Did my ex boyfriend really cheat or was it just a major indiscretion on his part?
Hi there,
I am in a bit of a dilemma and I think it's because I am trying to overanalyze my personal situation too much now that things are over between me and my ex.
I broke up with him about a month and a half ago because eventually his lies caught up with him after 3 years of being with him. Let me start from the beginning so I can put this into perspective for you (sorry for the rant).
In the beginning of our friendship he had a girlfriend with whom he was going to break up with shortly. As his version of the story goes, things had been bad in their relationship for over a year and although he recognized that, he was much in denial. He believed if he stuck the situation out that things would get better. But they didn't. They got worse and he paid the consequences for it. It turned out his ex had met up with a guy in LA which she told him about to make him jealous at first. But then, the next time she went she claimed she was just there to visit family. When she came back from her trip she told him she not only cheated on him, but that she slept with the same man down there. Of course, my ex being as hurt as he was, finally broke up with her. They had dated 4 and a half years. A few months prior to that incident, he flew to Winnipeg to give his relationship one last shot. The thing is, he liked me at the time and in the course of our friendship I never knew he had a girlfriend. Instead of telling me he was seeing his girlfriend in Winnipeg, he made it sound like a casual getaway trip. Sounds sneaky doesn't it? But I'm not completely innocent here either. I never told him about my present boyfriend. It wasn't because I was attracted to my ex (I saw him only as a friend at the time) and selfishly wanted him to think I was single. I just didn't want to abandon the incredible friendship. It sounds strange, but that's how I perceived it.
One day, midway in conversation he asked me a rather bizarre question. "You know that I love you and I always want to be honest with you? I don't want to have any secrets." he said. I was kind of stunned by that comment. "What do you mean?" I replied. "Well I have been getting together with my female friend for a few months but I never told you. I will understand if you're mad and want to break up with me. You have every right to be upset. She was extremely upset when she asked me if I knew about us getting together to which I had to say no."
You see this woman is a very good friend of his from Junior High who he says he dated briefly for a week in High School but it didn't work out. Instead they remained close friends (which I knew but this was the first time I heard of him getting together with her). Of course the first question I asked was if he ever cheated on me with her. He assured me of course not, he would never take things that far because he loves me deeply and he knows what that kind of pain feels like and he'd never do that to another person. I could have easily broken up with him at this point but instead I gave him the benefit of the doubt because after all, he has always proven himself to be a good person up to this point plus it didn't sound like they got together that often. He said they had only been getting together for a few months, once or twice a month at a time. I asked him how long he would have let this go on for if it weren't for this girl telling him how wrong he was in keeping this from me. He said he didn't know. He doesn't even know why he did that. He knows I'm not the jealous type and he could have told me. He just decided not to.
I trusted my heart when I felt he was sincerely a great person who had made a major indescretion. He sounded sincere when he said he believed we had something special and he didn't want to lose me. He wanted to work hard at the relationship. It didn't take me as long as I thought to get over it. I believed 100% that he didn't cheat on me and that he just acted with stupidity. I was able to move forward from that situation and we both worked hard on our relationship. Or so it seemed. Another year passed and with him, I was more happy than ever. I saw us going places, doing more together, maybe moving in together, traveling the world, getting married and eventually having kids. The last few months that feeling was even stronger. This last year I have been wanting him to propose although at the same time I know it isn't realistic with his current circumstances. He has no career, no stable job and lack of financial responsibility. I'd probably say no for that reason alone. I was going to give myself a personal deadline that if he didn't propose in the next year or at least mention the topic of marriage I would have to break up with him. However, as time would prove, it didn't take me that long before I made my decision to finally leave him.
I honestly forgot about that incident with the girl that happened about 2 years ago. But then, my feelings about it have resurfaced in the last few months because I have either caught him in a lie or heard the truth from a third party. I have also been noticing either he takes too long to respond to a simple question that should have a simple answer, he changes his story, or he stops himself in mid sentence before he continues to speak. What did it for me is days prior to the breakup he assured me he wasn't in touch with his female friend and that nothing happened between them. He said he wasn't even attracted to her and didn't understand his reason for hiding the friendship, especially since I'm not the jealous type. I don't buy this story either because he has never in the course of our relationship introduced me to her, he has lied to me about seeing her knowing full well that he should, and if it were so innocent a friendship as he claims, then why keep it a secret from me for so long and why stop all contact with her all of a sudden if she's a really good friend? The other thing I ask is what prompted her to ask him if I knew they were getting together? Clearly, she felt something was going on that he was failing to address (obviously through the actions he was displaying to her). This tells me he felt guilty and if he felt guilty then how can his intentions be pure?
It got worse later on because days prior to the breakup I asked if he had contact with the girl after the breakup and he said no. When I asked him a few days later, 2 days before the breakup he said "of course. I've known her since Grade Seven." He also lied when I asked him how long he had been hanging out with her for. Remember he told me for a few month, once or twice a month at a time? The second time he said he didn't remember and the third time he told me an entire year! We'd talk on the phone every day and not once did he mention he saw her or spoke with her on the phone (until she was telling him one time how she was ending her 5 year relationship and was going to see someone else who she thought was interested in her.).
Of course, I never wanted to appear needy, jealous or insecure so I never searched his phone, emails, whereabouts, etc. like a private detective. I tried very hard to respect his life. I'm just wondering if someone has been in a similar situation and if they're willing to offer advice about this and if they think anything was going on. Apart from the lies he always was good to me (e.g. he picked me up and dropped me off at my house for 3 years without complaints (because I didn't have a license), took me to the clinic on his own initiative when he was concerned about my back problems, allowed me to confide in him over long discussions without complaining, supported me in my successes (despite the fact he wasn't doing so well career wise), bought me nice gifts, showed a lot of affection towards me, always told me I was the girl of his dreams, etc. Tell me, is he just that good at covering his tracks or am I being naïve in thinking he is still a great person who made some stupid moves in the relationship?
