I have worked hard my whole life and raised my daughter alone as a single mom she is my only child. I have given her everything I could while giving myself nothing for year. I paid for a new car for her, paid for her college too. After college I helped get her the job she has now. She and I never fought ever and she seemed to love my company asking to join me in many activities I have had.

She is a very quiet loner who has never had any friends. She would spend days sometimes sitting in her room alone. No one ever called her she never invited friends over and on weekends would just sleep and never go out.This has always made me think something was wrong with her mentally. She always refused the idea to talk to someone if she needed to.

After saving a years worth of salary from her job, one day she didn't come home from work a few months ago. I tried calling her cell phone and it was disconnected. Two days later I got an email from her saying she has gone away forever and that she wants nothing to do with me or her past and that I will never be able to find her or see her. She advised me to throw out all the contents of her room (computer, clothing, pictures, and so on since she wants nothing to do with them). She has no boyfriend, no friends, and I have no idea where she is. She has arrived at my home a few times looking like a homeless person asking for a shower and a hot meal. All the times I have let her in she has stole my jewelry and money from my wallet. I feel used by her and unloved and do not know what to do or what I did wrong.

My friends and family are shocked and said she seemed like such a sweet person. How do I deal with the pain of losing my only child this way? Is there anything I can do to help her? I have sought mental counseling and they tell me to forget her. It's easy for them to say she is not their child. What would you do if this happened to you?

It is time for tough love. You have to let her run her life and if that means turning away the support system she has enjoyed then so be it. You can only help those that want that help in the first place. She hasn't reached that point. It is not easy by any means. But it is something you must do for your own protection. If she comes again turn her away. She is making her own decisions and there is little to be done about it at this point.

I agree with the tough love, and don't let her in for a hot meal, or shower. She steals!! But you must learn for yourself the basis for this behavior be it mental illness, or drugs. I would certainly investigate on my own without her knowledge where she spends her time, and what she does everyday.

I agree with califdad and tal. The only way to show her your love at this point is to turn her away and not continue to enable her. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but it will be the only possible thing that might make her realize she needs professional help.

It does sound like it could be a chance of schizophrenia or drugs, but with a lifetime of no friends, psychosis might be in full swing by the age of 22. Maybe having her followed by a PI wouldn't be a bad idea. Some schizophrenics self-medicate with illegal drugs and then OD.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I agree with califdad and tal. The only way to show her your love at this point is to turn her away and not continue to enable her. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but it will be the only possible thing that might make her realize she needs professional help.

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That is the advice I have got from professionals not to allow her to treat me this way by rejecting her if she calls or comes over. I stongly believe she is mentally ill. Being that she never had friends and at this point lives either in my car which I gave to her last year or on the street. People say she will need to hit rock bottom in order to seek help. It is very hard on me being that she put up a great front of acting like nothing was wrong Maybe it was wrong and I just didn't see it. I just think if I had got her help when she was a child I could have prevented this. Thank you all for advice it has been very helpful

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Originally Posted by joypulv

It does sound like it could be a chance of schizophrenia or drugs, but with a lifetime of no friends, psychosis might be in full swing by the age of 22. Maybe having her followed by a PI wouldn't be a bad idea. Some schizophrenics self-medicate with illegal drugs and then OD.

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That is what I guess is wrong with her schizophrenia being that she wonders the streets talks to whoever is around making no friends. The mental health people I have spoke to all tell me they strongly believe that is what this is, I just have no way to get her to a doctor to get care. They have tried even to come up with ways for me to someone trap her when she is at my house but there is no way in NY state to force a person into treatment that I know of sadly.She also may I add has a flat exspresion and never smiles or shows normal reactions to things and seems detached as well as feeling no love.

Well, you could have her arrested for the stealing and then express the court that you believe she is mentally ill and would like her committed for mental health evaluation and treatment. It's hard to have your own child arrested but sometimes it's the only option. Otherwise see if you can pursue a commitment absent arrest.

My brother was strung out on drugs and when we thought he was going to die on the streets, we had him arrested for possession. It gave us the time and opportunity to get him into treatment. We did this with the help of a drug counselor who also lined up the treatment. He had nowhere to go, we refused to let him come to any of our homes and the only offered option was in-patient treatment. He went and this time (he went to treatment many times) it stuck.

I lived in a college town after my husband dumped me, and met many street homeless and shelter residents who hung out with me at the coffee shops (I was very depressed). Some were addicts, some were chess or backgammon players who eked out a tiny income winning $2-5 games, a few were artists and writers, and some were mentally ill. I don't want to generalize too much, but it seemed to me that the ill homeless were pretty much paranoid schizophrenics (and some said so), who had refused benefits because it would have meant conforming to treatment plans (mostly medication) that they feared were designed to hurt them. Some had had good careers, degrees, families.. they all preferred life on the street, no matter how many times the cops rousted them in the middle of the night from their sleeping spots, or threw them in jail.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Well, you could have her arrested for the stealing and then express the court that you believe she is mentally ill and would like her committed for mental health evaluation and treatment. It's hard to have your own child arrested but sometimes it's the only option. Otherwise see if you can pursue a commitment absent arrest.

My brother was strung out on drugs and when we thought he was going to die on the streets, we had him arrested for possession. It gave us the time and opportunity to get him into treatment. We did this with the help of a drug counselor who also lined up the treatment. He had nowhere to go, we refused to let him come to any of our homes and the only offered option was in-patient treatment. He went and this time (he went to treatment many times) it stuck.

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I did call the police on here when she stole things and was in my house for the night they came and I told them she needs help they asked her where she got things and she said they were all hers. The cops said there is nothing they can do. I told them she needs help they said they can't force her to get help. I also called the cops once when she called me collect from somewhere in the street in NYC I called them to help her she had told me where she was they went to see her and they said they asked her how she was and she said fine and they left. Other than kiddnapping her I have no idea how to get her help.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I lived in a college town after my husband dumped me, and met many street homeless and shelter residents who hung out with me at the coffee shops (I was very depressed). Some were addicts, some were chess or backgammon players who eked out a tiny income winning $2-5 games, a few were artists and writers, and some were mentally ill. I don't want to generalize too much, but it seemed to me that the ill homeless were pretty much paranoid schizophrenics (and some said so), who had refused benefits because it would have meant conforming to treatment plans (mostly medication) that they feared were designed to hurt them. Some had had good careers, degrees, families.. they all preferred life on the street, no matter how many times the cops rousted them in the middle of the night from their sleeping spots, or threw them in jail.

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She told me she likes talking to random people.. she sleeps on the streets or wherever she can find she says. She told me she once spent 3 days just riding the subway system in NYC. She is a 95 lbs attactive girl and I am scared of the call I might get one day that she is dead or worse no call and she just disappeared. That is why I let her in my house when she shows up or calls.This is very hard on me.. she has told me she is fine and just doing what she wants to do. She comes off as a very mellow person ( somewhat 70s hippie like). I do not think that what she is doing is safe

Although I usually go with tough love, I think she is really sick, and not an addict, and that this situation calls for a bit of a strategy that is only partly tough. You can lock up your jewelry and money. You don't have to feel guilty about her childhood, and you don't have to feel 'unloved' even though you are being used, because she did love you, and probably would if she could.
I would allow for a scheduled time once a week when she can shower and do laundry and I would even give her $20. I would be very specific, such as exactly 2 hours, and if she's late she loses the minutes she's late, or shows up on a different day, she doesn't get in at all. That conveys the message that you care but aren't going to be walked all over. And watch her like a hawk for those 2 hours, with a little news and chit chat about family, but don't preach or plead. She knows she can ask for help.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

it seemed to me that the ill homeless were pretty much paranoid schizophrenics (and some said so), who had refused benefits because it would have meant conforming to treatment plans (mostly medication) that they feared were designed to hurt them. Some had had good careers, degrees, families.. they all preferred life on the street, no matter how many times the cops rousted them in the middle of the night from their sleeping spots, or threw them in jail.

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That has been my experience with the homeless who sat all day at the library where I worked. The staff would chat with them and learned many were alcoholics and/or unmedicated mentally ill. They preferred life on the street just as you say, because they didn't want to become obliged in a treatment program and give up their independence. They avoided shelters because, once asleep, others stole their stuff. And as you indicated, most had lived productive lives, even were in treatment programs and were medicated, until some life event (death of parents, divorce, death of a child, job loss, etc.) was the straw that broke the camel's back.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Although I usually go with tough love, I think she is really sick, and not an addict, and that this situation calls for a bit of a strategy that is only partly tough.

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Good suggestion, Joy. It gives the daughter a soft place to fall on a regular basis and gives the mom the opportunity to show her love but with boundaries.

Thanks Wondergirl. Let's hope we hear a bit of good news.

Sounds like she has a serious mental condition and she is the one that needs help. If you see her again, try and get her committed if just for a eval.

If she needs a place to clean or eat, take her out, get her a shelter ( you can hold her belongings for her) and remember she can sadly also be dangerous to you at this point.