Ask Me Help Desk - Sex life- relationships

Sex life- relationships

My boyfriend and I have been together 6yrs now. We have sex on average once a month. When I raise the issue he says he's sorry he just does
Not feel like it or he is tired etc. Just this week when asked he finally came clean and said it is because I have gained weight. Over the past three weeks I have been really committed to losing weight and lost 10kgs. He says I'm looking great etc. I was really shocked and upset. Haven't really spoken much to him since then. He says he never wants to lose me and is in love but I don't know that I want to be with someone that shallow. 6yrs is a long time and am not sure what to do...

So... he doesn't want to lose 95% of you? How old are you both?

First off, and not to justify what he said or his attitude, there is no unconditional love. It just doesn't really rear its head like this.

So I think you need to evaluate your relationship with him. You're six years in, that is not an insignificant period, and are there plans to take this to the next level? Kids? Do you live together? Is this long distance. Is this still in the life path you are wanting to go.

Maybe talk to him about how hurtful his comments were. He needs to know that.

We are attracted to people because of their personalities, true, but we are also, and probably equally attracted to people because of their looks. It may seem shallow of him to lose some of his sexual desire for you because of your appearance, but it is natural. And, if the way in which he has treated you outside of the bedroom has not changed, then I'd say this is a small issue.

One thing I have to wonder when reading your post is how much weight had you gained? If it is a little (say, 10lbs or less) and his feelings for you dramatically changed, then I would be inclinded to say he is very shallow. If it is a much larger amount, then I could understand how that might change his sexual attraction to you. If he had gained the same amount of weight or if his appearance had changed in a similar way would it affect your attraction to him at all?

You also need to keep in mind that sexual relationships have ups and downs. This could be a down period in which the frequency with which you have sex is relatively low.

His reaction may not necessarily seem 'right' and is hurtful I'm sure. But, at least he was honest and at least it's something you can fix, assuming you want to. You have to be candid with yourself. Have you changed that much? And is your relationship with him, including the sex, worth the effort it would take to keep the weight off?

We are both in our mid 20s. I prob put on about 20 kilos.

And I would say that's a significant amount of weight - enough to affect his level of sexual attraction, even if he's head over heels for you. There is a saying "love is blind." Well, it's not. However, I also don't think he's shallow. Shallow would be breaking up with you over your weight. Being slightly less attracted, a natural reaction. He's with you and he's honest and you have already lost half the weight you gained. Has the sex life improved? If so, I'd say it sounds like you're heading down the right track.

There is more issues than the weight, a man in his 20's should have a higher sex drive and heavy or 60 kilo heavy would not stop him. This is an excuse to shift the blame to you. It is not the real reason. He wants to make you feel responsible for his problem.

I have to agree with Fr_Chuck here... at this age, some extra weight should not make a difference. He does have something else going on and decided to give you that lame and hurtful excuse to draw the attention away from him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

There is more issues than the weight, a man in his 20's should have a higher sex drive and heavy or 60 kilo heavy would not stop him. This is an excuse to shift the blame to you. It is not the real reason. He wants to make you feel responsible for his problem.

Where should I go from here

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

I have to agree with Fr_Chuck here....at this age, some extra weight should not make a difference. He does have something else going on and decided to give you that lame and hurtful excuse to draw the attention away from him.

Where should I go from gere

You need to have a real discussion with him and then from that point, you decide for yourself what your next step is.