My 43 year old daughter is divorcing after 20 years of marriage. They have 3 teenage sons. Although, her husband caused initial problem by seeing another woman, her sister and I saw it coming as my daughter was involved in her career and left the children and caring for the house up to her husband. She immediately took up with another man (which I feel was in retaliation). Now they are battling it out financially in court. We love our son-in-law as he was otherwise a wonderful husband, loves his family and does not want a divorce. My daughter feels we should not talk to him and we are not supporting her. The other day, my grandson was at my house and texted his dad to stop by before he returned to college as he wanted to say goodbye. My daughter walked in and caused a huge scene. She was livid and my 20 year old grandson was in tears. She swore at me and pointed her finger in my face and told me I better tell her husband to leave or she would never talk to me again. I really felt like she was going to hit me. I did not want to further upset my grandsons so she stomped out. I fear she will never talk to me again however my husband says she owes me an apoligy after the way she spoke to me.

I'm not sure she owes you anything.
You made it clear here in a few sentences that you blame her for immersing herself in her career and letting her husband be house husband, which by extension blames her for her husband's infidelity, which I don't follow at all. Countless men and women stay home and don't have affairs. It's really none of your (nor her sister's) business, certainly NOT defending someone who had an affair by blaming the breadwinner for being a breadwinner.
THEN you also say you love him, implying that you are defending him, because he's been such a good husband and loves the kids. That is something you keep between you and him!
We don't know what hand you had in the phone call to the dad, nor if it was a last straw, or if it was preceded by more opinions that were slanted toward being in favor of him and unsupportive of her.
I realize that it isn't easy to stay uninvolved, but your question seems to be should she apologize? No, I think you and her sister should apologize to her.
All this is irrespective of what exactly went on with his affair, her affair, and how the break up happened. She's your DAUGHTER.

Oh and you never know, had you and her sister been actually supportive and caring and listening, perhaps she would have melted a little and been able to forgive him, and they'd be still together.

I think you really need to embrace your daughter here. Apologize to her and let her know that you love her and will help her and the boys through this. Make sure to get some professional counseling for the whole family. Maybe through a local Christian Church.

We have embraced our daughter from day one. Although I refused to mind the boys when she was still married and went away weekends with her new boyfriend, and also had to refuse her when she asked for $7500 for her lawyer (I am newly retired) I guess my orignal email did not get it right. What exactly am I supposed to apoligize for? We are Christians and my daughter was also. She no longer goes to church. I do not push this on her as I know she is going though a lot. Her new boyfriend uses fowl language and I suppose that is why she now does too. We tell her over and over that our concern is truly with her and the boys. I worry she will lose them as they have gravitated to the father due to the boyfriend who they do not accept.

I have to disagree with the other posters. She brought this man into your lives, married him, had children with him, and now she wants him gone. That doesn't mean that he is no longer the father of her children, your grandchildren. He will still be in her life, and his children's lives, whether she likes it or not.

She's acting like a child, and doing a great disservice to her children by acting like this. She needs to understand that just because she doesn't want him, doesn't mean that everyone else has to disown him.

I guess it comes down to how much you want him in your life. Who is more important? Since you can't change how she feels, you have to decide if you want her, or your son-in-law, in your lives. Sadly that's the choice she's given you It shouldn't be that way, but it is what it is, she's being unreasonable in my opinion.

You daughter said she didn't want you to even be talking with him? Unfortunately, she is telling you that, right now, it's either him or her!
If you want to see your daughter again, please stop talking with your "ex-son in law". They are going through a lot, and she really doesn't need you "passifying" her soon to be ex-husband. I agree with her. Good luck.

The way I see this, you blame your daughter for driving your son-in-law into the arms of another woman. Clearly, your daughter is aware of your feelings and holds it against you. Frankly, I don't blame her for that. However she treated her husband she did not deserve to be cheated on. If he felt that he wasn't getting what he needed from her, he should have asked for counseling or a divorce rather than cheat

On the other hand, just because she is divorcing him does not mean he is no longer a part of the family. And she needs to deal with that fact.

I agree with your husband, she owes you an apology for rude, mean behavior, and she will answer to her own kids for her actions. I doubt her kids who are old enough to make decisions will side with her either, at least not completely, and it doesn't matter at all, because it's their business to work out while you stay out of it.

You cannot support an unreasonable a$$hole, even if you have given birth to them. And you don't have to take crap off them either. Hurt feelings is hardly an excuse for bad behavior, or putting her family in the middle of her BS!!

Leave her alone to get over herself. Maybe he cool off, maybe she won't, but don't fret over this, she is having a hard time it seems right now.

Giving you an ultimatum between him or her is very childish.

Unfortunately this puts you between a rock and a hard place and it's not your fault.

I also realize that tension is running high. She is saying things I'm sure she does not mean.

I do believe based off your story that she miss handled this.

The only thing I can say is give her some time and hopefully she'll come to realize that she was wrong in this matter.

I can't get this sentence out of my mind:
"Although, her husband caused inital problem by seeing another woman, her sister and I saw it coming as my daughter was involved in her career and left the children and caring for the house up to her husband."
If each WOMAN in the US had an affair because she stayed home with the kids, would you forgive her and say you saw it coming? COME ON. How sexist can you get.
I've also had my fill of Christianity this week, used to condemn.

I would NOT loan your daughter any money for the lawyer. She is an adult with what sounds like a pretty good job. Im sure she can find a way to come up with $7500.00.
Now that you've explained the situation a little more sounds like your daughter needs to understand that the ex husband is simply going to be a part of the family no matter what and she has to learn to work with that and keep the boys thoughts/feelings before others.