I have a daughter. She is 10 y.o. now. She hates my husband. When she was 5y.o. he did beat her for been capricious. Her buttocks were blue for 1 week. When I realized this I told my husband "Never do this again".

And he never did. But he did never become a real father for her. He speaks to her only when he needs to make a reprimand. My daughter is blaming me now for not going to police or divorcing him 5 years ago.

My mother told me that my daughter is suffering very much that she has no a real father who would really love her. My mother is afraid that she can run from home or attempt suicide. I do not think so. We live in a good house. I love her and she knows it. She is playing piano and viola very good. She is an advanced student. We have a big yard and two lovely dogs. She has good meal and good clothes.A lot of children have no father. A lot of children have no even food.

I cannot understand why she is so unhappy. Maybe she is spoiled ? Before I married my husband she was a center of the Universe. After I married my husband I paid too much attention to him. It is appeared that he had a cancer but did not tell me before marriage. It looks like he is good now, he is only suffering from side affects of chemotherapy. My daughter asking me to go away from my husband, to return to live to my parents. But I have no job. I shall not be able to give her a good education if leave my husband.

She is certainly not spoiled. She is an abused child. Your husband's behavior constitutes battery and child abuse. Your behavior constitutes abuse and neglect as well because you have forced your child to continue living in this atmosphere and you did not report it nor remove her from a known danger. So he stopped the physical abuse and launched into emotional abuse. You are subjecting your child to this because you want to be married at all costs, no matter how it affects your child.

Your mother and daughter are right. You should have left this guy a long time ago and you still should. If you don't want to leave him, let your daughter leave him. Send her to live with her grandmother or her own father. She deserves to live in a home without the anxiety of someone who barely speaks to her - who's standard is that he either be allowed to beat her to a pulp without correction or ignore her. You describe this lovely home. It's not lovely for your daughter - she's living in a nightmare. You are making allowances for your husband you shouldn't make and are glossing over your daughter's needs. You've got it backwards - this child has a far more mature sense of the reality of the situation than her mother. Her grandmother understands, so let her go live there. Then visit your daughter without your husband - remove him from your daughter's life completely.

What does your mother tell your daughter when they talk? What has your mother suggested to YOU when she talks to YOU of these things?

The word "beat" should never be used with discipline. The action of beating should never be used with discipline. And really what 5 year old deserves to be beaten. Answer is - no 5 year old or child deserves that.

The emotional abuse is clear and the effects of that will show at some point. You have a very short window to make things better. Either he fixes himself and stops the emotional abuse or you need to lose him.

I see a lot of justification where failure to protect this child from a physically and emotionally abusive man is concerned.

The "Well, she has lovely clothes and food so it doesn't matter if she's emotionally abused and/or ignored on a daily basis" argument to be, at best, flawed.

He beat the child until she was bruised for a week and you did nothing?

I'm surprised your mother doesn't step in and protect this child.

Of course, if the child isn't in the house maybe he'll turn on you and we can find out if lovely clothes and plenty of food make up for being abused.

I do not know what my mother tells to my daughter. My mother suggested to me to be more kind, more attentive to her, never leave her alone. She is telling me that my daughter is in a very sensitive age. My parents told me that I must hug her very often, tell her several times a day that I love her. And I am doing all this.

Your daughter was abused by your husband. Your daughter talks to your mother. Your mother told you to never leave her alone and you never asked why?

You are being foolish, very foolish indeed. Your child is going to grow up to hate you IF she is being abused mentally and/or physically and you are doing nothing out of some sense of loyalty or love or survival.

Your child is already angry with you for not reporting her physical mistreatment and you justify that by saying that she plays piano and viola? I guess she doesn't think the clothes, big yard and "lovely dogs" are worth the cost of being ignored and/or mistreated - and being ignored is mentally abusing her.

If one of my (step) sons-in-law mistreated one of my (step) grandchildren this would have been over long before this and that child would be safe.

You are sacrificing your daughter in order to hold onto this man. Why? He lied to you, you admit that. He beat your daughter - your word.

And your big concern is whether you should leave him?

She is not spoiled, she is just trying to reach out to you and make you realize the truth.
Do you really love your husband, or are you with him only to provide your daughter with a good way of living? Ask yourself this question and then reconsider the situation.
Your daughter feels insecure, because "she knows you love her" and yet, you let the man who beat her up live with you and you even rely on him. Talk to her, let her understand that you care, ask her about her feelings. And also put yourself in her shoes, would you be happy and feel loved if you had anything you wanted, but not a single drop of support from your own mother?
To me, if you want your daughter to have a descent childhood , you'd find a job, you'd find a way to fulfill her dreams without the help of this man. Remember, once a man hits you, he will hit again, and again.

Even if she looks at the situation and decides she loves him madly she is sacrificing her daughter for that love.

Otherwise - absolutely great comments!

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

She is certainly not spoiled. She is an abused child. Your husband's behavior constitutes battery and child abuse. Your behavior constitutes abuse and neglect as well because you have forced your child to continue living in this atmosphere and you did not report it nor remove her from a known danger. So he stopped the physical abuse and launched into emotional abuse. You are subjecting your child to this because you want to be married at all costs, no matter how it affects your child.

Your mother and daughter are right. You should have left this guy a long time ago and you still should. If you don't want to leave him, let your daughter leave him. Send her to live with her grandmother or her own father. She deserves to live in a home without the anxiety of someone who barely speaks to her - who's standard is that he either be allowed to beat her to a pulp without correction or ignore her. You describe this lovely home. It's not lovely for your daughter - she's living in a nightmare. You are making allowances for your husband you shouldn't make and are glossing over your daughter's needs. You've got it backwards - this child has a far more mature sense of the reality of the situation than her mother. Her grandmother understands, so let her go live there. Then visit your daughter without your husband - remove him from your daughter's life completely.

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I cannot send her to my parents - we live in US and they live in Ukraine.
I cannot send her to her biological father - he is an alcoholic, has no home, no work, and lives in Russia. She has nobody in US - only me. And if we go away - we shall be homeless, she will not have a chance to play piano or viola - so her future as a musician will be canceled. Her music teachers said that she is very talented. Last year she took part in the International piano competition. I do not know what to do. I am sitting and thinking. Thank you for answer.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Your daughter was abused by your husband. Your daughter talks to your mother. Your mother told you to never leave her alone and you never asked why?

You are being foolish, very foolish indeed. Your child is going to grow up to hate you IF she is being abused mentally and/or physically and you are doing nothing out of some sense of loyalty or love or survival.

Your child is already angry with you for not reporting her physical mistreatment and you justify that by saying that she plays piano and viola? I guess she doesn't think the clothes, big yard and "lovely dogs" are worth the cost of being ignored and/or mistreated - and being ignored is mentally abusing her.

If one of my (step) sons-in-law mistreated one of my (step) grandchildren this would have been over long before this and that child would be safe.

You are sacrificing your daughter in order to hold onto this man. Why? He lied to you, you admit that. He beat your daughter - your word.

And your big concern is whether you should leave him?

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I know why my mother is so worried. Because my daughter is writing a book "20 days to live." A lot of authors have scary names of their books and all of them still alive. And I know what is her book about - it is about women who has cancer at 4th stage - nothing suicidal .

She will grow up and follow your example - marry an abusive man who will abuse her children.

You are pathetic.

I'm done with this thread. You don't want help for yourself or, more importantly, your daughter.

Well, there are many charities that will provide scholarships for gifted musicians. For example, in Chicago is the Merit School of Music which is free for students. There are resources like this all around the country. There are also many performing arts schools, and when your daughter is high school age, she can audition for one and get her instruction for free. Then she can probably get a scholarship for college as well.

There are also many good private schools that provide need-based scholarships for low income students. So if your child is in a private school, ask about scholarship funding. If not, a public education is better than living in hell any day.

There are also many good programs to help single mothers. If your daughter is a minor and you have no income, you can qualify for public aid until you get on your feet. You can also get spousal maintenance if you divorce your spouse since he has been supporting you.

Money issues can be solved. You don't have to choose between the wrong man and poverty. You can leave and go to a battered woman's shelter - the abuse of your daughter will probably be adequate for them to accept both you and your daughter. They can help you sort out the rest of your financial needs. You can get a job - if you have no skills, you can acquire some in the shelter. There are organizations to teach you how to use a computer free, go back to school free, get business clothes free, get counseling free and more. The whole point is to prevent women like you from being financially held hostage by an abusive man.

I'm sure your daughter would sooner live in a small rented apartment, attend public school and live in peace than stay in a gilded prison where she's in fear of a terrifying man. Your job is to find the resources to do the right thing. It sounds like you're only with this man for financial support, so it's not a good situation for you, either.

Do what you have to do or you are going to find yourself with an adult daughter one day, who wants nothing to do with you and blames you for not protecting her and giving her things that don't matter instead of what she really needs - psychological and physical safety.