Ask Me Help Desk - 11 years older

Hi there.

I am writing because a Japanese man is 36 and I am 25. He came to the US to study music and I met him during my internship. We hit it off and hung out as friends a lot. He introduced me to sushi, and other sites in NYC. He is a kind and generous man. I took a trip to Japan to visit and stayed at his temple with his parents. We went on several other trips together.

At one point, he confessed that he loved me. I was sort of shocked. I mean, there were obvious signs, but we were never intimate. We also just hung as friends. So, as you can imagine, this confession changed things. I sort of told him I didn't think it would workout because he was older and he may go back to Japan! And I was worried about the age.

Ultimately, I haven't had many relationships. And it's been about a year and a half since he confessed this. We have still hung out- in some instances it felt like dates. And he stills gets me expensive and thoughtful gifts for birthdays and holidays. Honestly, he is a really great guy! Generous, kind, and sort of cute. But I'm worried to get involved -- as far as age. Like, if I wanted a family it may be difficult because he is older. Etc. can anyone help me ? I have never that attracted to him in that kind of sexual way. That's y I am not sure what to do.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

I do not think that your age difference is a big deal because, first, you are both adults. At 25 you have, I would presume, finished school and been in a career and you know what it is to be independent. 36 is still quite young and your concern about him being able to be a father is baseless. Many people, particularly men, have children in their forties and even beyond. Even if he had children at 45 he'd still only be in his 60s when his children graduated college, when a great many people aren't even yet retired. I don't see that it would be a problem.

I don't really think that the age difference would raise eyebrows, either. It's not like a young girl being with an old man - it's two younger adults. 36 is not considered old.

If you are interested in him except for this issue, I would reconsider. However, I would seriously discuss whether he wants to return to Japan to live. I'd also address cultural issues. I know some Japanese men, particularly successful business men - it can be an important symbol of their success to have a mistress or geisha and wives are supposed to look the other way. Though geisha's are not usually in sexual relationships with their partners, they can have deep cultural, emotional and social bonds and I would not be able to accept my husband having such a significant social relationship with another woman. So, I'd talk about those things.

But if you just aren't feeling it with him, I'd maybe stop going on the trips with him.

You've known him long enough to know that you like him but aren't attracted to him.
Therefore the decision is all yours, no matter how much advice you get.
Most of us here just don't feel that 11 years is a big deal (I have good friends who are 11 years apart, and she's the older one!) but maybe in your 20s, 11 years seems like a lot.
I see no reason why you can't discuss feelings about children and where you each want to live, and in fact you should. If more people talked about concrete practical matters before getting married, more marriages would last. In fact you need to ask him if he is interested in marriage to you. All he has said is that he loves you. You don't have to put him through the wringer to ask all this; it can be done softly over dinner. And you don't have to be ready to say yes before you question him either.

Age is no a issue, I am 10 years or so older than my wife, and it is great. In Japanese culture this is more common,

Also why would children be an issue men have children well into 50's and some longer.
After a couple of years of knowing him, staying with his family, and dates, you should knouow how you feel.

Is age an issue to you, since it would not be to most people, If you are afriad of what people will think, some will not like it no matter what, age, race, culture , you name it

Quote:

I have never that attracted to him in that kind of sexual way. That's y I am not sure what to do.

Be honest. You love the attention gifts and company as a friend. Its more than just a matter of the age difference which is no big deal. LOL. This is hardly your first go round with guys older than you. Tell him friends only since you have no attraction to him in that way.

Then STOP accepting gifts, dinners and trips with him. You NOW know how he feels about you, now it is up to you if you want to continue to use him or not.

If you are concerned, then don't take these things from him. Tell him to stop, then that way he can find a woman who doesn't care about his age...