My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. We were friends for 3 years before that. We had our daughter 3 months ago. He said he did not want to be at the delivery but circumstances meant that my friend was not able to be there as planned so my fiancé reluctantly stayed in the delivery room with me. Since then he won't come near me, not even for a cuddle. There is no kissing or anything. If I try to cuddle him he pulls away. The most I get is a pat on the head. We don't share a bed as he says he doesn't want to be woken by the baby. I and baby are in spare room on a camping bed. He is working, but plays no part in childcare when he is at home. He rarely speaks to me, just comes home, makes dinner for himself, then watches TV while eating it and goes to sleep in his room. He says he doesn't like the food I make for him and doesn't share the food he gets for himself. He is very selfish in many other ways

I feel terrible. I gained a small amount of weight during the pregnancy when I was previously slim. I feel frumpy as am always wearing sweats covered in vomit or suchlike. I feel completely rejected and that I am being parent on my own. He says to give him time to get used to the idea of the baby, but he is so distant I feel like a lodger rather than a partner. I am so disappointed, I thought I was in a loving relationship where I could give and receive love, support and affection and that we would be a team going through this change together. I love him and long to be close to him, even to share a room at night, but instead I am in a small room sitting on the floor alone all night with the baby while he sleeps in our bed. I sometimes get a wave in the morning as he goes to work and when he comes home before he carries on as if we weren't even in the same apartment

I realise he may have been put off by bring at the birth. Should I not say anything and give him time and space or should I tell him that I am deeply unhappy and that things have to change. I have hinted at this before and he just says that he needs to work and so he needs his sleep.

What should I do?

I am so sorry to hear about this; having a baby and not married to this man! However, it might just be easier for you to leave him. He doesn't really care about you or the baby anymore. A good relationship must have respect, caring, trust, faith, and a willingness to talk about anything.
Since he won't talk with you, I am afraid you have made a big mistake with this man, and now are on your own. I do hope you can make it by yourself with a baby. He doesn't really seem to care anymore. I would also talk with a lawyer, and see if you have any options, other than just leaving. If he will talk with you about leaving, you might have a chance with him. If not, then best of luck.

He sounds like a total jerk. Being in the delivery room should have meant nothing bad to him and should not have affected him negatively. I think he is just making excuses.

You, having a baby, should not be on a cot... he should be. Both of you need to talk this out. If he is unwilling to talk, then you need to decide what is best for you.

Thank you for your kindness
Just a question for the guys. What does it mean when a man puts himself first, makes sure he has everything he needs, refuses to share his food with you, and generally makes you feel that you come second to him? Then he doesn't want to be close enough to you for a cuddle. Am I being a complete fool here? Am I just deluding myself and making excuses for him.
We once travelled by train to visit his parents. I got my own standard class ticket only to find he had booked himself into first class. He did walk part my seat once during the journey to say hello.
He has been so selfish repeatedly. I feel a complete fool again. I am a very understanding person and if I tell him his actions have upset me he tells me he is sorry and I never take it any further.
Anyway, our daughter is here now and she was greatly longed for , by me at least. I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't be able to raise her the way she deserves as a single mum.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. The camping bed has gone to the living room as we have guests. It wasn't being used tonight so I asked him to bring the mattress alone to my room, but he complained about where he should leave the remainder of the bed. In the end I didn't push the point and now I'm sleeping on the floor in the spare room while he is comfortable in bed.
I have no one to blame but myself, but it was very nice to read your 2 kind and concerned comments. It made me happy. How pathetic have I got that I am grateful for comments from complete strangers?

I hate to say this because you are already down but it seems that he doesn't care about you at all... only himself. I think you should stop letting him tell you how things are going to be. I think it is time for you to tell him to leave. There is no reason you should be sleeping on the floor and left to do all the work by yourself. He is an uncaring jerk and you can do better.

Thank you
You are right, he doesn't care. I would never treat anyone like this.
I will try to speak to him again. I don't want to split our family up if it can be helped
Baby awake now so I'll sign off.
Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

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Originally Posted by kitty2012

Thank you
You are right, he doesn't care. I would never treat anyone like this.
I will try to speak to him again. I don't want to split our family up if it can be helped
Baby awake now so I'll sign off.
Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

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But if you honestly look at it, it is not a "family". It is you and the baby... and him on the outside not wanting to be part of any of it.

Yes, you are right. My expectations are yet again too low

I'm curious, was your pregnancy planned?

Yes, and here's the thing. He didn't want kids for the first 2 years we were together. We split up a year ago for a few months due to issues as above and I was ready to let the relationship go, but he was so sorry for being thoughtless and he promised things would be better. We had a solid friendship beforehand and I loved him. He was practically begging that we try again and he said he'd learned from his mistakes and that I meant everything to him. He said that now he realised he wanted children more than anything. I did question the sudden change of heart but he assured me he was truly genuine. He met me at my office daily for a months, wrote me dozens of heartfelt emails and begged all my friends to speak to me. Even my friends believed him. Here we are exactly a year later. He went to great lengths to persuade me, and of course crucially I loved him, so wanted to believe him . Guess what, people never change.
Or maybe he put all that effort in because he realised he'd never meet such a gullible fool as me again

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Originally Posted by kitty2012

Or maybe he put all that effort in because he realised he'd never meet such a gullible fool as me again

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I have a problem with this statement. The reason is that I don't know what he has to gain. OK, he convinces you to come back. So what does he gain, Sex? I could understand if the baby wasn't planned, but since it was, he stands to lose a lot. He will now have to help support this child for the next 18 years at least and without you living with him.

So, if any one was a fool it seems he is the bigger one. A babt puts a huge strain on a relationship. Maybe that's the problem here. But, in any case, if he won't give you what you need in a relationship, then move on.But don't forget to go after him for child support.

I'm not sure either to be honest, I thought he had changed as well. I suspect if I mentioned that I was leaving he may start being nicer for a short time as before, but that's not the answer. I think the bottom line is he doesn't want to be alone but doesn't have it in him to care for someone. He had several girlfriends leave him after a short time when we were friends and he treats his parents in a similar way to me. At least I should stop feeling sad. This has damaged myself estimate at a time when I'm feeling so tired and unattractive anyway.
Thank you for your comments, I'm going to try to pick myself up and stop moping around feeling sorry for myself, that will help at least

Yes, not the ideal situation for you, the baby, yourself esteem, your well being. You are going to have to get yourself together, pull up your socks and get on with a good existence. You have a little person to consider now.

He should not be in your equation and has more or less proven himself to be no better then dogdoo on the bottom of your shoe.

There are many women raising children on their own and doing well at it.

A better environment for you and your baby would be what you need to heal and recover from this life changing event. Are your parents or family available to you? Let him work out his own issues without you, and pay child support.

What idiot lets his woman and new baby sleep on the floor? NOT GOOD!

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What idiot lets his woman and new baby sleep on the floor? NOT GOOD!

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Hell no! The first night he would have put me in the spare room with the baby and not offering me the bed and the main bedroom - even if he has work - would have been the last night. Like having a baby and giving birth is nothing..

The guy is moronic idiot and as such needs to be treated as one. Kick his sorry butt to the kerb. You AND YOUR BABY deserve better and you will provide and more without his arrogant, self deluded ways.