR doubt. You need to work on that.
Oh - and try to keep other people out of this bit about twinkles in his eyes!? What's with talking to others you both know? I thought he told only you.

Sexuality is a spectrum. It isn't solidly heterosexual or homosexual. What it sounds like form what I have read in your post is that he's straight with bisexual tendencies. You say you have a wonderful sex life and excellent sexual chemistry. Shouldn't that be enough to convince you?

When you're young many people often experiment to get a better handle of their sexual identity. As you can imagine, a person is often raised with a gender identity forced upon them; more often unintentionally. It is how society works and once a person gets out on their own then they can truly explore their own identity. So chances are that is what he was doing. He obviously didn't care for it because he ended it after two months.

I don't think you have anything to worry about here. If these concerns continue to nag at you than you need to talk to him and not us. That is the only way that you can get the entire picture.

I cannot comment on his sexuality, but he was honest about his youthful experiments and you probably run as much a risk of being left for a man as you would a woman. But his admission has made you afraid. The real question to ask will he cheat, and it doesn't matter with who does it? Or would you be less hurt if he left you for a woman?

If that was his only encounter in some 10/15 years then that's a strong point in your favor but if you have doubts, don't move in since you know his character better than any one. Gay, bi, or straight, loyalty is about his character. Not sexuality. He could be BI, and loyal to you.

Since he was honest, you be honest too, if you cannot over come your own fear and take a risk or trust him, say so.

It seems that if he were a "latent" homosexual, afraid of the truth or avoiding it, he would not have had this homosexual relationship at 19, and would not have told you about it. It seems that he is, as others said, somewhere in the middle of the spectrum with some bisexual tendencies. For some people, what starts as bisexual tendencies develops into a gay lifestyle and a change in sexual identity to homosexuality. For others, they find a person they love and sexual preference takes a back seat to this specific person. You can only know where he's at with you by being together over time, based on his behavior in the relationship.

I would not move in with him when you have such significant questions. I would view the fact of his honesty as a sign that he's saying to himself, "I love this girl - I'm going to trust her with this potentially embarassing secret so there are no secrets between us". He doesn't want anything to erode your relationship, or for you to find out about this another way and be hurt or upset by it.

A gay or bisexual person, in my view, is only more likely than others to cheat if they are living their true sexuality as a secret. For example, a man might marry because society expects him to, but may actually identify as gay and live that life secretly. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to need to lie about his sexual history or hide it. It seems he's strong enough of character that if he preferred a gay life, he'd simply live a gay life.

Another factor to consider is that while he was an adult, he sounds like he didn't have much confidence or sexual experience and didn't have a lot of people to rely on. A professor is in a position of power and influence, and intended or not, there could have been some real emotional manipulation going on.

He's at least bi... maybe not actually gay, straight guys don't have gay affairs.

If he's going to cheat... then something wasn't really all that strong in the relationship to begin with.

Gay, straight or bi... has absolutely nothing at all to do with it. Being a guy doesn't either because at least as many women do it too.

Before you make the step of moving in together... you really want to be sure of a lot of things.

You worry that he will leave you for a man if he is gay... yet there is no fear of him leaving you for a woman if he is straight. This seems a little one-sided to me... don't you think so?

You're basically saying that if he's gay then it's almost certain that he would be a cheater and would leave you. If he's straight, then certainly he can be trusted. Makes no sense.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

You worry that he will leave you for a man if he is gay....yet there is no fear of him leaving you for a woman if he is straight. This seems a little one-sided to me....don't you think so?

You're basically saying that if he's gay then it's almost certain that he would be a cheater and would leave you. If he's straight, then certainly he can be trusted. Makes no sense.

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Kind of apples and oranges in my opinion. She is afraid that she won't be able to provide what a man would be able to in a relationship. She's afraid that if he is still questioning than he might leave her because he wants a man and not a woman. As there is, at least in her mind, a higher probability of him leaving her for man rather than another woman.

It makes sense in my mind at least and I know I am poor at bridging the gap between what I think and how it is on paper.

It seems, if the man is on the fence than there is a higher chance he will leave her. Makes one more reluctant to invest a large amount into the relationship.

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LocoDice (1 Posts) Asked Today, 01:29 PM

I'm 30 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 2 years.

A month or so before we got together, he told me how when he was 19 he had a relationship with male professor. My boyfriend N spoke highly about the prof M at that time, and he never brought it up again. He said he told me that because it was an embarrassing secret that he wanted to share with me, because he was really serious about me.

From that that point on, I have brought up his sexuality into question on a number of occasions. He tells me that being an immigrant from a completely different society (he came here at 16, and kept moving every year from one city to the next) and unable to receive any attention from girls, he was lured in by the excessive kindness of M, and that M gave him the attention and recognition that he was otherwise starved of. His whole affair with M lasted 2 months, when my boyfriend abruptly ended it. They never had anal sex. (but they did have oral about 3 times)

Since then he has only had relationships with women, even when he was away for 3 years at college, but none of them lasted too long. I am the first long term relationship he's had. He loves me dearly, and cares for me. When we first met, he was immature in many ways, and didn't know how to treat women right. But now (at 29), he's a gentleman, and has all the qualities i would want in a man. We have an excellent sexual chemistry and a wonderful sex life.

But every time he even glances at a man i think i see a twinkle in his eye, and i wonder whether he is really gay, and just in deep denial. No one that knows him has this opinion, but I tell myself that they don't want to tell him that. Every time we talk about it, he reassures me that I am the only one he loves, and his sexuality can be affirmed by the porn he used to watch. All of it straight.

We're about to move in with each other, and I worry whether he's gay and will leave me for a man. What do you think?

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This may seem harsh to you.

For approximately two years, you have been questioning his sexuality. You have trained him to be the boyfriend that you want him to be. He has apparently done everything in his power to reassure you that you are the one he wants to be with. He can't do any more to help you feel secure. If, in the past two years, he hasn't been able to convince you of his feelings, then it doesn't matter what I say about his sexuality. You already have your mind set on what you believe.

This is your issue and you have not been taking care of it. You have been making it his problem and for some reason he has let you. Either let him go or look into counseling if you can't move forward on your own.

Why do you want to move in with him? Why are you with him? He may love you, but how do you really feel about him? You don't trust him, or do you? Are you afraid to trust him as much as he seems to trust you? Are you looking for someone to give you a reason to walk away?

He changed from an 'immature' male into a 'gentleman' to be with you. What have you let go/done to show yourself he is the man you want to live with?

Everyone already gave you great answers, so I'll keep it short.

If you say your sexual chemistry and sex life is great, then he isn't gay for sure. Unless he's thinking about guys every time you do something with him, but I am willing to bet my life that it isn't the case.

He might be bisexual, or he might be straight. Sexual orientation doesn't matter, a bisexual man doesn't have greater odds to cheat than a straight man. If you trust your boyfriend, that should be enough. But you clearly don't trust him, and he shouldn't have to be questioned about his sexual orientation for over two years. Be thankful for what you've got.

"If you say your sexual chemistry and sex life is great, then he isn't gay for sure. Unless he's thinking about guys every time you do something with him, but I am willing to bet my life that it isn't the case. "

I disagree - I'm an investigator, work matrimonial cases fairly consistently. I find plenty of women with satisfactory sex lives who think their partner is cheating... and I find out that he's cheating with another man. Apparently gay guys who are looking to stay underground hide themselves behind active sex lives.

Thank you all for your answers.

I'm pretty confident that he IS NOT cheating on me with anyone, male or female. I also know that there isn't anything about his person/his demeanor/his mannerisms which are in the least bit effeminate.

I should like to add that I myself come from a divorced family, and the divorce happened when I was 8. Until that time, I had the happiest childhood, and I knew my parents loved each other, so when the divorce happened, I was utterly shattered.

I do think that the trauma of divorce has caused me to have episodes of anxiety whenever I think something is too good to be true (which is what I feel in my boyfriend's case) and my worry about his sexuality is just a manifestation of this anxiety.

He and I have talked about it and he assures me that he understands where my worry stems from, but we're both responsible for dealing with these episodes.

Whether that single 2 month affair in his 29 years of being alive makes him bisexual, I don't know, and I don't think so. What I do know is that he loves me and makes me feel special, (even in such a way that I fail to notice it at times), and I'm confident that he's committed to me. I am committed too, and because I have so much invested in him, my inner worry surfaces occasionally, and causes me to have my doubts.

However, I know that my doubts can and do get superseded by the reality between him and me. Your insights emphasize the point that this is something that's only in my head for reasons I explained above, and because I want it to work out with him, I (with his help) will address this fear of mine. Thank you all.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

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I disagree - I'm an investigator, work matrimonial cases fairly consistently. I find plenty of women with satisfactory sex lives who think their partner is cheating ... and I find out that he's cheating with another man. Apparently gay guys who are looking to stay underground hide themselves behind active sex lives.

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Hmmm that's interesting. But do you think those guys are gay and faking it, or bi sexual?

I once had a friend.. who when I met was gay... he had gay written all over him. He was so sweet we were pretty close in college. He dated men and also spoke openly about his sex life. He was very openly gay.

We graduated. I hear from him after two years... and guess what... he's in a serious relationship with a girl, Natasha.

I'd say, just accept his past. Ask him to assure you.. although I don't think you should move in with him if you have such strong feelings about his sexuality.

If you can accept that he had a different view on sexuality in his past, then that will really help your relationship..
Or else, I feel this thought is never going to leave your brain

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Originally Posted by LocoDice

I should like to add that I myself come from a divorced family, and the divorce happened when i was 8. Until that time, i had the happiest childhood, and i knew my parents loved each other, so when the divorce happened, i was utterly shattered.

I do think that the trauma of divorce has caused me to have episodes of anxiety whenever I think something is too good to be true (which is what i feel in my boyfriend's case) and my worry about his sexuality is just a manifestation of this anxiety.

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Trusting yourself is sometimes harder than trusting someone else. I know the trust issues that parents divorcing can leave behind. I also know that when you finally let someone past the defensive barriers the feeling of love and trust is overwhelming.

If you feel like your past is interfering with your present, think about finding a counselor who can guide you through letting the insecurity go. I think you have a good man who will support you as you heal, however, all he should do is give support. This is something you need to work through on your own.

I think you are strong enough now to work through the past and allow yourself to let it go. Good luck.

Harshness Warning (I've seen that before I wanted to say it at least once)

Break up with him and give him his freedom. Nothing he has done for you is ever good enough so let him be free. He confided in you and wow what a mistake that turned out to be. He was a boy when the gay relationship happened. He is now a man and he is acting like a man - not that gay people don't act like men. And note - he probably can tell if there is a good looking man walking by. So what, it's not hurting you.

Let him move on with his life with someone who will appreciate what he does for a relationship.