Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriends Porn Habit

I recently realized my boyfriend looks up internet porn almost daily. He is a very sexual man and our sex life is AMAZING. We are crazy in love with each other and I know he means it.

I made the mistake of going through his phone one night and found video clips of porn (women pleasing men). I didn't say anything, but it hurt me. A week later he showed me a video he recorded on his phone & when he realized I caught a glimpse of the porn videos, he pulled his phone away. I expressed how it made me feel and he thought I was being ridiculous, but offered to delete them and never have that again as he now knows it made me uncomfortable. His choice, not mine.

A month goes by and I had let it go until I listened to the devil on my shoulder.. I went through his phone.. No porn downloaded in his gallery. Checked his internet history and found so many porn websites! Websites he had been on within the past 7 days. I was crushed. Today, I was taking a nap and my boyfriend apparently thought I was passed out & hung out in the bathroom. Curiosity kicked in and when it was his turn to nap, I checked his browser history for today and yet again he was looking at porn while I was sleeping.

I haven't brought this up to him as I'm afraid to come off as a crazy girlfriend. Now here is my question-

Why do boyfriends watch porn when they have a GREAT sex life with their girlfriends?

I wish I was comfortable with his habit, but I don't even understand why men love porn. Boyfriend tried explaining before that men are very visual & masturbate.

It makes me uncomfortable because I fear he may wish I looked like the women he sees. Bigger, perkier breasts (mine are tiny).. skinnier (I'm petite, but have extra meat on my bones-not overweight) sexier, prettier.. I fear he wished I was doing stuff the girls are doing (even though I am pretty sexual & naughty in bed). Okay, yes, I'm insecure. So how do I learn to believe him that he loves me even though I don't look like the porn stars?

What also bothers me-

He also searches big breasted women and "perfect tits" etc. He's looking at naked women by themselves.

He seems to look @ porn ALL THE TIME when I'm not around (according to his browser history!

I'm afraid men who love porn, and who are very sexual like my boyfriend will end up cheating if he hasn't already. I trust him, but sometimes my devil sitting on my shoulder puts bad thoughts in my head.

Browser history had "live sex chat" "mobile erotic dating"... is that cheating?

Please help me understand, accept, and believe. Thank you.

First off... is there anything you won't stoop to doing? Are you going to go through his pockets and sniff his underwear to see if you can smell someone else on them?

He's an adult... its his decision what he watches or doesn't watch... just like its not his business to tell you what you can watch or read... and what you can and can't wear... thats a two way street. Being an adult means you make your own decisions. Not mommy and daddy.

If you have self esteme issues... you have to deal with them... its not anyone else's responsibility to make sure you never have to face them. Most women don't have this problem... and it won't go away by avoiding facing it. And there is NOTHING anyone else can do that would make it go away... YOU have to face it and deal with it... usually with the assistance of a therapist. Doing so will improve your life dramatically. Pretending its someone else's fault only means its never going to be cured.

Personally... I would have sent anyone snooping through my stuff packing... he might too.

It's a SERIOUS violation of his rights and his personal space... just like if he was going thorough all your stuff when you wasn't around (and reading your diary if you have one) would be. And is exceptionally offensive.

I'm assuming you are pretty young... because most women (and men too) learn this lesson fairly early on by their mid-20's. Those that don't usually end up divorced eventually.

I've been married over 20 years... I don't go rooting through her purse... I don't go snooping around her computer... I don't nose arounbd her phone... and she'd be as upset as I would be if either of us did.

Now with that part said... its clear you don't know how the Internet works very well and even less about malicious HTML code where just going to one site can hijack your browser, forcing other webistes to open in other windopws without having to do anything else... its not limited to porn sites... but a lot of them are because some collect money from advertisers on a per visit basis and what better way to get visiters than to automatically direct them to your sites.

Meaning... there is a good likelihood you are accusing him of stuff he never did.

Please tell him you did this so he can move on to someone that respects him and his personal space sooner.

Everyone is ENTITLED to their own personal space (married or not)... its important to people to not have it violated... And girlfriends have even less right to be dictating this sort of thing than a wife has... and everything I said above applies to wives.

Its not too late yet... it helps you keep your perspective by imagining yourself being the target of an insanely jealous person... and if you ever have been, this would make a LOT more sense. Because jealousy is NOT an endearing attribute for any person to have. Man or woman. It only proves they are very insecure people. You don't give up your individuality or your rights when you get married... you certainly don't when you are just dating.

SO... think next time before you do something... imagine someone else doing the very same thing to you. Does wonders at helping you see many mistakes before you make them.

Incidentally... what is cheating? First it depends on your situation... If you are married... you have the right to assume fidelity. if you are engaded to be married, you do as well, just not as much... but if you are dating... each of you has every right to go with whoever you want... therefor it can't be cheating.

If you want exclusivity.. get engaged or married...

Looking at someone waling by isn't cheating... looking at a picture or a video isn't cheating... otherwise you would be every time you watch a chick flick with an actor you find attractive.

Just like you haven't test driven a car until you've gotten in and taken it for a spin around the block.

His watching porn has nothing to do with you, he is not cheating and men who watch porn will most likely be less likely to cheat since they have their online enjoyment, not real life.

He has the right to do it, his only issue was lying to you, But most likey he did it just to shut you up since you don't seem to be rational about this.

But you can either accept it, or make him ( or any future boyfriend since you will chase this one away like this) hide it. Is it not better to allow him to be honest about it, perhaps take time and watch it with him.

And yes he has a right to some personal space and personal time. Your actions will just chase him away

As smoothy addressed, the live sex chat is something that can pop up on it's own when he's looking at porn. He doesn't have to actively search for it to be in his history. Whether he's using it when it opens, who knows. But, I would bet it's just opening on its own when he's looking at other porn.

I would also agree that the snooping is not good. Finding all of this other porn is not going to make you feel better and is also going to erode any trust that he has in you and you in him. I assume that you would not be happy with him searching in your internet history and phone?

As for the lie, my guess is he did that for a couple of reasons. He wanted to make you feel better and/or get you to quit making him feel guilty about the porn without having to actually give it up. Depending on how much you pressured him (from your post it doesn't seem like you pushed him that hard into making the promise) you might address why he felt the need to lie. Some of these reasons are obvious, but it's still worth discussing. Personally, I think it would be better to tell a hurtful truth and maintain trust than to destroy trust over something that is 'trivial.' I think if someone truly believes that porn is not something to be ashamed of (which seems to be the consensus) then he/she should have the courage to say "I don't care what you think/feel, I'm not giving it up." This is essentially what results when a person lies, minus the standing up for what you believe in. However, like I said, he probably had multiple motivations for the lie that involved both sparing your feelings and enabling him to go the easier route.

Another issue in your post is the frequency that he looks at it/uses it. Daily, particularly if each session is long, might be cause for concern. Then again, what is the standard for a 'normal' habit? I think as long as you are generally sexually satisfied and he is not choosing porn over sex, that you shouldn't worry.

Regarding any issues of self esteem… did you feel uncomfortable with your body before the porn? If not, why let it bother you now. A woman in the flesh should trump a woman on a screen any day. And, if a live woman doesn't, then there's something wrong with him, not you.

Ultimately, however, it is up to you what you want your relationship to be. If porn is not something you want in your intimate relationships, then try to find someone else. Be prepared though, the man who doesn't use porn today is rare.

Quote:

Originally Posted by backpack2389

Regarding any issues of self esteem… did you feel uncomfortable with your body before the porn? If not, why let it bother you now. A woman in the flesh should trump a woman on a screen any day. And, if a live woman doesn’t, then there’s something wrong with him, not you.

Complete agreement with this... wish I had said that myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by backpack2389

A woman in the flesh should trump a woman on a screen any day. And, if a live woman doesn’t, then there’s something wrong with him, not you.

Backpack, I need some clarification for the part I quoted of your post. Are you saying he should be using his girlfriend instead of porn when all he wants is a quick release? I agree with the rest of your well-written post.

Sugar, there is a big difference between 'getting off' and 'making love'. Porn and masturbation are about a quick release without having to put very much energy into it. 'Making love' is about sharing the experience and making it 'amazing' and 'great' for both partners. One comparison is the difference between eating a bag of chips and a gourmet dinner. One is a quick snack, the other is a lasting experience. You are the gourmet dinner. Why would you want to turn yourself into a snack?

I am not certain there was a lie. Did he say he would stop looking at porn or stop downloading it where you might accidentally come across it? Looking at it on-line is different from downloading.

Stop comparing yourself to other women. Whether it is an actress in a movie/video, the woman next door, or the waitress at his favorite restaurant doesn't matter, he is not with them. He is with you. He chooses to be with you just like you choose to be with him. Should he be concerned that you might leave him for your favorite actor?

Do you masturbate or do you expect him to satisfy all your needs?

[QUOTE=Cat1864;3393309]backpack, I need some clarification for the part I quoted of your post. Are you saying he should be using his girlfriend instead of porn when all he wants is a quick release? I agree with the rest of your well-written post.

In making that statement I was addressing her self-image. Those women are on the screen, not in the room. Basically, that she shouldn't worry about comparing herself to images on a computer because the fact that she is physically there with him should make her infinitely more desirable.

Another way perhaps to think about it is that the women in porn are idealized, hyper-sexualized objects, basically, and they have to be this way in order to be sexually arousing... because they are only images. A real person is multidimensional and is in many ways more arousing and sexually appealing than an image or video.

For the last part... If it ever gets to the point that he does prefer the computer over her, then there's a problem, but it's not with the way she looks or with her sexuality, it's entirely with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by backpack2389

In making that statement I was addressing her self-image. Those women are on the screen, not in the room. Basically, that she shouldn't worry about comparing herself to images on a computer because the fact that she is physically there with him should make her infinitely more desirable.

Another way perhaps to think about it is that the women in porn are idealized, hyper-sexualized objects, basically, and they have to be this way in order to be sexually arousing... because they are only images. A real person is multidimensional and is in many ways more arousing and sexually appealing than an image or video.

For the last part.... If it ever gets to the point that he does prefer the computer over her, then there's a problem, but it's not with the way she looks or with her sexuality, it's entirely with him.

Thanks for the clarification and I agree. The only thing I will add is that all characters in porn (and the broader category of erotica) are idealized, hyper-sexualized objects. It isn't only the female characters that tend to be unrealistic. Of course that is an issue in any genre.

Lesson to learn and hold on to is separating reality from fantasy.

I see insecurities here which manifest themselves in spying - Smoothy makes a good point. After checking phones and ipods and computers, what's next?

And then my answer is always the same - if you live with someone and don't know why he does something, how would we? Ask him!

Quote:

I recently realized my boyfriend looks up internet porn almost daily. He is a very sexual man and our sex life is AMAZING. We are crazy in love with each other and I know he means it.

This is what popped out at me first. Your sex life is amazing. You're crazy in love with each other.

Why do you care about the porn then?

Quote:

It makes me uncomfortable because I fear he may wish I looked like the women he sees. Bigger, perkier breasts (mine are tiny).. skinnier (I'm petite, but have extra meat on my bones-not overweight) sexier, prettier.. I fear he wished I was doing stuff the girls are doing (even though I am pretty sexual & naughty in bed). Okay, yes, I'm insecure. So how do I learn to believe him that he loves me even though I don't look like the porn stars?

You're insecure with self-esteem/image issue. Gotcha. How is this his issue? This is an extension of the mass media and it has the same problems. Don't believe what you see online because most of it is shopped in one way or another. I saw last night a woman who already had chubby thighs have her booty photo-shopped to almost epic proportions. She already had a nice and then it was like "Bongo Booty!". It's all smoke and mirrors and you're falling into that trap.

So, let's revisit the first paragraph. "Our sex life is AMAZING." How does that correlate with "I fear he may wish I looked like the pornstars?" What does that say? He loves you, loves the way you look, and loves laying you like brick wall. This is despite all the imperfections you see when you look in the mirror. He loves you just the way you are.

These are your insecurities and it would actually do him worse if he bowed down to them. This is your problem.

When this horrible beast rears its head, remember he is with you and he loves you. You can see the adoration in his eyes when he looks at you. Given the chance of you and a porn star... he would chose you. I know this because I would do the same for my wife. It's the difference between fantasy and reality. The porn is that seed of fantasy that just gets us hard so we can pleasure ourselves. A private moment to ourselves.

Also. I am a programmer and I remember a few years back I was talking with the then manager of IT. A lot of the speed that you get from your browser is that it preloads pages so that when you click on them they're already there. This shows up in the history and logs even if he didn't click on them. This conversation happened six years ago, with the amount of put ups, behinds, ins, and the like, you can be on a legitimate site and have all sorts of crap load. Take that information with a grain of salt.

Also, quit snooping. Smoothy covered it well, but I need to reiterate it once more. Stop it. Trust your mate. Without trust there can be no love.