I am pregnant with my second child (first with my husband, I have a 8 year old daughter by previous marriage). I am having some worries about my husbands family visiting shortly after the baby is born. I am mostly worried about my mother in law and how much conflict she is going to cause. A little background: my mil is renting a lake house 15 minutes down the road from where we live. At first she wanted to plan this trip 2-3 weeks after the baby was born and she wanted us to stay there at the house with her. I explained to her that I would not feel comfortable staying there and maybe she should push back the dates. She was not happy but did push the dates back to the week my daughter goes back to school. I tried to get her to change the dates but insisted that was the only time they could come. My problem is that I am worried that my mil is going to have crazy demands for us that week. She is trying to plan a vacation around meeting her grandbaby. I already told my husband we won't be spending the night there. I think it's fine to visit them for a few hours a day but I didn't want to spend all day there. My mil is a bit of a drinker and her excuse for not coming to our house is she won't be able to drive. My husband will do anything to make his mom happy but I don't want to drain myself or my children going off schedule by trying to please her. So my question is 1) is it unreasonable to ask his mom and his family to visit us a few days during that week?
2) and how do I get my husband to see his mom is being unreasonable?
Thanks and sorry so long! :)

Is she coming after the baby is due, or way before?

If the baby is born during her visit, then she really can't expect you to spend a lot of time at the place she's renting. You'll need to be home, resting, getting accustomed to having a newborn in your house. She should understand that.

Also, you have another child, one that's in school. Her schedule shouldn't be completely disrupted by this.

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns?

She is coming when the baby will be a little over a month old (depending when the baby is born). I have tried to talk to my husband but he doesn't see my side. He wants to spend all day over there, pick my daughter up from school and come back to the house. I think we will be too exhausted to do this. He always says they will want to see my daughter but why did they schedule their vacation on her first week of school?

1. Put your foot down with him and with her. You are the busy, nursing mother. TELL them that YOU get to call the shots.
2. Use doctor's orders as a secondary reason: tired, must stay rested.

It burns me up that MILs act like they get to call the shots when visiting newborns far away. In the old days they showed up early to help out, not plan vacations and be catered to.

I agree! I feel like she is trying to plan a fun vacation around a newborn. My husband tells me it's just got a week and I should just do whatever because they won't be able to see the baby for a while. I don't feel like I am being unreasonable to not want to stay all day ( or night ) and have them come over a couple days that week. I will be nursing and I won't feel comfortable nursing in front of his family. I told this to my mil and she got mad and said I was being ridiculous! I don't know what to do if my husband doesn't take my side.

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Originally Posted by Morgan0218

I agree! I feel like she is trying to plan a fun vacation around a newborn. My husband tells me it's just got a week and I should just do whatever because they won't be able to see the baby for a while. I don't feel like I am being unreasonable to not want to stay all day ( or night ) and have them come over a couple days that week. I will be nursing and I won't feel comfortable nursing in front of his family. I told this to my mil and she got mad and said I was being ridiculous!! I don't know what to do if my husband doesn't take my side.

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Refuse to go. You'll have a newborn. Where you go, the baby goes. If you're not feeling up to spending all day every day with his parents, then tell him that you're sorry, but you just gave birth, you're tired, and you will not cater to his every whim. If they want to see you and the baby, they are more than welcome to visit you at your home, so that you don't have to disrupt your schedule or the baby's. That's not at all an unreasonable request.

If all else fails, show him this thread and the advice you've been given. Maybe hearing it from complete strangers will make him understand.

Thank you! You are right! I think he is in a world of shock once the baby comes! It's not as easy as he may think it is and I'm sure his mother forgot how exhausting little ones can be. She is always telling him how easy babies are to transport around. I try to explain to him the endless amount of stuff babies need even just to go to the store let alone a day out or a night away. Very true where I go the baby goes and if he makes a big stink about not leaving I will just go without him!

It is common for grandparents to come and stay with you.
I can't understand that for a week visit she can't stay with you, visit her son and the new baby.

So why is she renting a lake house and not just staying in your home?

Sorry,many society, like the one I live in now, one of the grandmothers live in the house with the baby for the entire first month to 6 weeks.

I may not want to travel out, but having her in your home the entire time would be the answer

We won't have room for her and my father in law. My husband brother and his wife will be coming down as well. I don't know if I could handle her staying with me. After about 8 pm every night she is pretty drunk! I don't know how well that will mix with a post partumn mommy! Haha

And like I said I think she is trying to plan a vacation and a newborn doesn't mix well. They will e wanting to go on a boat and go swimming and tons of drinking! Which is fine if they want to do but I won't be there with the baby.

'... but I won't be there with the baby.'

Good. Now you're sounding strong and firm.

I heard a good line once for dealing with all sorts of unwelcome situations: If you will pardon me for not answering, I will pardon you for asking.
You can vary that to say If you will pardon me for not being there, I will pardon you for expecting me to.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.

Well said Joy. I completely agree.

You stated that they're coming to visit when the baby will be about a month old. Well, hopefully within that month your husband will learn what having a newborn is all about, and he'll see your side of things.

So, when the baby comes, put him to work. It's his baby too. Make him get up a few times when the baby is crying at 2am for a diaper change and a feeding. Let him take over some of the responsibility. Make him pack the bags when you simply have to go to the store for milk. Let him see how hard it all is, and how horrible it is if that very delicate routine is disturbed.

I have a feeling that once he actually has to be a daddy to a newborn, he's going to see things is a very different light. :)

When is the baby due?