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I am happily engaged but my fiancé sometimes brings up things that his EX wife has done when they were married. When he does this, and it has happened several times now, I feel like saying I do not really care to hear it. I have not said anything to him about it yet, but should I? Or is it normal?
So you can't talk to him? I mean, if you're scared to tell him that this kind of thing bothers you, then you are in for a short and rough marriage. Communication is one of the keys.
Is there a "normal" when it comes to relationships?
Bring it up during an off time meaning when he isn't doing it or when you both are in good moods. But don't do it in an attacking way. He shouldn't have a problem with that. But I do agree, communication is a must in a relationship.
Does he say stuff like, "Marissa uses Hellman's instead of Miracle Whip when she makes tuna salad"? If so, then he could suggest you use Hellman's and not mention her name -- "Have you ever used Hellman's when you make tuna salad? Let's try that and compare." Is he comparing you to her when he mentions her name? Like odinn7 and Oliver2011 said, communication is key. Yes, he lived with her for x number of years and was on her radar, but things have changed and he needs to be more diplomatic. Talk gently with him about it.
First of all, you need to communicate with him. I'm sure it had come up long before you even became engaged. So, let him know that it bothers you. Ask him if he wants you to do something her way, (as in, "Oh, she did? Ok, so would you like me to do this or that differently?"). He may not even realize he's doing it, so don't jump down his throat!
Yes I do agree that communication is key and we do talk and I always want to keep the lines of communication open. I just want to know if it is normal on his part to bring it up things his EX used to do? (But he is not comparing me with her though)
It all depends on the person. Some people never bring up an ex and others do. Again, he may not even be aware that he's talking about her. It's your turn to talk to him about it before you start holding a grudge.Quote:
Originally Posted by 123chris456
All right, thank youQuote:
Originally Posted by teacherjenn4
Before I got married, my husband had gone on several camping trips with his friends Bill and Rick. For our honeymoon, we also went on a long camping trip throughout the American West and pitched our tent at many of the same camp sites and next to many of the same creeks he and his two friends had been to -- to the point that I felt like they had come along with us on our honeymoon ("This is the EXACT spot that...."). So, yes, it is perfectly natural that he mentions her name now and then (especially if they were married more than five years), but gently dissuade him from doing so. (P.S. Bill and Rick are still hanging around 45 years later.)
Maybe you are the type of woman who tries really hard to avoid confrontation. If this is the case, you have to get over your initial fear of discussing fundamental issues with someone so you can get to the root of why your fiancé is repeatedly mentioning things that happened with his ex wife. After all, you are planning to spend your life with this person. Secondly, it's not appropriate that he's mentioning a past relationship, regardless of how "fresh" the incidents that remind him of his ex may seem. It's in the past now. And if he's to look towards the present and future with you, he has to stop his obsessive need to relive what his past marriage was like. Obviously he is not over his past marriage or he would feel no need to repeat it. This is not fair to you so if you want to have a happy, healthy marriage he must respect your feelings towards this tendency to repeat things that have no relevance now. Otherwise, it will create a wedge in your relationship.
Of course, this all largely depends on what examples he's providing you with. If you get the impression he's comparing you to the ex or putting his ex wife on a pedestal, then clearly he is not taking your feelings into consideration. Let him know where you stand and maybe this will put an end to this. If not, that tells you something about how much he values your opinion.
This should be the easiest question in the world to ask him: Can you please not bring up your ex unless we are having a heart to heart about something and your past with her is somehow relevant?
I've never tried this tactic, but I've heard it works: you both agree a code word that you say as soon as he starts (if he tends to forget). Something like ARMADILLO or SKIDDOO or any word you don't use much. It eases any tension and you don't have to think of something new to say to put a stop to it.
Can you provide some examples of how he does this?
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