Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend lied repeatedly and I still want him back. Is this feeling normal?

Hi there,

I am not sure what to do. My boyfriend of 3 years and I seemed to have it all. We talked daily, did so much with each others families, supported each other through our successes and downfalls and in general had a really good time together. I thought our relationship was built to last but in the end his lies became too obvious that it was almost impossible for me to trust him again as much as I wanted to. Since the time I broke up with him (which was one and a half months ago) I have missed him terribly and have wanted our old life back. However, I know at the same time that if he is a compulsive liar there is no way he will change unless he is truly willing to make the change.

The first time he lied to me about something major I worked hard at forgiving him and restoring my trust with him and I successfully did so. But then there were so many inconsistencies in his stories afterwards that he made me believe he couldn't possibly want me that badly if he was aware of the pain I was feeling and not doing anything to correct the behaviour. Even though I came to my senses and ended it I still want to be with him and talk to him although I have stopped talking to him since the new year. Any advice on how to get over these feelings I'm having so I can seek a more healthy frame of mind?

I am slightly disappointed in myself for having these reoccurring thoughts of being with him. Thank you!

"I am slightly disappointed in myself for having these reoccurring thoughts of being with him." Stop beating yourself up. That is normal and to be expected.

When we break off from the one we love, we start just remembering the good times and none of the bad. People have patterns of behaviors and you know his completely. Lying is wrong on so many levels, especially if it is to a person you have a relationship with.

Going backwards in life is something I never do. You deserve better than him. Me thinks you would be more than slightly disappointed in yourself if you go backwards.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"I am slightly disappointed in myself for having these reoccurring thoughts of being with him." Stop beating yourself up. That is normal and to be expected.

When we break off from the one we love, we start just remembering the good times and none of the bad. People have patterns of behaviors and you know his completely. Lying is wrong on so many levels, especially if it is to a person you have a relationship with.

Going backwards in life is something I never do. You deserve better than him. Me thinks you would be more than slightly disappointed in yourself if you go backwards.

Thank you so much for your immediate response. You're right... I need to stop beating myself up for something that only he had the power of controlling. I just feel guilty for dwelling on this as if there's no tomorrow. I have never dealt with such a horrible breakup before and perhaps I'm just experiencing that for the first time. I know I must move forward and hence why I have stopped all contact with my ex (even though he is still calling, texting and leaving voice messages on occasion). It's very hard to resist when he wants to stay in touch but I already told him from the get go when we first broke up that there was no way to maintain a friendship with him, especially when not too long ago I planned to marry him. Plus I think it would be unfair for him to keep me in his life if he eventually moves on and has a new girlfriend. However, he has not taken my words seriously. I think he thinks I'm weak and gullible and eventually will give in and be his friend. Apart from the fact that I'm sure he misses me too, I think the main reason he wants me to remain a part of his life so he can get the gratification he wants from knowing I am not completely over him. To me it's just an ego boost for him but I feel to own the power and be in control of my life I am not willing to hand that over so easily. He has to realize that when I said I didn't want to be friends, I meant it.

It is usually a good idea to keep to one thread, even though it's slightly different.
You might be still wondering (and hurt) about why he lied to you and you can't let go until you know. Do you know if he is a chronic liar or not? Did he ever give you a clue why he lied?
It might be something neurotically unconnected to you at all, such as a father who always lied to his mother and he knew it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

It is usually a good idea to keep to one thread, even though it's slightly different.
You might be still wondering (and hurt) about why he lied to you and you can't let go til you know. Do you know if he is a chronic liar or not? Did he ever give you a clue why he lied?
It might be something neurotically unconnected to you at all, such as a father who always lied to his mother and he knew it.

Thanks. I know the root of his problem yes and it starts with what happened to him as a child. Since that time he has always felt compelled to keep secrets and bottle up a lot of emotions because of this traumatic past. It's a way of protecting himself from vulnerability and possibly more hurt. However, this doesn't excuse the fact he let the "love of his life" go with his constant lying. This is a fundamental reason for him lying but I believe it is chronic and even with therapy, it will take years to overcome.

Sorry... I forgot to post the above comment separately.

He has been lying since age 9.

I guess what I don't understand is why agree to having an open, honest relationship and promise the other person you want to be everything they deserve and then turn around with more lies and throw away 3 years together. He did this just days prior to the breakup which made me think there was no hope of him changing. I don't believe his lying is intentional or malicious, but I do believe it is habitual.

That's not true love, is it? I mean to promise things and then constantly lie and hurt the person you're with?

There's the additional factor that he hasn't had a job since he graduated, while you have, and a lot more. That can lead to lying by just about anyone. He might feel inadequate around you for no fault of yours.

Good point. I never looked at it that way (I guess because I have never considered myself better than anyone else. I'm just living my life the way I want to live it.) He had a job in construction but it wasn't a stable one. He went back to take a few kinesiology courses at university to no avail. It wasn't as if he made absolutely no efforts but the efforts he was making weren't enough to sustain his longterm goals. I suppose he needed more encouragement and direction.

What has he lied about? Lying at age 9 is normal, but when kids lie, the parents step in and use it as an opportunity to teach better behavior. If had poor parenting he may not have learned this.

If he goes to counseling and overcomes this behavior, then you could consider getting back with him, but not before. And it also depends on what he lied about - lying about an affair, drugs, criminal behavior - the behaviors behind the lies would be life-long deal breakers for me. But if he exaggerates an accomplishment or something like that, I think if he worked through the behavior and matured, and all other things were good (not the not working and so on... but if he was generally mature and responsible), another chance might be in order.

Thanks for the response dontknownuthin!

He lied about many things. Before the relationship got started and were were really good friends he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend at the time (he said he was going to Winnipeg on a trip to visit family which was true but he also left out the main part that he was there to reconcile with his girlfriend and give their relationship one last shot). He claims he started liking me in this time but he never made his feelings clear to me in this time and nothing happened. He was loyal to his girlfriend at the time but he still omitted part of the truth to his story

The first year of our relationship flew by and went smoothly. But then one day, midway in conversation he asks, "you know I love you and I don't want to keep any secrets from you?" I asked him what he meant. He revealed he had been getting together with a female friend he had known from high school for a few months, once or twice a month at a time. Of course the first question I asked is if he cheated on me to which he said "no". He would never do that to me because he loves me deeply and knows what it feels like to be cheated on and he'd never inflict that same pain on someone else. He said he wouldn't be surprised if I broke up with him at that point. I decided to stick it out though because he had always proven to be good to be up until that point. I completely got over it and restored my trust in him. It wasn't until the last 5 months of our relationship I noticed other lies that made me reevaluate the situation with the girl. The first time I asked how long he had been getting together with her he said a few months, then the second time I asked (because I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't telling me the truth) he said he didn't remember and the third time just a month before the breakup he said an entire year! I couldn't believe it because he hid it so well from me. We'd talk on the phone every day and I never detected a lie on his end. He never mentioned her once except the odd time when he was telling me she was having guy problems. The nerve! Anyway, to make a long story short (I could go on and on about other small lies and white lies as well) he gave me the impression he severed all ties with this woman. I thought it weird because she was a really good friend of his. Why stop all the contact with her all of a sudden if you're so close? Secondly, if it were really that innocent, why keep it a secret for so long? Surely there was something to hide? Then 2 days before we broke up I asked him one last time to be honest with me. "Are you still talking to her?" He told me "of course. We've known each other since Grade 7). Then I asked him why he told me a straight no a few days prior. After everything that was discussed and how he knew he hurt me, he still continued to talk to her. That really insulted me because he didn't ask how that would make me feel. So now what do you think? Justifiable right? I shouldn't want him back. Why would I after he did that to me? I suppose most women would leave him, wouldn't they?

Sorry for the long reply. It's a long story! He never elaborated anything about his accomplishments though. It was always silly things like what he talked about with his friend, things that happened in the past that he wasn't willing to share, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

What has he lied about? Lying at age 9 is normal, but when kids lie, the parents step in and use it as an opportunity to teach better behavior. If had poor parenting he may not have learned this.

If he goes to counseling and overcomes this behavior, then you could consider getting back with him, but not before. And it also depends on what he lied about - lying about an affair, drugs, criminal behavior - the behaviors behind the lies would be life-long deal breakers for me. But if he exaggerates an accomplishment or something like that, I think if he worked through the behavior and matured, and all other things were good (not the not working and so on...but if he was generally mature and responsible), another chance might be in order.

My response is long so read it only if you are willing! :)

His parents didn't learn about his tragic childhood ordeal until after we broke up. He decided it was the best time to come clean about it so therefore how could they help him? They didn't know their kid went through such emotional trauma. It's very unfortunate.