Ask Me Help Desk - Depressed, borderline suicidal, what do I do?

I need help.

Problem is, I already have a lot of help. I have my parents - well meaning, but effectively useless. I have a psychologist. I'm on antidepressants. And I don't particularly want to kill myself, but if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd probably throw a party.

I've been depressed for over five years, probably since before I started high school, but no one noticed until about a year ago, when I got so bad I literally couldn't make myself get out of bed to go to uni, so I failed my first year. My mother's a doctor, and my family's a genetic time bomb when it comes to mental illness, so I've got a good doctor and the whole shebam.

Because I've been depressed for so long, I've been withdrawing socially since
Then, and the few friends I do have I don't want to tell. I know I'm a burden. I don't know what I'm remotely interested in because at the time I just didn't care. I still live with my family, but I think they're part of the problem. I want to move out, but I don't have the basic skills to function on my own, like ever having a job, and I'm scared less that anyone I apply to will see how useless I am. Sometimes it's all I can do to hide in my room and wish the world away.

My family's getting fed up with me being depressed, and I can't make them see how bad I feel - and even if I could tell them, I don't think it would help. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed the textbook treatment. I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself.

I'm so lost, I don't know what to do.

Tell us more about the genetic time bomb. Also, do you feel that your parents 'love' has been measured by your success or failure (don't want to put words in your mouth).

I have been in your shoes but don't want to try to turn you into me.

What do you do all day? And how old are you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Tell us more about the genetic time bomb. Also, do you feel that your parents 'love' has been measured by your success or failure (don't want to put words in your mouth).

I have been in your shoes but don't want to try to turn you into me.

Thanks for responding so quickly. I didn't want to get into it, because it just makes me think someone whould have noticed I was depressed sooner, but here's the summarised version:

My little brother has asperger's syndrome. All four of my grandparents, and both my parents, have had depression at some point in their life. One of my grandmothers was bipolar - the other has been in and out of rehab for alcohol addiction, and I'm pretty sure at one point she was anorexic. My mum refuses to talk about her father, so while I'm not sure what was going on there, chances are he was probably a little screwy in the head. My dad's probably on the autism spectrum, though he's not nearly as bad as my brother. The lot of us have ADHD. I know some of these things aren't genetic, but there is some genetic predisposition.

My brother's always needed a lot of attention, because he just doesn't get some things, like why it's not okay to scream in public, or why he shouldn't be spending ten hours a day in the school holidays studying when he's only in year nine. In comparison, I've been pretty low maintenance up until when I crashed, about fourteen months ago. I know my parents love me unconditionally, but I know they're disappointed and on the verge of giving up on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What do you do all day? And how old are you?

I'm nearly twenty. I do a lot of the cooking and cleaning at home, because my parents work stupidly long hours and my brother refuses to do anything more complicated than icecream. I had a herb garden, but we went overseas recently and several recent heatwaves have killed everything except the rosemary. Some days, I see friends. Other than that, I do a lot of reading, some writing, and surfing the net. Recently, I've been spending a lot of time preparing for uni.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dazed8confused

Recently, I've been spending a lot of time preparing for uni.

And what does that entail? Do you have one in mind?

Parents with a family history of depression who love you unconditionally shouldn't be giving up on you, nor disappointed. The fact that your mother is a doctor, with depression in her past, says a lot. Perhaps she is trying to simply will you to not get depressed, to just deny it like she did (or whatever she did).
I know very well that when you are depressed, it's very easy to magnify the disappointment of those around you. Each little sigh or glazed over look or turn away if you are talking is a sure sign. You are afraid to be depressed, basically, because not only does it drag others down but they get tired of it. At least that is how I always saw it. Even my therapist. I needed constant assurance that sitting there crying wasn't going to ruin his day. I glommed on to one who was almost insufferably cheerful and optimistic.

If you aren't in school, not even 1 or 2 courses, and don't have a job, you are rubbing salt in your wounds. One little part time job, one little course, even a course not at uni but some adult ed place, is a start. Hang out at the library, bring a book to a coffee shop. Walk a neighbor's dog. Get out of that house!

I'm sure you know the routine about suicidal. Are you at the musing stage, heavy thinking stage, or planning stage, and can you tell a therapist or parent or call an ambulance in the middle of the night.

As Wondergirl mentions to certain people who post here, you write well. Can you proofread papers for ESL students at uni? Can you write about your brother's Aspergers?

Would you consider helping out here? I found this site when I had an electrical question about installing a new cooktop myself.

EDIT: I see your response above about preparing for uni, but I'll leave this as is.

Joy beat me to it -- you're a good writer (and I might have a writing task for you for our site blog).

I'm married to a guy with Asperger's and have an autistic son. Is your little brother subject to temper tantrums? Has he been receiving any help and direction for the Asperger's?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Parents with a family history of depression who love you unconditionally shouldn't be giving up on you, nor disappointed. The fact that your mother is a doctor, with depression in her past, says a lot. Perhaps she is trying to simply will you to not get depressed, to just deny it like she did (or whatever she did).
I know very well that when you are depressed, it's very easy to magnify the disappointment of those around you. Each little sigh or glazed over look or turn away if you are talking is a sure sign. You are afraid to be depressed, basically, because not only does it drag others down but they get tired of it. At least that is how I always saw it. Even my therapist. I needed constant assurance that sitting there crying wasn't going to ruin his day. I glommed on to one who was almost insufferably cheerful and optimistic.

If you aren't in school, not even 1 or 2 courses, and don't have a job, you are rubbing salt in your wounds. One little part time job, one little course, even a course not at uni but some adult ed place, is a start. Hang out at the library, bring a book to a coffee shop. Walk a neighbor's dog. Get out of that house!

I'm sure you know the routine about suicidal. Are you at the musing stage, heavy thinking stage, or planning stage, and can you tell a therapist or parent or call an ambulance in the middle of the night.

As Wondergirl mentions to certain people who post here, you write well. Can you proofread papers for ESL students at uni? Can you write about your brother's Aspergers?

Would you consider helping out here? I found this site when I had an electrical question about installing a new cooktop myself.

EDIT: I see your response above about preparing for uni, but I'll leave this as is.

Thanks for your insight. I think you're probably right about my mum - she does seem to do that a lot. It might explain why she works so much.

Suicide still doesn't feel like a valid option for me - there would be just too many consequences. Most of the time, it's just a vague musing. Only on really bad days do I actually seriously consider it, which might be a problem. I'd probably never get around to planning it - it would be spur of the moment.

I've never considered proofreading for ESL or writing about my brother's Asperger's. The problem with that is, he doesn't only have Asperger's, but ADHD and anxiety, both of which he takes medicine for, and some of the medicine has backlash when he comes off it. Sometimes it's hard to draw the line between which is causing what.

I wouldn't mind helping out on this site. What would it entail?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Joy beat me to it -- you're a good writer (and I might have a writing task for you for our site blog).

I'm married to a guy with Asperger's and have an autistic son. Is your little brother subject to temper tantrums? Has he been receiving any help and direction for the Asperger's?

My brother does have temper tantrums - though to be fair, he's much better than he used to be. Or maybe the rest of us have become better at picking up the warning signs, and backing off.

He does have a lot of help - he goes to a really supportive school, and has a great therapist. He is much better, but still, really, it's a work in progress. At least, it's an exercise in patience.

But he does still have tantrums. Generally, I'm not the recipient, but they still happen. Actually, it's the lecturing that's been driving me around the bend. I'm not sure if that's an aspect of the Asperger's or just his personality, though.

I wasn't sure who to post this to, but I'll happily give writing here a shot. I don't know how much time I'll have when I start uni, and as my house is currently undergoing renovations, in the next few weeks I'll be relocating to the living room couch. Still, I have about a month until that, and I'm game. What did you have in mind?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dazed8confused

Actually, it's the lecturing that's been driving me around the bend. I'm not sure if that's an aspect of the Asperger's or just his personality, though.

Aspies are known to be "little professor" types who ramble on and on about something that fascinates them. My husband's thing is computers and electronics. What's your brother's special interest?

Quote:

Still, I have about a month until that, and I'm game. What did you have in mind?

Right now, I'm trying to get members to write essays on "my favorite place" -- country, city, room in the house, favorite chair, whatever. Click on the link in my "signature" for the blog. Send your essay to me via PM, 200-800+ words, and I will gently edit if necessary and add images.