Ask Me Help Desk - Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years I'm 34 he's 28. There has always been a strong chemistry between us and for the first few months we couldn't keep our hands off each other majority of the time he was the one initiating sex. Now its nothing and when the rare occasion does happen 9 times out of 10 its been me who has initiated it. There's always excuses like he's not been showered.

The sex is fab when it does happen just as hot and lasts for a while like in the beginning that's what drives me crazier! He always snuggles up after and won't let me go telling me how much he loves me so I seriously don't get it.

I've read a few peoples stories with similar issues but they seem to be having no intimacy at all. My boyfriend can't keep his hands off me away from the bedroom he is always grabbing my butt and breasts but when I start touching back or suggest going upstairs there's always some lame excuse.

He's always saying I'm too small for him down there and I hurt him that's what puts him off. Yeah he's quite well endowed but it wasn't an issue when we were at it like rabbits in the beginning.

I'm totally frustrated myself confidence is zero and I don't know how long I can put up with this.

He is a weed smoker but he doesn't smoke any more or less than he did before.
I really don't want to end things as I love him but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this

This is all about the weed smoking that DOES kill libido... and his lies...

First you aren't so small it hurts... sorry... guys weiners aren't hyper sensitve to pressure... and I once briefly dated a girl with such control of her pelvic muscles she could literally clamp down as tight as a thumb and index finger can... shame she didn't have much of a personality.

I'm not sure that any relationship that begins "like rabbits" stays that way. I'd ask him - he presumably knows why sex has changed for him.

And, yes, smoking pot is a factor.

I also don't know that grabbing at you every chance he gets indicates love, desire or anything other than grabbing you whenever he can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

This is all about the weed smoking that DOES kill libido...and his lies...

First you aren't so small it hurts....sorry...guys weiners aren't hyper sensitve to pressure...and I once breifly dated a girl with such control of her pelvic muscles she could literally clamp down as tight as a thumb and index finger can....shame she didn't have much of a personality.

He says the pressure is tight but feels good to him, its at the tip of his penis at one side it feels like he's hitting my cervix feels like bone? He does get grazed at the bit he's talking about

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm not sure that any relationship that begins "like rabbits" stays that way. I'd ask him - he presumably knows why sex has changed for him.

And, yes, smoking pot is a factor.

I also don't know that grabbing at you every chance he gets indicates love, desire or anything other than grabbing you whenever he can.

Yeah I know the first stages of any relationship there's lots more sex and it dwindles after a while but to once every few months is my issue.
Regarding the pot smoking I've asked some male and female friends who do it and they say it doesn't affect their sex drive unless its been a particularly heavy smoke. Obviously everyone's different but still he's a young guy?
Also I know that being grabbed doesn't constitute love, I was just stating that he does touch me all the time and that there is plenty of affection shown such as kissing and cuddling but that's all you get even in bed

I would ask Physicians about the effect pot has on libido, not pot users.

I think you either sit him down and ask for an open and frank discussion - or leave. You are unhappy; he can't be happy knowing you're unhappy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I would ask Physicians about the effect pot has on libido, not pot users.

I think you either sit him down and ask for an open and frank discussion - or leave. You are unhappy; he can't be happy knowing you're unhappy.

Yeah I know that's what I need to do and not to take any rubbish excuses just get to the root of the issue even if its something I don't want to hear.
I have a doctors appointment next week I'll discuss the pot with her.thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by deedee78

Yeah I know the first stages of any relationship theres lots more sex and it dwindles after a while but to once every few months is my issue.
Regarding the pot smoking iv asked some male and female friends who do it and they say it doesn't affect their sex drive unless its been a particularly heavy smoke. Obviously everyone's different but still he's a young guy?
Also I know that being grabbed doesn't constitute love, I was just stating that he does touch me all the time and that there is plenty of affection shown such as kissing and cuddling but that's all u get even in bed

So you got the intimacy part, save for the sex, down pat. All told that isn't a bad thing. I am surprised you're not feeling like you've being pawed at constantly. I mean that has to wear thin at times?

Is this your first sexual relationship? Did you have problems in your previous relationships?

Back to the situation at hand. That's a bullsh!t excuse that your boyfriend is giving you. Well I assume it is. There is a lot of variation when it comes to almost every part of your body and it is possible that your vaginal opening is too small. That is something I would talk to your oby/gyn with. My wife and I are expecting, and I have looked at a few child birth videos. You're built to pop out something that has the size of a grapefruit at least. Now look at the girth of his penis and a grapefruit.

This is why we're skeptical that you being too tight is the actual reason. It doesn't follow your anatomy. If you need further convincing, get a decent sized dildo and play around with it. Observing all safety practices related to adult toys. Even if he's hung like a horse it shouldn't be a problem.

In my gut I feel like there is something that he's not telling you. Pot is a libido killer. It acts more in the erectile dysfunction arena and not in the "I don't want to have sex" arena. So he could be turned on and raring to go, but flaccid. Saying that you're too tight is his way of offloading the problem from his frail male ego and onto you. It isn't an uncommon thing to do and is really unfair to you. From the male species I Apologize.

One last thing that popped to mind because I typed this out for another issue. Love helps, but love isn't enough. There are many pillars to a relationship, sex and intimacy is one, and without all of them in place it gets difficult to continue a relationship. I know of a few people who can live with the intimacy/sex and some that can live without the cohabitation/co-dependence. So if this is bugging you and clearly it is because you've posted about it, it is an issue that needs to be resolved. This is a valid reason to leave a person even when you love them. Fast forward 20 years and think of what life will be like. It is better to find a great match than an okay match.

So here's what I would advise you to do:
1). Get yourself checked out. Make sure everything is in proper working order. Make sure that there aren't any blockages, hymen is not an issue and all that. Take that out of the equation.
2). Talk to him. See if there is anything else going on. Maybe try to wean both him off weed as well. There is a reason for this and we should figure it out.
3). Evaluate your options. Decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Staying is good. Leaving might be better. It is your choice and it isn't easy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deedee78

He says the pressure is tight but feels good to him, its at the tip of his penis at one side it feels like he's hitting my cervix feels like bone? He does get grazed at the bit hes talking about

If he hit your cervix,, you would in all likelihood be hitting the ceiling, that is incredibly painful for many women. At least it was for those I've slept with.

Odd since I've never encountered anything like that myself (or heard of it either)... but with living tissue a lot is possible. You might want to ask your gynecologist the next visit you have with them and have them check.

I disagree that it can "never" feel too tight for a guy's penis. I am not the average case, but I get muscles spasms in my vagina (that I can't even feel). So there are times that I'm extra tight and I don't even know it. The only way I would know it is if my husband tries to have sex and he'll tell me it feels extra tight (which usually isn't a bad thing for him). But there have been times in my past (before I dealt with the muscles spasm issue) that I was definitely too tight to have sex with. Like there was no way a guy could enter me (trust me I tried many many times with 2 different guys.. both were never able to get in!). It hurt like hell to even try. Now I still have the issue but it's not like it use to be. The only thing now, is sometimes I'm a little too tight to get ontop. It feels good for me but can feel a little uncomfortable to my husband. My guess is because when I'm laying down my muscles are relaxed, but if I'm trying to be ontop those muscles are being used and clamping tighter around him.

Anyway just saying I do think there are certain women who might be a bit tight (maybe they have slight muscles tightness that they aren't even aware of). Like CravenMorehead said the best way to know is to use a dildo or something and see if it's uncomfortable. Also are gyno exams ever painful or extremely uncomfortable? I think for a regular woman (with no muscle spasms) it is just a little uncomfortable, but that's it.

Her boyfriend is being pretty specific, so I don't think he's making it up. "He says the pressure is tight but feels good to him, its at the tip of his penis at one side it feels like he's hitting my cervix feels like bone"

It's definitely worth seeing a gyno about. And before the exam explain to the doc what your b/f said, so the doc knows what to look for/ where to check.
Also maybe your boyfriend should try to have more shallow sex? Don't go in so deep.

Even if it's true that you do feel too tight to him, that's not a good enough reason to hardly ever be sexual together. There's plenty of sexual things to do without actually having intercourse.

Wonder what else is going on in other parts of the relationship that you cannot resolve this with honest communications? Once the minds meet, the bodies will follow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

I disagree that it can "never" feel too tight for a guy's penis. I am not the average case, but I get muscles spasms in my vagina (that I can't even feel). So there are times that I'm extra tight and I don't even know it. The only way I would know it is if my husband tries to have sex and he'll tell me it feels extra tight (which usually isn't a bad thing for him). ...

That is what I forgot... An ex-girlfriend of mine had that issue. Physiothearpy was the solution, but it never really got better. That would have to do more with her and her personality and dedication to personal maintenance; which is to say lack of. It presented itself more of pain on her part than tightness on my part. She always felt the same to mean, not really tighter or looser as the situation called for it.

I suppose the thrust of my advice in the first part is to make sure there is no physical problems initially.

Thanks GreenTree!

No problem!
Well I didn't forget about your ex. Lol I remember every time someone mentions they have (or knows someone) who has the same problem as me. Because it's supposed to be pretty rare. Physical therapy has helped me a lot, but it hasn't "fixed" me.