Omgosh where do I start? Well here goes... My husband works with his family so he sees them everyday even rides to work with them. His family are not umm what's the nice way to say it... clean nor do they have manners. His mom is OK but she's overbearing still treats my 27 year old husband like her little boy. Drives me insane she calls him EVERY morning to make sure he is on his way to meet them and ride to work. Yesterday we were embracing while she called ugh. His dad is a horrible person to be around he's rude and orders my husband around when we visit, and his sister just had a baby and now I feel he's always going to be over there. I have spoke with him and told him how I feel, which is once he left the nest and married the wife (me) came first. He assured me this was going to change and has made few changes. Am I being selfish? Is this enough to call it quits over if he continues to put them 1st?

Boy this sounds familiar.

I met my husband when we were both 19. We dated for 5 years before we got married. In that five years his mother and sister (father was deceased) and I, got along great. Once we got married it all changed. Suddenly my mother in law seemed to want to butt into every part of our lives.

When I was a young newlywed I took offense, like you are. Now that I'm 42, married for 17 years, have kids of my own, I understand, and I see it for what it was.

His mom didn't want to lose him. She was suffering from empty nest syndrome, wanting to keep her last baby close to her. I get it now. I didn't get it then.

I was like you, I told my husband to choose. Boy am I glad that he said no. It wasn't right of me to tell him to forget his family, and choose me. It wasn't right of me to put that weight on his shoulders. Would I dump my parents for him? Hell no!

Yes, I'm his wife, but that doesn't mean that his family no longer exists. Family is family, a wife chooses to be family. If the wife chooses to leave (something you mentioned, and 54% of marriages end in divorce) then should he give up his family for her? No way! His family will always be there, that's family. The wife either accepts that, works with it, or leaves. She can make herself a part of the family, or tell him to choose, and lose, because she can be replaced, mom and dad can't.

You have to grow up, and you have to realize that you're not the only one in his life. Yes, you're his wife. As his wife you should support him, and his family, not put a wedge between them. If you do that, you will lose.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Boy this sounds familiar.

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I'm not asking him to forget his family! What I am asking is he make sure he spends just as much time with me! His family doesn't and never have taken care of him and helped him as I do! As far as trying to make myself part of the family I've tried and its been going on 5 years now! I go to most of the family functions and I'm civil and social but no I don't like just going to visit ugh!! You would just have to know these people!

I hate my husbands family!! How can I change/help the situation?

You can't make it change, you can perhaps try to work out a schedule with him as to when he visits and when he does things with you

Ok so here's the situation! My husband and I have been together for 5years on and off again plenty of times:( well here recently we have been fighting a lot more than usual. Last week we got into it and he blurted out "I'm done! I'm so serious" so he left and went to his mothers house. I figured it would be just to cool off, well 10pm rolled around and he hadn't returned home. So I called and he said he wasn't coming home he needed time. So now it's been a week and I've seen him once and I have been giving him his space and we still talk. He tells me he loves me and misses me. Even got jealous I went to a pool tournament and said nobody better be trying to step on his toes cause I'm his wife. I just don't know how to feel about all of this I want him to come back home so bad! I cry all the time I can't eat properly, can't sleep properly, can't function as I once did at work! My stomach always hurts and I just feel I could crawl in a hole and never come out! Is he coming back home and what should I do in the meantime to ease my heartache ? :(

So you say... "well here recently we have been fighting a lot more than usual"

DOn't see a problem there at all?

5 years and you are fighting all the time... like its usual for that to be happening. Much less a lot more than that.

Couples disagree at times (notice... at times... not all the time)... they even might have a fight from time to time (a LOT less frequently than disagreeing).

Most people are going to reach a point that if that's happening frequently... they are just going to walk away.

You need to find the root cause of why those fights are happening... rather than worry about dealing with the heartache... because nothing is going to change unless you do.

If there is a chance for you two you need to figure out this fighting. At some point freedom from drama is going to outweigh the relationship. A drama free relationship is so much better than one filled with drama. It will take commitment from both of you but it will be worth it in the end. I know I wouldn't live with all that drama.

I merged your posts as the fact you have conflicts with his family is a huge factor in this conflict. I think you were told before that attempting to drive a wedge between them (they work together everyday) would be a disaster, and maybe that's at the heart of the argument. I would rather hear from you as to the cause of all this arguing, and what did it accomplish besides separating you both.

You want the heartache to end? End the conflicts and find a better way to discuss resolutions. Your plan isn't working so change it. Ask him what he wants to happen. Is there no middle ground you both can abide by, treat each other better, and resolve differences? If you cannot talk, then your marriage cannot work.

Actually, I just have a short question for you: can you see yourself continue tolerating this same behavior 20 years from now? My mother-in-law still hates me and behaves the same disrespectful way (if not worse) after 25+ years.

Having children will only worsen the controlling and the childish behavior both from your husband and his family.

If your answer is no, then you have some thinking to do. Good luck.