There's this girl I'm basically in love with. We've known each other for three years, and confessed feelings for each other a couple of months after we met. We were living in two different countries, still basically are, and held off from going official because neither of us could afford to travel and meet the other one, but we were very much into each other.

Well, it turns out that she had been seeing a guy for a couple of months now. She was in a bad place and while I tried to be there for her, this other guy was, well, actually physically there for her. I only found out about the two of them recently, and as you can imagine, I'm kind of crushed.

The thing is, I still love her, and I have a feeling she still has feelings for me too. I know I shouldn't hold out for the future that may never come and it's only been 3 days since I found out. I love her to bits and it is actually making me sick over the fact that she might not return those feelings again, even if I'm happy that there's someone taking care of her now and that she can be in a happy place.

What do you guys think I should do?

You should find someone to make you happy who you can be with physically. She has made a choice and it wasn't you. You were basically a friend to her. People who are seeking a relationship with someone seek for more than just conversation. You two couldn't provide more than a conversation due to issues that were beyond your control.

Go out and meet someone new. If you do that your interest will be peeked by the new person and you will live your life forward. Again - she has made her choice. Now you need to make a choice.

You need to forget about her. Although she probably does care for you, she found someone near her that she cares about that she can actually be with. Long distance relationships face this problem and this is why they seldom work... although it is nice to have an emotional bond with someone, it is better to have that bond and a physical one as well.

If at some point you may being the same country, there is a chance.
However I do not recommend dwelling on it. Being far apart, and not in a committed relationship, it is unrealistic for you to expect fidelity, unless you both expressed the desire for each other to do so.
Have you been with other people? Have you been vocal about it?
I have had similar situations in which the initial effect is soul crushing, you never want to think of the person you love with someone else. I was in relationships that could not follow their due course because of distance or prior commitments. However, I have at a later point rekindled some of these romances when conditions were favorable and practical, after an extended period without contact and both parties engaging with other sexual partners in the absence of one another. I found that these rekindled relationships, had a different dynamic, once we had accepted that life went on while we were apart, when we got together again jealousies were diminished compared to newer relationships. We developed the ability to talk more openly and without fear of what the other might think. Knowing that we could still feel this way after parting and coming back, the possibility of parting again in the future, or a break did not hold the same sense of permanence.
So basically, live your life, continue to be there for them, if they don't need you check back later, or maybe they will seek you out when things end, and know that if it happens for you both in the future it has the potential to be stronger, and based in reality.

Does that make any sense?

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Originally Posted by Thisismiller3

If at some point you may bein the same country, there is a chance.
However I do not recommend dwelling on it. Being far apart, and not in a committed relationship, it is unrealistic for you to expect fidelity, unless you both expressed the desire for each other to do so.
Have you been with other people? Have you been vocal about it?
I have had similar situations in which the initial effect is soul crushing, you never want to think of the person you love with someone else. I was in relationships that could not follow their due course because of distance or prior commitments. However, I have at a later point rekindled some of these romances when conditions were favorable and practical, after an extended period of time without contact and both parties engaging with other sexual partners in the absence of one another. I found that these rekindled relationships, had a different dynamic, once we had accepted that life went on while we were apart, when we got together again jealousies were diminished compared to newer relationships. We developed the ability to talk more openly and without fear of what the other might think. Knowing that we could still feel this way after parting and coming back, the possibility of parting again in the future, or a break did not hold the smae sense of permanence.
So basically, live your life, continue to be there for them, if they dont need you check back later, or maybe they will seek you out when things end, and know that if it happens for you both in the future it has the potential to be stronger, and based in reality.

Does that make any sense?

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I guess so.

I mean, I guess that really, she was the closest to being my first, which might give some insight to the mentality I have about it, but it was simply "she's the first and only one I will ever meet," at least not in that sense.

She's rare. She liked me for who I was, and was one of the few people I could genuinely talk to. Even individuals who were in my circle of interest, ones who I could talk to, I guess they didn't take a shine to me as much as she did. It was so hard to find someone I could connect to and wouldn't shut me off if I admitted my feelings.

While I might be 'young' to the whole thing, and even if I am still beaten up about it, I guess I knew the risks of a long distance relationship, and denying that will do me no favours.

I still want to be with her, but, that feeling might pass in time. I suppose a large part of why it hurt so much was that she just didn't tell me that she was seeing someone else.

Ah, if she is your "first" that is certainly more poignant. I am still friends with my first girlfriend, one of the few people am still in contact with from my former lives. I still think about her, and wonder if things had been different, however my life was never quite right for things to work between us. I had several opportunities to re-new our relationship down the road but didn't act when she reached out, or didn't follow through. She is unhappily married now, when it happened even though it was years since we'd been together, she called me the day she got engaged and basically to give me the option to intercede: the feelings between us were always still and will always be there. I couldn't rob her of a chance at happiness.
I still think maybe we will end up one of those couples who get married in old age, but kind of doubt it.
You are young, and if there is a mutual love, then time and experience may temper it and make it more durable. It is easy at the beginning of you life to see things narrowly especially when they deal with matters of the heart, because your body and mind are telling you that this is the one, and you have no other point of reference. The first cut is the deepest. However no logic or amount of time will allow you to feel a love as strong or overwhelming as your first.
Talk to her, wait or don't wait for her, just keep in mind that it isn't necessarily the end, if you really think it is right, then strike when the time is right.

Helpful?

I understand. She knows full well that I'm still in love with her. She seems to be kind of OK with that, strangely (as in, she says it won't ever be awkward for her). I mean, granted, she still acted as though she returned the feelings for the months that she supposedly was dating this guy. When I found out, she said her hesitance was due to not knowing when there would be a right time to tell me. I trust her on that, but due to her ease of dealing with the situation, I can't help but have a nagging feeling that I'm being led on.

I guess I'll never know, at least not now.

I still have a few things to talk to her about it, but I do know that, for the moment, I guess I just have to let things be, even if it hurts a whole lot.

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Originally Posted by JH1990

I understand. She knows full well that I'm still in love with her. She seems to be kind of ok with that, strangely (as in, she says it won't ever be awkward for her). I mean, granted, she still acted as though she returned the feelings for the months that she supposedly was dating this guy. When I found out, she said her hesitance was due to not knowing when there would be a right time to tell me. I trust her on that, but due to her ease of dealing with the situation, I can't help but have a nagging feeling that I'm being led on.

I guess I'll never know, at least not now.

I still have a few things to talk to her about it, but I do know that, for the moment, I guess I just have to let things be, even if it hurts a whole lot.

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"I still have a few things to talk to her about it" - Bad move but it certainly is your move to make. Hanging on will not help you move forward. And let's not forget that she was less than honest through this whole thing.

You have nothing else to talk about, nor should you. Just take your heart back from this stranger and be smarter about who you do give it to. Never a chat/text buddy. One you may NEVER meet.

Sucks and hurts, but you will recover if you want to. Start now by deleting her from your life.

Hey guys.

Thanks again for the advice, here's what's happened so far.

Despite people telling me not to, I went back to talk to her. I basically vented about how I felt and why things turned out the way they did, basically told her all the things I hadn't said to her. She was receptive and didn't see it as an issue. Granted, while I still love her I kind of feel a bit better now. She still values me as a person, and feels bad for how things turned out.

I understand that I should move on, and hopefully it won't be long before things are back to the way they were, but I don't want to lose her. Having known her for four years and started our relationship from a very pleasant friendship, I want to go back to that. Even if what happened hurt me, I can't simply let her go. She's done a lot for me, and been one of the few people to kind of improve me as a person, turning my back on that would make me feel even worse.

So... yeah. I'm just going to bite the bullet and stay friends. If another chance arises, then I may take it, but will do so cautiously. In the mean time, though, well... I don't think I'm going to be looking for someone. Emotionally, I'm far from ready.

Most of us are as far from being friends with an ex after a breakup as you are to moving on. Seldom can we go back to better times, though many have tried only to have the agony prolonged and true healing brushed aside.

Boy will you hurt more when she has healed and you still have not, and your "friend zone" relationship has to make way for her dating and romance with others.

What you think she won't love others? It will positively hurt more later.