I am 43 years old, my boyfriend of 5 years is 61. For the last 3 years there has been no sex. When we try he cannot get hard. He never tries to start anything. He looks at porn everyday. I found vasoline near the computer (ugh!! ) so I know he can do something.

Is he not turned on by me? He claims it is him and his diabetes plus meds. He puts off going to the doctor to find out about getting the pump. He tried viagra and all of the others on the market and they do nothing for him. Somehow I feel this is about me since obviously the vasoline by the computer indicates he can achieve something.

Can someone help me on this? Give me some insight.

Maybe he can maintain an erection to porn because there is nobody to "let down"... no performance anxiety, no inadequate feelings and so on... women are sometimes too quick to assume it is ALL about them, their looks, not doing something right etc... when it could be farther from the fact!

Hope this helps! :)

Well to be honest, if the vasoline is being used on the computer itself which I don't see what he would use it on in that way.. it only leads to another conclusion ( which I am sure you probley already figured out)
The only way you will find out what the heck is truly going on is to ask him direct, in that way maybe he might finally be upfront with you.

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He claims it is him and his diabetes plus meds.

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For one my dear is inability to perform is frustrating and embarrassing, and for another thing that you take it so personally adds to the frustration especially since given his age and health, and your attitude to make it about you, I'm surprised he doesn't run screaming for the hills. That's is not very understanding of you. Now you want him to get a pump? What other humiliation do you have in store for him? Why don't you consult with his doctor yourself, and see if alternative meds can help. Better yet buy your own toys but do you expect him to do that too. Sorry for being harsh but the one way selfish slant you put on this burns me to no end. Bet you never thought to get the Vaseline yourself and put some porn on and see what happens?

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He puts off going to the doctor to find out about getting the pump.

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Is this how you treat a 61 year old?

His age is a major factor here along with his health. If you love him and are in for the long haul then you will have no sex relationship with him. Soon you will be spoon feeding him... is that what you want? I don't think you are being selfish. It goes both ways... he has to give a little also. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It seems like you have brought the subject up to him and he has tried some alternatives... maybe different meds and/or the pump is the solution. It seems you know what he is using the vasoline for. That may seem insulting (that he would prefer his hand and porn on the net) and it's understandable why you feel the way you do. I agree with go ask mom about the reasoning for the porn/vasoline. But I also think that is selfish if that is his only solution. You are still young and shouldn't settled. You have a hard decision. I give you kudos for the three of the five years you went without. I don't think you are being one-sided. Or not very understanding. I think you have a ton of patience to have dealt with this as long as you have only to have it go unresolved. Lucky for him you waited it out this long.

It does happen, men who start having a little problem start worrying about preforming, and that worry makes it harder to perform the next time, which makes it worst the next, until they don't even want to try.

Also if he is on any medication a lot of medication men his age take causes performance issues. Next where did he get this medication he tried, from the doctor and local drug store, or something he bought off the internet ? About 1/2 of the stuff ordered online is not real or low dosage ( just in case)

He needs a full medical check up for this problem, ( which makes it harder for him also) Next after 5 years at times things get routine or boring, ( may not with you but sometimes) so new excitement can help.

With the porn, if he is adicted, that can cause him to have problems preforming also, since it is not the same fanticy

Is it fair to say he is actually accieving something with this vaseline? Has it occurred to you that he is desperatly trying to make something happen when he is alone? This doesn't mean he was successful, does it? He may be working on it alone and thinks porn might help. It could be, and it sounds to me that he really does want to be with you but he can't. If he has tried everything and viagra didn't work then he must be struggling and I think for a man in his 60's it would be awful to feel that way, especially as you are a lot younger than him and he may be feeling insecure. You should reasure him that it is OK, and not condem him for the masturbation. Masturbation is not infidelity after all.

I think you should talk to him about it, that's the only way you will really find out what's going on. Then you can decide what to do about it. Either way, you should be communicating on some level.

Perhaps he needs to see a doctor... there may be other things at work at that age. And vasolene in a drawer does not mean he masturbates alone. I for one never used vasolene in my life for that. There are plenty of other uses for it.