Ask Me Help Desk - He had an affair.. do I give him a 2nd chance?

My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs. Married for 14 yrs. We have four beautiful kids together. About a year and 1/2 ago. He lost his dad and his job a month later. He wouldn't talk to me about any of it. Then I find out he was talking to a girl off Craig's list. He said it was just a friend to talk to. And said that he would never talk to her again. And that nothing happened. About two weeks went by and I checked the cell phone records. And yes he was still talking with her and then it came out that he cheated. I'm a stay at home mom. I still love him. I want my family! But I don't know how to get over this! Help!

UGH! CHEATING!!

"He wouldn't talk to me about any of it." - What is that about? Is he willing to go to couple's counseling? Be totally transparent? No password on email, cell phone, etc?

I respect your wanting your family. I am not sure I could stay together after what you have been through. And seriously, what a selfish act for the kids to have to deal with.

Sometimes good people do bad things because they aren't getting what they need from the people they love. If you aren't giving him enough time to or space or what ever it is that he expects to need during a time of hardship, he may try to get it from somewhere else.

Perhaps this girl offered a release and solace when he needed some that he wasn't getting from you or home. Maybe he really did try to sit and talk with you or have a peaceful moment where things like children, work, school, and money didn't come out on the table but it just wasn't happening because something else seemingly more important happened.

I bet it was a mistake on his part, sometimes it's easier to confide in someone you don't know and do things with them you know you shouldn't because you feel that you can't even with the person you should be doing things with.

Personally... I'd forgive him. My policy with my boyfriend was always this in regards to cheating: as long as you're sorry, you promise never to do it again, that things must have been really tough and I couldn't realize that in time... just don't cheat again. I will find a way to eventually let go that he cheated, but I will never forgive an affair where he has had the opportunity to confess but did not and purposefully hid it from me. But if he did it once... make sure he knows that it will take time to forgive if he really wants your forgiveness. He probably wants something from you that you're not giving to him since he recently went through hardships. Ask him what he expects from you and wants a little more of from you, and be sure to tell him what you expect of him and want a little more of from him.

Breaking things off and forgetting is easy, forgiveness is strength. He may not be a bad person, he may just be a really really good guy who made some bad decisions

I see that two major stress factors had happened one after the other… and he sort to escape these pressures and feelings/grief via the internet; a place to avoid reality and get validation/support for his failing ego (lose of work), so to speak… Yet, prior to his father passing away etc; how were his demeanour, relationship and communication with you?

I understand that you want your family and there are women prepared to forgive and try to get over this violation to their marriage and children… It's easy for others to say; leave him and why stay, but when there's human emotion involved its complicated sure enough!

Here I would suggest an all out open discussion with your husband in a calm manner, as to why he feels he cannot talk to you about any of these things… Pending on his response; I'd follow up with some counselling for either both of you and or individually. I'd also send him to a clinic to get checked for Sexually Transmitted Disease.

Take Care

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbhl

sometimes good people do bad things because they aren't getting what they need from the people they love. If you aren't giving him enough time to or space or what ever it is that he expects to need during a time of hardship, he may try to get it from somewhere else.

Perhaps this girl offered a release and solace when he needed some that he wasn't getting from you or home. Maybe he really did try to sit and talk with you or have a peaceful moment where things like children, work, school, and money didn't come out on the table but it just wasn't happening because something else seemingly more important happened.

I bet it was a mistake on his part, sometimes it's easier to confide in someone you don't know and do things with them you know you shouldn't because you feel that you can't even with the person you should be doing things with.

Personally....I'd forgive him. My policy with my boyfriend was always this in regards to cheating: as long as you're sorry, you promise never to do it again, that things must have been really tough and I couldn't realize that in time...just don't cheat again. I will find a way to eventually let go that he cheated, but I will never forgive an affair where he has had the opportunity to confess but did not and purposefully hid it from me. But if he did it once...make sure he knows that it will take time to forgive if he really wants your forgiveness. He probably wants something from you that you're not giving to him since he recently went through hardships. Ask him what he expects from you and wants a little more of from you, and be sure to tell him what you expect of him and want a little more of from him.

Breaking things off and forgetting is easy, forgiveness is strength. He may not be a bad person, he may just be a really really good guy who made some bad decisions

In a way it's the forgiving that is easy.
The forgeting that is the hard part.

The 1st. Line.
I do agree with.
He may have just needed to talk to someone that does not know him.
But! It did not have to go this far.

He may need some professional counceling, a mental health provider, preist, reverend,
That someone that does not know him from the very beginning.

I am just going by what you said.
You can try to talk to him and let him know that you know what is going on.
And that you do not like it at all.
And if he needs someone to talk to.
To come to you and together the both you can work something out.
Or find someone he can talk to.

Thank you all! You guys really helped. I will talk some more with him.

I applaud your decision to talk with him some more about it. 16 years of being together shouldn't be thrown out over 1 incident. To have a good marriage, a counselor told me there has to be respect and honesty, which I already knew! So, if he will talk about with you, and promise to not to this again, and not talk with anyone else about sex, then I would give him another chance. If he will NOT talk about it, I would see a lawyer.
As another answer said, getting over it is the hard part. You will never forget it, but maybe in time, it will be less troublesome for you. I wish you the best of everything, and hope it all works out to keep the family together.

So he has been cheating with this woman for a year? Have him do some counseling with you, if you want to hang in there. You will need some if you decide to stay.

I don't agree with the premise that people cheat because the other person is not doing or giving something right. Some people cheat because they are just selfish. I may forgive a cheater once, but twice and he's gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

So he has been cheating with this woman for a year? Have him do some counseling with you, if you want to hang in there. You will need some if you decide to stay.

I don't agree with the premise that people cheat because the other person is not doing or giving something right. Some people cheat because they are just selfish. I may forgive a cheater once, but twice and he's gone.

"I don't agree with the premise that people cheat because the other person is not doing or giving something right. " AMEN!

"I may forgive a cheater once" - me - not so much.