Hi, I am married to my husband for the last 1 year and we know each other for two and a half years. It's my second marriage and his first. There was some reluctance from his family, but we ironed it out.

I love my husband and he loves me and we always keep each other first always and are touch wood very very happy together.

He gets along with my family. My family stays in another state and don't visit often, but he loves going to my place and staying there.
But I don't really get along with some people in his family. His mother and eldest brother (who is a divorcee) used to stay with us in the initial months of our marriage. It created issues. The brother-in-law would come into our room unannounced and it was embarrassing at times. The mother-in-law used to force me to eat sweets though she knows my parents are diabetic and I needed to go easy on food. She also used to be too inquisitive. All her TV programmes would not let my husband watch his favorite programmes, so he used to be irritated. And she did not like us going out for a movie, eating out, or decorating the house. They have a house of their own which is 2 minutes from ours, so finally they left. They are sweet, but a little callous.

My 2nd brother-in-law is abroad, he was against our marriage. He does not really get along with my husband or his brother, and is selfish and immature. He thinks that my husband has changed after marriage and is always insinuating that I changed him. He IS VERY INTERFERING and is always offering unsolicited advice. He takes no real interest in anyone's life but thinks he has to be consulted in everything just because he is doing very well in life. He does nothing for anyone but his wife and kids. Good for him. But he is nasty and I cannot stand him.

Do I need to like him? His kids are sweet and my husband loves them a lot. I like them too. And they too like us. I have not been able to figure out his wife. Maybe she is sweet, maybe she is not, but we have been cordial. Is it OK not to get along?

Since my mom-in-law and bro-in-law have left, I am feeling guilty. Did they leave because of me? But my relation with my husband was getting affected... we were fighting often. Now we don't. How should I deal with all this?

In my previous marriage, I tried to please all and sundry, it did not work. I ended up bruised and battered. My husband's extended family - uncles and aunts and cousins - seem to adore me. They tell my husband that he is lucky to have got me as his wife. But I am miserable because I don't really get along with the closest ones.

If what you describe as MIL, I wouldn't want to get along with her either. But, no one can force you do eat anything you don't want to. Do you know the word NO.

No you don't have to get along with them, but civility is always an asset, but then again, if they are not willing to get along with you then, don't fight it.

Every family has its own problems. Some are like yours. The two most important people here are you and your husband.

I am OK with MIL, she stays in another house now. I had this dream of "an awesome mother-daughter relationship" with my MIL. And how many times can I say NO? She used to be persistent and I did not want to be rude... Anyway. That dream is not going to come true I guess.
Thanks a lot for the answer.

An old saying is, "When you marry, you also marry the whole family". It's true, and the only thing that might help is being 3000 miles away from them. You have to decide if you are going to tolerate this, or get out.

How old are you? "The mother-in-law used to force me to eat sweets though she knows my parents are diabetic and I needed to go easy on food. She also used to be too inquisitive. All her TV programmes would not let my husband watch his favorite programmes ..."

FORCE you to eat sweets? Would NOT LET your husband watch his favorite programs?

What country is this in?

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Originally Posted by Honeysuckle19

I am ok with MIL, she stays in another house now. I had this dream of "an awesome mother-daughter relationship" with my MIL. And how many times can I say NO? She used to be persistent and I did not want to be rude... Anyways. That dream is not gonna come true I guess.
Thanks a lot for the answer.

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Maybe you were not assertive enough, no means no in any language.

Your whole post is about manipulation, and what disturbs me is, your husband does nothing.

Yes, what country are you in or were in?

If you can say that someone forces you to eat sweets, then you are not using quiet ways of asserting yourself.
Just from the way your write, you sound very young.
The SIL you can't figure out sounds like a very smart woman. She knows how to keep a little distance between her and lots of relatives, a wise move. I would tell her so someday when no one is listening.

I don't get along with my own family half the time, but its wise to smile and put up with their BS for limited times and go about your business afterward. And NO is not rude. Especially for the pushy ones.

Be grateful there are some you like and have fun but handling yourself with grace and dignity, as this is only a big of a deal as you make it. You can always remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes you take the good with the bad because no one is perfect so don't let anyone bring you down.

Some people are just sweeter than others, family or NOT.

My MIL is 70 and has had a about of depression a few years back. So I don't want to really hurt her in any manner. Her TV programmes used to clash with my husband's, she insisted she had to watch hers, so we let her be lest she felt bad. We could not get another TV. The eldest BIL is unemployed (though qualified, he is plain lazy), so after they left, we even financially support them without them asking. My husband is a gem, he always stands up for me, but I would rather not have such situations when he has to do that. Why can't we all live and let live? I don't get in their way, why do they get in my way? How do I tell t hem to let us be?

The real nagging problem is the second BIL. As an example, he posted rude comments on FB about me. First he asked if I am pregnant, when I said no, he said I look perennially pregnant since marriage! On a social networking site! What kind of a human being is that?? My husband felt offended at that comment and deleted it and told him that it was rude and immature and they exchanged a couple of mails which my husband showed me. The BIL accuses my husband of having changed after marriage. But this BIL has not been around for years, how would he know? He visits once in a year, hardly calls up or keeps in touch. He has a vengeful vein I am afraid. I am sure he is going to call up my MIL and badmouth me. Not that I care that much, but still I would rather that not happen. Also, he will badmouth me to the extended family, but I am not really sure he keeps in touch with them…

How do I keep distance and stay cordial? I am sure to bump into him once in a year. I find him toxic. What is in my mind reflects on my face…

Why are you so worried about people you so seldom see now? I think you are allowing past anger and frustration to fester into a resentment. That's no good for you. Better to focus on the good things you have been blessed with, and not let the bad sour them.

By constantly reviewing the rude behavior of others you give them more power of your attitude and life that they shouldn't have. Feed the good things in your life not the bad. Gratitude has to be your attitude to function effectively through the times when you have those rude people in your life.

You cannot control them or their behavior, but you can control your own. Put this behind you. Accept them for the flawed piss ants that they are. Pray for them, and forget 'em.

After telling us several anecdotes about family and getting the usual advice about how to deal with them, you told us more anecdotes. You are dwelling on these stories too much. Your original question was is it OK to not get along with in laws, and the answers are always going to be the same variations on yes it's OK, but try to get along even if you don't like them. Most people are in this situation. And it isn't just family; it's new spouses and partners of good friends, and new friends of friends.

Maybe you just need a best friend to vent to. Because that's what it sounds like here: you are venting.

Absolutely agree - this is sounding more and more like OP's fixation over whatever the problem is.

Of course, she lost me when her MIL was "forcing" her to eat foods which are bad for her diabetes.

Forced?

Did anyone find out if this is in the US?

I'm guessing US but from another country and culture originally.

It sounds like your relationship with mil is improving since you have your own homes. You can be polite and say 'no' at the same time. For future reference, recording devices can help when people want to watch different shows at the same time.

You may not have your ideal relationship with her, but you can look at ways to build a closer bond. Do you have any common interests? Cooking, crafts, gardening, learning, etc.

Ignore the second bil. Be polite when you have to be around him, but focus more on the rest of the family. Frankly, his behavior is that of someone who is transferring his issues onto other people to make himself look and feel better. By allowing his behavior to bother you, you are giving him the attention and feedback he is wanting. When he is nice or polite, reward the good behavior. When he is negative, walk away.

Other than your husband, do you have anyone you can talk to about your feelings?

Thank you for your replies. Cat1864, I guess you have helped me by asking one key question. I have only one friend with whom I can share all these, I have done so, but she is in another city, so we cannot talk as and when I want.

And now that she has moved into another house, we are better. I do not feel like visiting them often, but whenever I do I am cordial, but deep inside my mind, I want to just get out and go. I guess it's not just me who has gone through this situation...

Many thanks to all.

I have got my answer - MIL - I will stay cordial and say a firm no when I have to. It's OK to say NO when my well-being is at stake.

The second BIL - to hell with him. I cannot let his negativity destroy our peace and happiness. Whenever he visits, we will go away on vacation!

Thanks a lot to all of you from the bottom of my heart!