My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years now. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. I feel as though we've had an all right marriage, it's not been perfect and we've both made a lot of mistakes, but I always thought that we could work through anything.

About a month ago, she told me she didn't love me anymore, that she didn't want me, and that she was no longer attracted to me. I won't lie, I lost it. I didn't put my hands on her but I did beat down our bedroom door from the inside. She put a restraining order on me 2 days later.

Less than a week later, before the court date, she contacted me. She told me she was sorry and that she loved me, and that she wanted to try to make things work. Then 2 weeks later, she tells me she's not sure how she feels about me again. I've been trying, I've sent her flowers at work, I've made it a point to try and talk to her, I've done everything I can think of, but she refuses to tell me what is going on.

I'm confused and hurt and angry and all I want is some kind of answers. Can you please help me?

Maybe she has found someone else and is confused about what she really wants?

Either way, it is not healthy for you to be in a situation where you are pulled one way and then days later pulled another way.

Is she seeing someone?

She swears she hasn't met anyone else, butwhen this all started, I found out she was talking to a guy she grew up with. I read some or rather all of their messages, and it seemed that while she instigated, he never reciprocated. ShesShesays that she doesn't want me to leave, because she's afraie that she'll decide she still wants me, and I'll have moved on.

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Originally Posted by lonelyhusband

She swears she hasn't met anyone else, butwhen this all started, I found out she was talking to a guy she grew up with. I read some or rather all of their messages, and it seemed that while she instigated, he never reciprocated. ShesShesays that she doesn't want me to leave, because she's afraie that she'll decide she still wants me, and I'll have moved on.

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She can't have it both ways. You've put yourself out recently. Find things to do with your time, like volunteer work, hanging out with friends, etc. Don't sit around pining away.

I was divorced after 8 yrs of marriage, with 2 small boys, going with their mom. I know how you must feel, cause I felt just like you are talking about.
Please give her a little more time, like maybe a couple of months or so, and see if anything changes. Talk with a lawyer if she continues with what she is doing and saying. You can only take so much, and hopefully, she will come to her senses. If not, then please see a lawyer, and move out, or tell her to move out, depending on your lawyer's advice.

Suggest that you live apart for a bit, but start going to counseling to try to work out the issues.
** get the restraining order lifted first.

I have seen some women trick the man into coming to see them, then call police on the restraining order, to give them better chance in court

She lifted the order on the court date. I've thought about leaving, just to give her what she claims she wants, but then I remember that I have nowhere to go. I gave up all my friends because she didn't like them, and she wouldn't quit overdrafting our account to save her life. So I hqve no friends and no credit. I could have used my last check to do it, but I was hell bent on making sure she knew how special she was to me and the whole things gone now. And she doesn't even seem to care. I'd like to thank all of you for your insight, you've kept me busy for a little while. You've kept me from bothering her at work and helped me to give her some space, not enough space, I'm sure but space just the same.

So now what?

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Originally Posted by lonelyhusband

She lifted the order on the court date. I've thought about leaving, just to give her what she claims she wants, but then I remember that I have nowhere to go. I gave up all my friends because she didn't like them, and she wouldn't quit overdrafting our account to save her life. So I hqve no friends and no credit. I could have used my last check to do it, but I was hell bent on making sure she knew how special she was to me and the whole things gone now. And she doesn't even seem to care. I'd like to thank all of you for your insight, you've kept me busy for a little while. You've kept me from bothering her at work and helped me to give her some space, not enough space, I'm sure but space just the same.

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Volunteer! Takes up time and makes you feel better about yourself. You may even make some friends!

Do you have children with wife? Is your aggressive behavior a problem?

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Originally Posted by Thirdtime

Do you have children with wife? Is your aggressive behavior a problem?

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Yes, we have three kids, and I'm not usually so aggressive. I do have a temper, and I have been known to yell, I've even put a few holes in sheetrock, but I'm not like that very often. Well, not the violent part, I do yell a lot. Things have actually gotten better since I posted my question. I think what she really needed, was just for me to be there for her. Maybe not have all the answers, but just be there. The night I posted that, I went to pick her up from work at her request. She told me she wanted me to give her some no strings attached sex, I told her that I couldn't do that, that therenwould always be strings when it came to her. She softened some then. About 6 a.m. the next day, neither of us had slept yet, and we hadn't had sex, she got a toothache. I brought her pain pills and let her squeeze my hand when it was throbbing pain. When the meds didn't work, I took her to the er, where I held her hand and stayed next to her the whole time. When the Dr. gave hera lidocaine injection in her mouth, I let her squeeze my hand so hard that I thought she would break it. I think she just needed to know how much I cared. Not just know that I did care, but know that no matter what, if she needed me, I was going to be there for her. Things have been much better since Saturday evening when I posted that question. I hope that if anyone else is going through something similar, that they can read this and make the changes that are necessary to make their relationship better. It has to start with you. You're both waiting on each other to make the first move, and it's slowly slipping away. Man up. If you love her, show her. If you want her, fight for her. Don't give up until you've given it your everything.

Maybe the whole point was to get you to quit yelling and be more in control of yourself. At least I hope those are some of the changes you use to fight for her love. I think that would show her as much as being there.

Have you done the Bedroom door yet? I mean changed it?
I think even if you patched it up will still bear the scars of that horrible night,the yelling,the violent,the aggressiveness,the abuse, a stark reminder of the old frightening person inside you. She may felt all of these everyday at opening and seeing the door when coming out of bedroom.
Therefore I think is best to get it off and put a new one back on.These would be part of the wonderful changes you're making in your relationship and yourself.