Until a few short weeks ago I and everyone we knew thought that we had something special. That is when I caught him with another woman. Still he told me he loved me and she was just a friend. Then things spiralled down and he left. He says he got tired of hearing me say no when he wanted to go play pool or shuffleboard at the bar. His son is in the marines and headed to Iraq and he says I ignored his problem with this. He is currently living with people that drink and defintely don't like me. I'm not even allowed to call their house. When he calls me it is always from work so they won't know. I tell him I love him and will give him more freedom and trust. He says you say that now that I'm not there. He says he's confused and needs more time. I feel like he is slipping further away.He also tells me to go on with my life and these things just happen. He won't tell me he loves me only that I was in his heart a long time and he loves me like a friend. We had been together for 8 years and have children together. He says this has been happening for him for a long time. Yet when this all began and he asked for space he said he still loved me. We even made love the day before he moved out. He swears it is not this woman and when I told him I saw him kissing her he tried to deny it. My friend says he sounds like he wants to come home but is afraid. I don't hear that. I hear all the bad things. It is hard to give you a proper perspective of this whole relationship. I just need some advice. I want him back, how do I get him to want to come home?

Well if he really loves you as much as he says he dose then he will try to work on things with you.. but as for this other girl she has to have a part in it also if you saw them kissing then she cants just be a "friend" like he says it sounds to me like he wants to be with this girl and is scared to tell you that he wants to be with some one else you need to show him that u will change for him and not tell him no and will trust him and give him more freedom if he says "you tell me that now " Tell him to come back and you will prove it to him don't give up on trying show him that u love him and will do anything to get him back and this other girl he also needs to show you and prove to you that she is just a "friend" Tell him you want to be a family with him and that if he wants you and still loves you no matter what he will come back home Don't give up on him keep trying u never give up on something you want you keep trying till you get the one thing you want back and that is him good luck and let me know what happends :)

Thanks so much. Everyone just keeps telling me to get over him and I can't. I know this woman is not just a friend. She is part of the reason he doesn't want to come home right now. When I ask him if he still loves me he just says he doesn't know and he doesn't want to hurt me. I will keep telling him I love him and will make changes to make him happy. He is making this very hard. I have no idea where his friends live and he won't come see me yet. He even stopped calling for 5 days. I thought I was going to die. He called yesterday and I tell you it didn't sound good for me. Part of me thinks he is going through a midlife crisis and the other part thinks this is what happened to his first 2 marriages. I know he was with her last night she is a bartender at one of the bars he goes to and he is always there these days. I can't get in you need to be a member and of course the people he is living with are memebers and won't allow that. Got any ideas

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nursecarol1967

I will keep telling him I love him and will make changes to make him happy.

---

I'm sorry, but you can't "make him happy" no matter how many changes you make for him. If this has happened twice before in other marriages, it sounds like a pattern with him.

Quote:

---

He also tells me to go on with my life and these things just happen.

---

This is a rank cop-out. This is something he's choosing, not something that "just happened". You don't say how old he is, but midlife crisis does sound about right. Crises can be good things if they result in a change of self-destructive patterns, but it sounds like he's determined to persist in his. I'm sorry for your loss. The best you can do is focus on yourself and your healing.

I know what you are saying, my head tells me to move on and heal, but my heart can't let go. This is the same man who let my daughter paint his nails so she could practice. The same man who waited outside for me to come home from work so I didn't have to walk in alone. He walked me to my car everyday and called home from work at least 8 times a day. You can't tell me he just fell out of love with me and there is no hope. I know we had something special. I'm just not sure what happened or how to fix it.

I know how you are feeling right now. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of the healing process after he had an affair.
Everything logical told me to leave - but the emotional side said to stay.
We have a young child and I too, remembered all the good times. Memories kept playing in my head like a movie that I couldn't shut off. I couldn't/can't imagine my life with out him in it. For me, it was like giving up the air I breathe.
So, I know what you are feeling. You are angry for the betrayal and yet, you love him so much that it doesn't matter right now. And I also know that you probably want to lash out at the "other woman". I know I did! It was easier for me to put everything on her - but I have come to the realization that it wasn't all her.

If your partner isn't meeting you half way on this, it is going to be extremely hard to work it out. If he is telling you to move on, then maybe you should try. The writing maybe on the wall on how he feels about what should happen next.
You can not make this work alone, you just can't. And it seems that the more you reach out to him, the more he is pushing you away.
You may want to give him the space he needs so he can realize on his own what he wants. If you keep putting yourself out there, he doesn't have a chance to miss you and have that wake up call that he may not want to do this without you.
Like I said, I know how you are feeling - it is still RAW for me. I have asked myself a million times what I did wrong. If I had only done this or that better, maybe this would not of happened to me. But, at the end of the day, it wasn't me or my flaws - it was him and his.
I don't know if you believe in God, but I do and I have to tell you, God and I had some long talkes and I believe that He gave me the strength and guidance I so desperatly needed. You should give that a try if you haven't yet.
Good Luck to you.