First off anyone who takes the time to read this thank you. I know it's extremely long, but everything is just so complicated right now and it's a long story..
I'm 20 years old and recently broke up with my boyfriend who I had been with for almost 3 years. During the relationship I constantly had doutbs and issues with my boyfriend. He is also 20, lives in an apartment, and works full time at an outlet store. But even with all this he still wants to be a 12 year old. The time I was with him I constantly felt like I was his caretaker and taxi driver. I basically made dinner for us every night, cleaned the apartment, and had to nag him to do anything besides video games. I also had to pick him up from work everyday because he still doesn't have his license. I literally drove us everywhere. I told him that this bothered me and that I wanted to feel like the "girl" and have my man take me out, but he never really cared enough to do anything about it. He had people who were willing to take him out to practice driving but he would never get ahold of them because he didn't want to be a "bother." I also tried taking him out in my car a few times, but unfotunently he backed it into a side railing and dented it, and sense my insurance isn't very good I wasn't able to take hime out again. He's normally a fine driver, he's just new at it, and the other reason he said he didn't want to get his license was because driving scared him. I tried to explain to him many times that every knew driver feels like that and that's why he needed to drive more often so he could get over it.
The last main issue I had with him is that he doesn't really seem to care for life or the future. I tried many times to help figure out what his interests are so maybe he could get involved in that. I mean he's basically obsessed with video games so I even suggested that he look into a career in the video game industry. I told him that he is very creative and probably could make his own top selling game if he wanted to! But he never showed an interest to try an explore possibilities in. I have hopes and goals for my future, but every time I asked what he wanted to do in life he'd basically say "nothing really, maybe be a manager at a store or something, something to get by." Now I'm not saying I wanted him to work to become rich and give me everything money can buy, but I don't want to live like "white-trash" for the rest of my life either. And the way he's living right now, he's just doing the bare minimum to get by. He barely makes enough money to pay for his $550 apartment, electricity bills, internet bills, and food costs, but yet he still chooses to spend hundreds of dollars on video games constantly. I personally have been building my savings ever since I got my job when I was 16. He has no savings, no security, and with the way I've watched my family struggle it scares me to see that he's not even financially secure in any way.
Even with all that though, I really do love him with all my heart, and I miss him terribly. We've been broken up for 21 days now. All I do is think of him. I remember so much of the good times now too. He can be the sweetest guy in the world at times. He knows everything I love down to the T, and will buy me things just because he knows they are part of my interests. He's always very comforting and warm, and he's just a good hearted person. The thing I miss the most though is just how much he loved me.
To him I was the girl he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. He had already boughten an engagement ring and was holding onto it until I told him I was ready to be married. After about 6 months of dating I turned into that anal crazy controlling untrusting girlfriend that no guy should put up with. But even through the year and a half I was that way, he put up with me and waited until I changed. He constantly told me how much he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was. Just constantly throughout everyday, he'd make sure I knew how loved I am.
But because of the issues I had with him, doutbs about our relationship constantly clouded my mind. I'd be aggitated and annoyed by him over the littelist things. I didn't know if I could ever be truly happy with him. I tried to tell myself that if we both loved Jesus above all else and then we loved each other second, everything would be okay. But somehow it never seemed to be. And now that its over all I can think about is him. I'm living back with my parents, but he bought me so much little cute things that I'm reminded of him every time I step in my room. Even without that stuff around all I think about is him. At work, with friends, surfing the web, listening to music, writing, drawing, playing guitar, hanging out with my cat, watching TV, reading the Bible, listening to a Japanese lesson online, all I ever think about is him. It just hurts so much. I really do love him, and I can see the way I want our relationship to be. I just need him to grow up a little bit. And I don't mean I want us to be full fledged adults. We're only 20, I still want to be young and do fun things, but I am also thinking about my future now and how to get to the goals I want to accomplish. I can't be with someone who just wants to be a kid forever, I need him to want to become a man. I know I can't change him into anything he doesn't want to be, but maybe he just needs me to help push him in the right direction. He hasn't had the easiest life either, and maybe he needs support from someone like me to get his act together.
I just see the life I want with him, I love him, I miss him, and I can't stop thinking about him. Its tearing me apart inside because I don't know if I did the right thing or not. And if he has changed (or is trying to), should I try and get ahold of him to see if he's getting his life together so we can be together. What if he was the one for me? We had so many things in common and knew each other so well. What if I ruined everything? I just feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like all my hopes and dreams are meaningless without him, and I can't concentrate on anything. All I do is think about him..
Any advice anyone has is welcome. I'm just so confused, but honestly I'm normally a pretty confused person. I constantly worry about everything and contemplate every aspect of everything. Maybe everything that was wrong was just phycological issues I have. I also have really high anxiety issues, and I have ogoraphobia. So I question if everything was right, if it was wrong, or if there's just something wrong with me that means I'll never be able to be happy. I do know that I really do love him though, but that there were also serious problems I couldn't just ignore either.