Hello: I recently got engaged to my finance but he has been sick on and off and has a hacking cough at night time for some time now. I have been there for him when he was and is sick and I try to nurse him to health. He does seem to appreciate it. However, he came by my house last night but did not want to stay because he said he did not want to keep me up at night because of his cough. He coughed before at night plenty of other times and that did not stop him before from sleeping over. Anyway, he did stay to eat dinner with me and I got the vibe he really did not want to be at my place anymore. So, I said OK just go. Then he left without saying a word! Today we talked on the phone and he said he loved me and wants to give me space. Now, my question is why is he saying that? Does he really mean that he wants space?

Maybe he is the type who wants space when he is sick. I know I am. I don't like hovering when I don't feel well. Or maybe he does not want you to get sick. Maybe he just does not feel well and is a bit crabby. Do you have reason to believe something else is up?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Maybe he is the type who wants space when he is sick. I know I am. I don't like hovering when I don't feel well. Or maybe he does not want you to get sick. Maybe he just does not feel well and is a bit crabby. Do you have reason to believe something else is up?

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Hi there: No I really do not have a good reason to believe something else is up. Its just that he 's been sick for so long now and I want him to see a doctor but he just dismisses the thought.

I personally cannot stand to be catered to, sympathized with and taken care of when I'm sick - it drives me nuts. If it's necessary, that's one thing, but when I'm just under the weather and needing extra rest and relaxation while a flu or cold runs it's course, I would far rather be left alone.

I also would rather that my illness stop with me. When I get over my flu or cold or strep or whatever dread awefulness, I'd preffer not to relive it through the illness of my family members. So, for these reasons, if I'm sick I like to sleep alone and recover largely alone - not leaving the house, but keeping my space. I also like to clean up after myself - pick up my own kleenex and dishes and so on, in part to prevent someone else from getting my sickness.

I do appreciate if my teenage son or my boyfriend help out with chores that I normally would do like making dinner, or running to the bank with the deposit, or if they pick up a few magazines or movies for me. But the pillow fluffing, asking for updates on my condition and whatnot drive me nuts. What also drives me nuts is that sometimes it hurts people's feelings when I don't want the care they want to offer and, while sick and crabby, I have to worry about offending them.

On the other hand, I have friends and relatives who go into full Victorian mode, acting like they are dying from consumption when they have a headache, and needing all the pillow-fluffing, chicken-soup making, "how are you feeling, dear?", tea-offering attention they can get. I've had to learn to deliver this care, which I don't find entirely necessary, without sarcasm, understanding that for them, it really helps.

So, moral of the story - this is a good thing to talk about - how each of you can best be supported when you're sick. Great question for premarital counseling! If he finds your caretaking annoying, don't take offense - he wouldn't like it from anyone. Some of us are like injurred animals and just like to go off on our own until we feel better.

I'm also that way when I get sick -- I just want to crawl into a dark cave and pull the rock across the opening and be left alone. Meanwhile, a sister-in-law makes sure the entire world know she is ill and caters to her with the proverbial chicken soup and hand-holding. Thus, I agree with the others who have responded. He may just want time to get over his illness without all the "poor you" drama (yes, I know that's an exaggeration). Just give him the space he wants and find things to keep yourself busy -- watch TV, read a book, do a crossword puzzle or two, hang out with friends.