I've known my husband for 4 years; we recently got married, 10 months now. I'm 28 and he 27. We always did everything together and things were good with the odd disagreements.Three months into the marriage he bought a car and EVERYTHING changed. He told me he was buying a car to get to work easier and for us to go out. Instead, it was for "pimp my ride" purposes and to stay out after work, and not come home on weekends and disappear into the day and night.

My marriage is filled with disappointment, grief, and sadness. Why would he do this to me? He leaves me alone at home. I gave up my partying lifestyle when he asked me to before we got married and now I'm left with nothing. He says he doesn't want to be single and he doesn't know why he does these things?? I'm shattered...

Ms Lana Lee

First of all, let me welcome you to this wonderful site.

Do you say he bought the car for a PIMP?
There are mistakes in what you wrote. Please clarify. Is the last sentence, "He says HE doesn't want to be single.." Is it really 'he'? >I edited. -WG<

My sane opinion is - Do not worry. Wait and watch. Often the ladies moods depend upon their bio-chemical state of body. So, may be it is temporal opinion of yours. But, still, if the problem really persists, just talk to him.

I've edited your post so it's easier for everyone to read. Please don't text, or your posts will be removed.

I join with Kahani in welcoming you to this site.

Have you considered making a life for yourself with friends and doing activities with other women and having interesting things to tell him when he comes home?

Also, both of you going for a few marriage counseling sessions would be a good idea.

I've tried to talk to him and tell him how this change is affecting me, but he just does it again and again, and it's going on for months. I feel I'm in a different stage right now than my friend and I suggested to him we go for marital counseling, but he doesn't want to because he doesn't want people to tell him what to do. I suggested we find married couples to hang out with but he said he has his friends. His friends are all younger than he is and single and some even do drugs. I don't want him hanging out with those characters as I know what they are about.

No counselor/therapist worth his or her salt will tell him what to do, so he is greatly misinformed about that and is using it as an excuse not to do it.

So what do you suspect might work? (You live with him and know him 100% better than I do.)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

Do you say he bought the car for a PIMP?

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Kahani, she doesn't mean 'pimp' as in prostitution. She is referring to a show called "Pimp My Ride" where they take a car and modify it. Usually it involves adding special tires and rims (the center part of the wheel), a custom paint job, and other 'after market' parts to make the car look completely different.

Some people like turning their cars into what they think is a work of art. It takes a lot of time, work and in most cases a lot of money.

Lana, from what you have written, you have done nothing wrong other than maybe giving up too much of your own life. It is great you enjoyed spending time together, but you both should have time to be with other people and have interests outside the relationship that help relieve stress and let you bring fresh energy into the relationship.

You seem to be looking to him for your entertainment and all of your emotional and mental support. I think you got used to him always being there and doing things with you (and he probably encouraged it.) Now, he is trying to get space and time to himself but has gone overboard.

If he won't go to counseling, ask him about Couple's Classes. They are designed to teach couple's how to work together and adapt to being married.

Meanwhile, get in touch with your friends or make new ones who are a bit more settled in their lives. Go out and have fun once in awhile. Look into other forms of entertainment and being active. If you enjoy physical fitness, there are gyms and other sports. If you like learning, continuing education or community classes are probably available in your area. Bird watching, photography, volunteering and the list goes on. The point is to stop focusing on what you cannot control-him-and focus on what you can-you.

Thank you all for the insight it certainly has given me a better understanding on the whole big mess.

While I agree with most everyone, I don't think it is proper for a married man to not come home on weekends and disappear into the day and night. Having so many single friends is a problem too. This is a young marriage and to have these kinds of problems so soon in it is a problem. Counselling is a must.
You get a social life yourself but don't try yo do what he does to get back at him. I would tell him he needs to decide if he wants to be single or not and start coming home on the weekends. That is just not acceptable in a marriage.

I agree with Homegirl. This behavior is not acceptable. If he wants to live life like he is single, then he should be single.

You need to have a long talk with him and see what his priorities are.

If you were just upset that he had some social life with the guys that didn't include you, or a hobby of tricking out his car with the latest after-market stuff, I would suggest that you go out more with the girls and find a hobby of your own. It's important in any relationship whether a marriage, mother/daughter, siblings, friends - to be able to have some time apart, whether alone or with friends, to pursue hobbies, rest, clear our minds.

The thing is though, he's not coming home after work, and disappears weekends and so on. You said some of the people he's hanging out with do drugs. There's a good possibility he is also doing drugs. It would explain a lot of the deception, not coming home and so on. I certainly would not have unprotected sex with him - he could be cheating on you or using IV drugs for all you know.

I think you should move out or ask him to move out. Tell him this is not a marriage and since he's unwilling to go to counseling or change his ways, it's not a good situation for you. If he wants you back, tell him you are separating and will wait to see how his behavior changes before you are willing to get back together.

I don't think this is a matter of you not having a life of your own - he's blowing you off and disregarding you in the first few months of marriage, which is a very bad sign.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to dontknownuthin again.
I agree. This is a bad sign in such a new marriage.

Young guy with a new car, probably his first. Let him enjoy himself until the novelty wears off while you find ways to enjoy yourself without him. You both can make a few simple adjustments like letting you know when he will be late, and some agreement on "HIS" time, your time, and together time. There are many healthy adult things to do besides party you know. Find a few that fit you, and enjoy them.

This is no longer about feelings, its about communicating. That's how you work together and make the right adjustments without being pushy. Keep talking, keep working, and define better behavior for you both. See this as the first of many challenges to work through.

Bet an older wiser woman to vent to would help, a mom, an aunt, a friend. Know someone like that?