Ask Me Help Desk - Am I Caring Too Much?

My boyfriend mentioned to me today that I care too much about him. Apparently, since he signed off Instant Messenger in the middle of the conversation and didn't come back; I called him about 20 minutes after. He told me I didn't need to worry like that, but the thing is, he has diabetes and after a few incidents I've encountered with him, it has gotten me more aware and worried. He says that I'm sufficating him by caring too much; yet, when my computer signs me off IM accidentally, he calls me 5 minutes after or when I don't answer the phone, he calls every 10 minutes until I answer to make sure I'm okay. Doesn't that make him the hypocrite? I'm lost, but when he told me I care too much, it really upset me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Karly

My boyfriend mentioned to me today that I care too much about him. Apparently, since he signed off Instant Messanger in the middle of the conversation and didn't come back; I called him about 20 minutes after. He told me I didn't need to worry like that, but the thing is, he has diabetes and after a few incidents I've encountered with him, it has gotten me more aware and worried. He says that I'm sufficating him by caring too much; yet, when my computer signs me off IM accidentally, he calls me 5 minutes after or when I don't answer the phone, he calls every 10 minutes until I answer to make sure I'm okay. Doesn't that make him the hypocrite? I'm lost, but when he told me I care too much, it really upset me.

Seems he wants all control in the relationship... you call too much... your too caring... you don't call often enough... he panics thinking you may get a life of your own! I would set some boundaries in this relationship or you both will be smothered by it and end up hating each other... I have been in this type of relationship, I know what I am talking about.

He cannot live by the double standard that he himself has set? It is okay for him to call you every 5 minutes and yet he hollers "smother" when you call him after he signs off? That is not fair play.

Next time, if he signs off on an I'm, do not call. I understand him being a diabetic - my oldest brother is one - but you are not responsible for his medical care. And you hsould not feel like you have to be "the caregiver" here and check up on him. He is old enough to know his own indications of a problem. If you were right there, in the same room, yes, that is totally different. You can still care about him, but you need to set some limits here. Or, like swirlgirl stated, you will both end up hating each other for the suffocation. You can certainly tell him too that if he does sign off on an I'm, that you will not be calling to check up on him. Also, that you DO NOT expect him to be calling you like that either. You can say to him that if he does call like that - repeatedly, that you will not be answering the phone. He can leave a message.

It is about respecting personal space. Everyone, even married couples, needs that personal space that is just their own. Good luck to you.

How do you put up with such pesky behavior? I think you should reevaluate your definition of love and whether this is a healthy relationship. From here there is room for improvement, equality and mutual respect come to mind.

Boundaries are tricky business to sort out in the beginning. Its important that you hear his concern about feeling suffocated, that's for certain. But at the same time, he needs to hear you wanting to play by the same rules. That is only fair, and definitely what I would insist on.

It takes listening to really hear the other person first off, talking to reach a mutual understanding second and lastly modifying behaviors to work these things out.

Here are some hints on how to improve communication:

1. Try to keep it to one issue at a time.

2. Do your best to refrain from justifying -- "I do this (bad thing) cos' you do that (bad thing)". That'll get you both nowhere.

3. Also talk about yourself, not the other person. You know what you are doing, thinking or feeling a lot better than you know what he is doing, thinking or feeling.

4. Negotiating to a mutual understanding is helped by you saying things like "I am willing to do xxx" instead of things like "You need to do xxx."

I hope this was helpful and good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by swirlgirl

Seems he wants all control in the relationship....you call too much....your too caring...you don't call often enough...he panics thinking you may get a life of your own! I would set some boundaries in this relationship or you both will be smothered by it and end up hating each other.... I have been in this type of relationship, I know what I am talking about.

I think this is the essence of the problem - he wants all the power. Not good! As swirlgirl says, set boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise you'll end up sabotaging this relationship.

Yes, there are double standards here. It makes for an unfair relationship. You should be upfront with him and say, hey when I call because I am worried I am smoothering you, but when you do that to me it is okay. I would remind him of this as soon as it happens. Reality check never hurt anybody. Tell him it is not fair and if that if you are worried your going to call, just like he does.

Joe