Ask Me Help Desk - Do I stay or go?

Met a girl few months ago. Went on a lots of dates, began to connect on an emotional level too. We both were attracted to each other a lot. She admitted she liked me a lot. Things were going well she was also planning on taking me on holiday this year. Then out of the blue told me she was hurting over ex. I had an idea she had emotional baggage, she thought she could try to move on but she can’t. She is not ready for a relationship.

When I decided I could not be friends only I decided to accept this and walk away for good but she pleaded and said not to cut her off from my life for good. Said I've been there for her and talked to me about things she’s not discussed with anyone, feels emotional bond. Told her whether I'm there or not makes no difference as she refuses to give any hope of future for us or me a chance. (Think she may still be trying to get back with ex) Should I stay or walk away forever.

If I stay I have to accept me and her have no chance and we be friends. But there is possibility that it could happen for us in the future when she has healed. But problem I want to settle down and will be looking for someone else. Advise me please.

I am 70 yrs old, married 30 yrs, now a widower. I have been in the same situation a few times myself in the past. Move on, meet some new people. A good relationship or even just friends must have trust, respect, honesty, and a willingness to talk about anything. You will miss her for awhile, but please try to move on, without her.

You move on and let her heal while you go about your own business. She can unpack her baggage without you as an emotional tampon. Your on a mission to settle down, and have no time for JUST a friendship. Honestly that's just as messed up.

Not all interaction with the opposite sex have to be about what you want forever. Nor should those interactions be about their mate potential. Its healthy while you explore and experiment with romance to have friends, male and female, and romantic friends.

If you cannot separate the two move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fredg

I am 70 yrs old, married 30 yrs, now a widower. I have been in the same situation a few times myself in the past. Move on, meet some new people. A good relationship or even just friends must have trust, respect, honesty, and a willingness to talk about anything. You will miss her for awhile, but please try to move on, without her.

Thank you. Whenever I try to move on something always stops me from leaving her life esp her. I am moving on and talking to others now.. But thought maybe trying to be her friend is better than nothing. Leaving it in fates hands now.. If I meet someone to settle down with then I will be out her for life for good..

This situation always happens to arise. Was the holiday vacation she brought up something that would have involved you meeting her family or other people she holds dear to her, or was it just going to be alone time for you two? This would make A big difference in the way she acted IMO. And if you are just keeping her as a plan B, for when someone else arrives, then is this really the woman you want to settle down with. I can imagine if she knew the notion you put forth and she did take you on holiday to meet her parents she'd be conflicted and your chance would be gone. Are you both done with school? How long ago was her ex in her life? I have more suggestions if you add another layer of paint to the picture you have set forth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnJacob2888

This situation always happens to arise. Was the holiday vacation she brought up something that would have involved you meeting her family or other people she holds dear to her, or was it just going to be alone time for you two? This would make A big difference in the way she acted IMO. And if you are just keeping her as a plan B, for when someone else arrives, then is this really the woman you want to settle down with. I can imagine if she knew the notion you put forth and she did take you on holiday to meet her parents she'd be conflicted and your chance would be gone. Are you both done with school? How long ago was her ex in her life? I have more suggestions if you add another layer of paint to the picture you have set forth.

Hey, sorry for the lack of info.. we are both professionals in our late 20's. The hol was her idea as she wanted to go away for her birthday and celebrate this was when things were going well. Just me and her. She has the same feelings as me I am know that but she fights them and is confused because of her feelings for ex whom she split with 3 months before she met me (9 months ago) but was still in contact. They were together for 2-3 years. She wants me as a friend only for now and I don't feel I need to explain to her that I will be meeting new people to move on. I feel I have no choice as she's not ready and can't give me any hope for a future! She even said meet people and keep searching :( and if its meant to happen it will..

You could take what she is saying at face value; but if you really care about her and think she will be a positive influence in your life, and you can reciprocate, then do what you feel is right. Who knows, she may just need someone to fight for her, that won't leave. But if she's still head over heels for her ex, then maybe suggest that she get in touch with him and let him know. You sound like you have a grip on reality and don't need much advice. Don't conform, do what you know to be right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnJacob2888

You could take what she is saying at face value; but if you really care about her and think she will be a positive influence in your life, and you can reciprocate, then do what you feel is right. Who knows, she may just need someone to fight for her, that won't leave. But if she's still head over heels for her ex, then maybe suggest that she get in touch with him and let him know. You sound like you have a grip on reality and don't need much advice. Don't conform, do what you know to be right.

Difficult place to be in
Thanks mate for the advice means a lot.

Sounds like she's confused and is not over her past. If you can handle being friends with her do so whether that it is immediately or after some time. If you can handle it do some light contact with her, chat now and again but make an active effort to meet new girls and explore life without her. Try to limit contact for your own wellbeing.

If not then simply go no contact and remove her from your life.

At the end of the day its up to you if you choose to tell her your letting her go or not. Sometimes its nice just to stop speaking and drop of the face of the earth as the ex made the decision so let them stew.