First off, maybe that wasn't exactly the right title for the thread.

I'm in a very strange situation. I've been friends with this guy for 6 years. This past year we decided to be roommates. We're both 19, male, and in our sophomore year of college. About halfway through the semester we both confessed to each other that we weren't 100% sure about out sexuality. I'm single but I've had a girlfriend before. We never did anything sexual, however. He's currently in a heterosexual relationship. They've done stuff but I don't think they've ever had full blown sex.

We weren't best friends, but throughout the semester our friendship grew a lot and we might be now. We've been mistaken for a gay couple before by waitors and joked about it. About 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt something that I could only assume was love. I'd never felt anything like it before for anyone. I confessed a week later and he was really understanding about the whole thing.

We've theorized that it was a result of all the stress I was under from classes combined with the fact that he was the first one I really confessed my questioning to and I had recently started feeling alone and like I needed someone to love and hold.

I told him I understood if he didn't want to be roommates anymore and he said something about " as long as you realize I'm in a relationship right now it's OK"

It's winter break and we've decided we could both use a week of no contact.
I never felt a desire sexually for him. And I've thought about it and decided I don't want that kind of relationship with him either.

I thought this was all over for a day but now I can't stop thinking about him. How can I stop loving him? I really don't want this to end up running our friendship. And does the possibility for this to even happen mean I'm for sure gay/bi?

I read this, and I think everyone questions their sexuality once or more in their life, I did but at an earlier age then yourself. What I want to know is, when you were with past girlfriend(s), how did you feel? Were you all about it, or did you feel a little empty? Look to your past, that's the best way I found out I was still strait like I was all long.

We had been friends for awhile before I got b together with her. I was already questioning my sexuality for a few years before then. In a way we were set up. Everyone was always asking me if I liked her because we always hung out and one day one of the guys in our class asked her if she liked me and proceeded to say it out loud to the entire class. I wasn't sure if I liked her as more than friends before that but when we talked about it later my heart was racing. We decided to try it out and for the first week I felt really glittery every time I thought about her. She told me she felt the same way. Unless I was to naïve at the time to realize what it was I never fell in love with her. We weren't able to move past the fact that we were friends and after that warm, tingly feeling the first week it was just awkward. It also kind of sucks that given my situation, we weren't able to hang out one-on-one outside of school either. After 2 months we broke it off. Happened to be on our 2 month anniversary too.

With the current situation, I've been feeling a lot of internal pain since a day after we decided to take a little time away from each other. (I know that people have been through a lot worse than me) I never felt that kind of pain with my past girlfriend but it's not enough to go off.

What I think I should do is try to get a girlfriend now that I'm capable of this emotion and feel a need to have someone to hold.

Either way, I'm probably going to lie if it's not gone by next semester because even beyond this whole love thing, I would feel hopelessly alone without him as a friend. But I also know that what I'm currently feeling for him is more than friends.

Our modern world in some ways is a lot freer about all the varieties of relationships, and in other ways more restrictive. For instance, Abraham Lincoln shared a bed with a male friend for a long time, and it was no secret - they just didn't have two beds, and it wasn't uncommon anyway. Famous men and women who lived together are often the subject of speculation about their sexuality, and they might love each other very much, even be jealous and possessive, without having sex with each other.
Love, sex, gender identity - all on a broad, broad spectrum with almost infinite variety and room to change over time too.
You sound both intelligent and insightful, so just continue to be so and try not to worry.

@joypulv thank you for the insight

I think right now I'm just really confused as to what it is exactly that I'm feeling. I've thought a lot about it and I don't want him sexually. I'm not even sure that I want to be in a relationship with him beyond friends, however if he came to me and wanted to experiment sexually or start a discreet relationship I would welcome it. I won't allow it if either of us are in relationships at the time though.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out most right now is if I truly am in love with him or just suddenly went to loving him as a friend a lot more than I have in the past and am just confusing myself. But if it was just a really big leap in our friendship, would I think about him all day and would it hurt the way it does?

Here's 3 clips of what you just said:
'if I truly am in love with him'
'loving him as a friend a lot more'
'just a big leap in our friendship'
To my mind, 'in love' is reserved for romantic love leading to or already involving sex. That leaves all the other ways you can love. You say you would welcome experimenting or a discreet sexual relationship. You still don't have to define yourself based on that. You don't have to say you are gay or straight or bi. He could be the only man you will ever love. You might be craving being held so much at this time that you will have sex just to be held, sort of stranded on a desert island with him, and anything you do will be just for that island. You might love 10 women after him and then another man again - what does that make you? Accidentally gay once in a while? Somewhat secretively attracted to men, with a more open attraction to women, but not feeling bi? Just refuse to think about what it all means. There are also people who refuse to identify themselves as male or female or transgender, as well as neither gay, straight, or bi. Cher's daughter feels male attracted to women, and yet not a lesbian. That makes sense. Others change over the years, depending on whom they know and like at the moment.
And finally - close friends! They can be very possessive and yearn for each other. They can pass the 'friends' stage and be a 'couple' with or without sex, uninterested in other relationships.

First of all, I want to n thank you for the great advice and points you're raising.

I went to hang out with a different friend tonight and he happened to be there. At first I felt really awkward around him and thought n he was trying not to look at me but when I asked him later, he said it wasn't awkward at all and I was just imagining things.

From your last answer I realized that if in really was IN love with him, I would crave not only being around him but to physically hold and touch him as well but I've been realizing more and more that this is not the case.

What I'm m now pretty positive happened was that this emotion itself was entirely new to me and I thought it could only occur with someone you were IN love with. That, combined with all the stress I was under (it was the last couple weeks of the semester and finals week was approaching) caused me to intensify or morph it into something it wasn't in my mind. Those first couple of days I thought I did want him sexually and wanted to be in a relationship with him. I even experienced the jealousy you mentioned before because he's going through a rough patch with his girlfriend and, at the time, part of me hoped they would end up breaking up.

Now that I've learned more about love, I realize it can come with the real feelings and not actually be falling IN love, but rather loving more, and more fully realizing that love.
I told him all this and we're actually hanging out again tomorrow. As of right now it all makes sense.
However, I thought that a couple days ago and it still backlashed into pain. Now I know much more thanks to you and the other somewhat similar threads over read through so I think this will be over and we'll be able to go back to out normal, now closer, lives.
I'll keep this thread update if there are any new developments. Thanks again for all your help in clarifying this for me. Now that I understand love more, I realize just how beautiful it can be.

"What I think I should do is try to get a girlfriend now" - now do you really think this is the solution to this situation? You can't force yourself to like/love someone.

"I asked him later, he said it wasn't awkward at all and I was just imagining things." You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and that friendship. You said early you didn't want to ruin your friendship. Then don't. But if you keep having awkward pressure filled situations with him on this topic you might ruin it.

I forced myself into a marriage because it was "the right thing to do." We stayed married a while but deep down I always knew I was gay. Now I am in the best relationship of my life and I've finally found love. The reason I am telling you this is because at 19 you don't have to decide all of this right now. You are still becoming who you will be, whether that is gay, bi, or straight. If you want to continue that friendship then do that without the pressure on both of you.

I'm not trying to get a girlfriend just to fix this. As I haven't really tried the whole gay thing, I also haven't actually tried the straight thing either. Plus I've got someone in mind that I think might be interested in me. I do still want someone to hold but as this went along I realized that I actually didn't want that with him. It's still not completely all sorted out, but I'm going to give this a shot with her. I won't jump into marriage with anyone unless I'm sure that I'm in love with them. But I would like to thank you for warning me because there are people my age with the idea to get married just to cover up their sexuality. You are right to worry I would take that path.

As for the awkward, pressure filled situation, it was only awkward for when I first got there and felt like it always did when we hung out after about 10 minutes.

Also, and I think you were getting at this, I'm going to leave it alone for awhile now. We've had a discussion every time we were together about this for the last week and I'm sure that hasn't been easy for him. I think all it needs is time. And next time I feel this way about someone I need to take a step back and let it show me what it is rather than freaking out and trying to understand it all at once.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by crimson5476

I'm not trying to get a girlfriend just to fix this. As I haven't really tried the whole gay thing, I also haven't actually tried the straight thing either. Plus I've got someone in mind that I think might be interested in me. I do still want someone to hold but as this went along I realized that I actually didn't want that with him. It's still not completely all sorted out, but I'm gonna give this a shot with her. I won't jump into marriage with anyone unless I'm sure that I'm in love with them. But I would like to thank you for warning me because there are people my age with the idea to get married just to cover up their sexuality. You are right to worry I would take that path.

As for the awkward, pressure filled situation, it was only awkward for when I first got there and felt like it always did when we hung out after about 10 minutes.

Also, and I think you were getting at this, I'm going to leave it alone for awhile now. We've had a discussion every time we were together about this for the last week and I'm sure that hasn't been easy for him. I think all it needs is time. And next time I feel this way about someone I need to take a step back and let it show me what it is rather than freaking out and trying to understand it all at once.

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Sounds like you have thought it through completely and that is a good thing. And it also sounds like you are going to go back to having a really good friend which is something that is difficult to come by.

I knew I was gay from a very early age. I think most people do know. They just don't wake up and think "I am gay today". That is just my opinion. But what I always tell confused people is being gay is only a tiny part of the person and that the person needs to be fun being themselves.