Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

I have an affair with a girl from this last December 12. We have a great bonding with each other. We understand each other well. Actually, we got the things from each other what we needs. We also have physical relationship, intimate once. She had a relationship in past as she told that.

Now when my friends know about our relationship they are opposing it, they are telling that she had many affair with many guys in past, they had seen her with many guys in past. They also are telling that she had physical relationship with guys.
But as I was clear about it before from her that she had no physical intimacy with anyone before. Now I'm getting confused, is she telling lie to me? How to check that?

But what I feel is that I never feel that she is giving me wrong information about her. Please suggest. I'm confused not because only my friends are telling, but they are very close friend of mine. And they are telling she could make many relationships in future.

Give it some more time, and maybe you will find out who is telling the truth. Your best friends shouldn't be lying to you, if you know them well. I would give it some more time, and see if you can learn anything new from her.

You either trust her or you don't, plus what she did in the past does not matter, you have already been with her, Where you with anyone in the past ? If you leave her, now you have.

Its none of your business, or your friends, what she has done before, or will do after you. And how would your friends know of her intimacies in the first place. Sounds like jealous gossip. Focus on what the two of you do together and not on the gossip of friends who may not even know of what they speak.

I mean who are you dating, them, or her? Its only been a few months, and more to learn so enjoy the learning no matter what it is. Then you won't have to be confused by your friends being in your business. And why is it okay for her to have an affair and be intimate with YOU, and not someone else before she met you?

Were you a virgin when you met her? If not what's the big deal with all this gossip from your friends?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its none of your business, or your friends, what she has done before, or will do after you. And how would your friends know of her intimacies in the first place. Sounds like jealous gossip. Focus on what the two of you do together and not on the gossip of friends who may not even know of what they speak.

I mean who are you dating, them, or her? Its only been a few months, and more to learn so enjoy the learning no matter what it is. Then you won't have to be confused by your friends being in your business. And why is it okay for her to have an affair and be intimate with YOU, and not someone else before she met you?

Were you a virgin when you met her? If not whats the big deal with all this gossip from your friends?

Yes I was a virgin before .
She has different explanation on what my friends told. My friends only saw her with guys. But telling many things which is beyond which they had seen.
They're telling that she doesn't deserve me.
She had many affairs and she'll not be changed. She can start a new affair in future.

What do you want us to tell you?
1. You believe her
2. You believe them
3. You don't care either way
4. You hire a private investigator
5. You go to a matchmaker for arranged introductions
6. You live your life thinking you have to believe stories, developing fear and mistrust, worrying about a future that hasn't happened yet, and dying a lonely old man. You aren't even being logical. She might leave you anyway - do you think virgins don't break up with people? At this rate, she IS going to leave you, because you don't trust her. As she should.

As long as she doesn't have an affair while she is with you, what do you care? I bet your friends don't have girl friends either. Since you are so inexperienced then of course you may be very confused, and maybe your friends are advising you that you shouldn't start planning a long future with a stranger you just started dating a few months ago.

That doesn't mean you cannot trust what she says, just be cautious of where this affair can go. The new lust can be mistaken for love rather easily especially when a virgin (ex virgin) is involved. So have fun while it lasts my friend, and don't just give your heart to the first person you have had sex with. Or expect the lust to last forever because lust always fades while love grows. Even that love may not be enough to keep this going forever. That's just the way relationships go.

Go slow and find your way and have some fun, and don't let the good intentions of friends confuse you, or the sex either.

Yes she can start a new affair with someone else if you two don't work out, but so can you. But right now its too soon to tell if you will break up, or NOT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

As long as she doesn't have an affair while she is with you, what do you care? I bet your friends don't have girl friends either. Since you are so inexperienced then of course you may be very confused, and maybe your friends are advising you that you shouldn't start planning a long future with a stranger you just started dating a few months ago.

That doesn't mean you cannot trust what she says, just be cautious of where this affair can go. The new lust can be mistaken for love rather easily especially when a virgin (ex virgin) is involved. So have fun while it lasts my friend, and don't just give your heart to the first person you have had sex with. Or expect the lust to last forever because lust always fades while love grows. Even that love may not be enough to keep this going forever. Thats just the way relationships go.

Go slow and find your way and have some fun, and don't let the good intentions of friends confuse you, or the sex either.

Yes she can start a new affair with someone else if you two don't work out, but so can you. But right now its too soon to tell if you will break up, or NOT.

But I'm also thinking how to make my friends understand what is truth. How to prove it to them that she is right. So that they'll respect her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitpowermail

But I'm also thinking how to make my friends understand what is truth. How to prove it to them that she is right. So that they'll respect her.

You aren't getting it. You don't know the truth and neither do they, unless they are the ones who slept with her. When you don't know the TRUTH, you TRUST until you know the truth, if ever. If you feel compelled to know the truth, you aren't going to last in this relationship.

You tell your friends that you love her (if you actually love her) and that she loves you - end of story. You also tell them to mind their own business.

There is nothing to prove to your friends. Its none of their business. Why should she, or you worry about them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

There is nothing to prove to your friends. Its none of their business. Why should she, or you worry about them?

They are opposing because I'm going to marring that girl.

I don't blame them given its only been two months. Guy loses virginity wants to get married??

You sound crazy to me!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't blame them given its only been two months. Guy loses virginity wants to get married????

You sound crazy to me!!!!!!!

I'm not virgin , but was never in any sexual relationship. And I did this course after proposal of marriage. It's a family matters also come into the picture. I did this intercourse after many days of this proposal.

Did she say yes?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Did she say yes?

Yes

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitpowermail

Yes I was a virgin before ..

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitpowermail

I'm not virgin , but was never in any sexual relationship. and I did this course after proposal of marriage. It's a family matters also come into the picture. I did this intercourse after many days of this proposal.

Hope you have a very long engagement. Like a year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hope you have a very long engagement. Like a year.

Thanks but plan of marriage is may be 1 and 1/2 yrs later. So have some time. Family included in this matter, that's why this time range came.

I agree about waiting for the wedding.
There's two entirely different topics here. One is trust and another might possibly be naïveté (on your part). Hopefully you are starting to understand the trust part. That isn't to say that you don't trust with blinders on, with naïveté. Or as the old saying goes, Love is Blind. Life is a constant delicate juggling of trust and assessing reality, truth. You don't want to rush into something. Even IF your fiancé really did go from one boyfriend to another, it doesn't mean she will do it to you (one of the reasons to ignore the past). Maybe you really are the man she has been waiting for. Only TIME will tell.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I agree about waiting for the wedding.
There's two entirely different topics here. One is trust and another might possibly be naivete (on your part). Hopefully you are starting to understand the trust part. That isn't to say that you don't trust with blinders on, with naivete. Or as the old saying goes, Love is Blind. Life is a constant delicate juggling of trust and assessing reality, truth. You don't want to rush into something. Even IF your fiance really did go from one boyfriend to another, it doesn't mean she will do it to you (one of the reasons to ignore the past). Maybe you really are the man she has been waiting for. Only TIME will tell.

Yes, She is kept telling me the same. And also expressing regret why she didn't get me earlier. She finds me so perfect for her that she always kept telling that. May be being inexperienced of commitment and also due to the external(friends gossips) entity , I'm thinking like this. How to stop this type of thinkings (if she finds another, is she betraying me, is she acting with me to get married because of her unpopularity in the area as friends r telling). How to control myself being so tensed? How do I help myself.
What type of things I should do to minimize such mental conflict ?

Maybe you both are caught up in the moment, and idea of love and romance. Happens all the time when strangers get together and have stars in their eyes. Just be realistic my friend and don't get so carried away by feelings that you cannot see the facts. In the months ahead,enjoy getting toknow each other, and keepit HONEST between you.

Know that things could change really fast, so go slow.