I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and have yet to really meet his 2 out of 3 kids. His youngest is 4yrs old so he is easy. The other two are 14 & 9... The 14yr old apparently hates me... and the 9yr old just follows the 14yr old. Ive never been in a relationship with this kind of drama.

He was with his ex for 18 years. They never married. We are both not really sure how to handle this situation. I think he's afraid to piss off his teenage daughter, but I personally think he needs to put his foot down and make her come around. By the way, we also live together and I have a 6yr old daughter that lives with us full time.

Help please! I need to know how to deal with this in the right manner.

Sometimes it takes more than 7 months to get kids use to daddy's new girl. Don'tpush it, and let him handle his own kids. Married or not, they already have a mom, and they may well see you as trying to replace her.The important thing is be patient, and work together to bring them around slowly.

Thank you! I don't want to be that pushy girlfriend and ends up annoying him instead. Its just difficult because my daughter is involved 100%, and his kids aren't... Just makes me kind of sad. But I do understand how hard this must be on his kids... so again thank you. It helps to get an outside opinion :)

7 months is not very long, I dated almost a year before she even meet my son. I wanted to be sure of a serious relationship.

But put his foot down?? Would that work with you if he "PUT HIS FOOT DOWN"

AT some point he will have to just move on against wishes of the chlldren or you will be a part time girl friend, for the next 14 years or so

You should have met the kids before you moved in, and they should have been prepared for it by spending some time with the two of you as a couple before this move was made. Why are you anticipating that they are going to be aweful before they've even met you?

I never said it was going to be aweful!! Geeezzz! I just want all of us to be HAPPY!

This is just going to take time! And I'm OK with waiting... It gets frustrating at times, but I have my own daughter to worry about and care for, so when it happens it happens. No more pressure from me.I know that we probably should have done things a bit different, but what is done is done.. . Thanks to everyone for your feed back.

You may have to accept that the older kids may never come around, especially the teen. Fourteen is a tough age, and being forced to accept that their father is not only dating someone other than their mother, but also living with her, and taking care of her child, is a tough pill to swallow without preparation. Even with preparation it would be tough.

These are his kids. He can't put his foot down and force them to like you, it doesn't work that way. They have no reason to trust you right now, they don't know you. Show them that you're not there to take their mothers place, that you're not there to take away the love of their father, and then give them time. But don't expect them to instantly like you, that's not likely to happen, if it ever does.

You may have to learn to accept that his children will never accept you. That may be the reality you'll have to face.

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Originally Posted by tarag81

i never said it was going to be aweful!!! Geeezzz! I just want all of us to be HAPPY!

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Because you said this - which sounds like you're expectation is that it's going to be a huge problem:

"I think he's afraid to piss off his teenage daughter, but I personally think he needs to put his foot down and make her come around."

Sorry if I misunderstood...

That said, here's what I'd recommend:

First, you need to meet each other in a low-key situation like a barbecue or a trip to an amusement park or something, maybe bowling. Having an activity can make things less awkward as the focus can be on the activity until you're more comfortable together.

Second, you need to have guidelines between yourself and the father. Such as, you are co-head of the household so have equal authority to make rules in the house and ask all the kids to help out and so on, but if there's push-back, you both have to agree to back the other one up and be the disciplinarian and enforcer with your own kids. If the kids don't live with you, other than picking up after themselves, there shouldn't really be many more chores - they shouldn't come for the weekend and be expected to do a bunch of chores, for example. But to make their beds, shower, put their own dishes in the , help set the table - that's reasonable.

You need to back up their mother, even if you don't like her. If you can't because she's abusive or something, you need to stay out of it and let their father handle the matter. But if Mom says, "Tiffany is grounded - she needs to study English and get rid of that D to get off grounding", don't take precious Tiffy to the mall. Also, never put the mother down - to the children, to their father, to anyone. Disrespect a parent and you disrespect their child. Think what you want, but you are one person who should not voice negatives about the kid's mom. Feel free to say complimentary things about their mom, such as, "wow, your mom MADE that prom dress? What a great talent! It's beautiful on you!"

Also, don't try to be a mom. Don't try to push your values on the kids. Suggest to your boyfriend if you have an idea, but it needs to be presented as his idea.

On the other side, you don't have to be a doormat. You can expect a level of respect and courtesy - just be calm about it. Your boyfriend should expect the same of your kids, and you have to back each other up.

It's not always terrible - my ex is remarried, all the kids get along, I like the kids and I like how his wife treats my son - no problem.

I think his 9 yr old will come around. He already said he would, its just going to take some time. His 14 yr old you she may never. And you she may never like me either. I get it. But I'm good person and good mother to my own child. And I know if she would just give this a chance it could turn out OK. But I don't want to force anything. Unfortunately my boyfriend has kind of turned his back and neglected his children since they split so they already feel left out and uninlovled. I can only say and do so much, because in the end its his choices not mine. He says he is having a hard time trying to make everyone happy. I don't know people... its complicated for sure! I am trying my best to be supportive and help when he asks...

May I suggest that he take them out someplace nearby, and you and your daughter meet them near the end? That way he gets time with them to let them know he still cares and does love them. You could 'stage' it so that you and your daughter had to do something first, like the dentist or something not so fun, and are glad you could meet them for 20 minutes, and hope it will be longer the next time. Even time at the house could be limited at first to a very specific one or two hours. Of course I don't know how far away they are...

It's only complicated as you make it. You meet his kids, take your time getting to know them. If the kids need time to warm up to you, you give them the time and space to do it. In he meantime, their father sets expectations to treat you respectfully, and you be sensitive to their needs and don't try to be a third parent. Over time, barriers are broken, trust is won. The kids will come to understand that you're not trying to replace their mother and that you are not against or competing with their mother, and they will come around.

I don't personally believe in getting caught up in the anticipation of drama. If it starts up, you deal with it as it comes. No yelling, crying, lost tempers - remain the calm and friendly, reasonable adult and misbehavior by the kids is understood as an adjustment to a new family situation, and just managed as disrespect of an adult, not blown out of proportion by the adults.