Should new partners be in contact with their ex bf's (up to 3)and not have a problem with it even if I do?

I had this problem, it caused me a great deal of stress. Especially when feelings were still there. Tell your partner how you feel. You have to respect their decision to keep in contact, but if there is anything more than that going on, it could ruin the relationship you have or want to continue - communication is key!

I personally am not in favor of it.

I have a very good friend who got separated 2 yrs ago now. He now has found love in this great girl who even I care for a lot, she makes him smile and he is happy, but he is still in contact with his ex-wife who he was with for 14 years. His current girlfriend is OK with it, but she communicates with him when she feels certain things get out of hand.

Nothing wrong with friends, but if a situation makes you a little uncomfortable then you should express it honestly, and be prepared to do what it takes to look after your own interests. Also recognise is this her problem, or is it yours?

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Originally Posted by pauly990

should new partners be in contact with their ex bf's (up to 3)and not have a problem with it even if i do??

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I have conversed with her on numerous occasions regarding one particular (her last) boyfriend, and of course the discussions sometimes got heated but I tried to explain to her I was uncomfortable with the communication with him but she feeld guilty if she doesn't talk to him in case he does something like injure or kill himself she thinks she is to blame if she doesn't talk to him whenever he calls.
Another issue here is one of her other ex boyfriend (from about 4 1/2 yrs ago) keeps txting just to say "hi" she says they want to talk about their problems to her and she feels priviledged that they confide in her but again I'm not so comfortable with this for reasons I cannot explain probably like most guys out there.

Another discussion point is she has a male friend she has known for approx 2 1/2 years he used to board with her and her last ex boyfriend, she had problems with her boyfriend and the male friend would talk to her and they would talk about each others problems etc almost like a relationship but not sleeping etc just good friends. Her ex boyfriend didn't care what they did as he worked night shift, they used to go out to lunch, dinners and have wine and oysters at home her ex boyfriend didn't have a problem and I think it is because he didn't love her which he has told her and she told me as well so that is known. When I became her boyfriend I had told her I am different and didn't like the idea of her and the male friend who she thinks so highly of and I think sometimes she defends him more than me, having one on one time eg; coffee, drinks, lunch, afternoon food etc. so I told her and she said but I don't have a problem with it. I said but I do. I wouldn't go out with a female friend for any reason I'd rather go out with you!! So this is my dilemmas currently. Someone please give me some idea of what this means??
I am stuck in a place I don't know what to do. About 80% of people say she's not worth it just leave her but I can't just leave her. These issues might come up maybe once a fortnight sometimes more often. But when they are not in the picture god life is perfect.

HELP!!

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Originally Posted by Jiser

I had this problem, it caused me a great deal of stress. Especially when feelings were still there. Tell your partner how you feel. You have to respect their decision to keep in contact, but if there is anything more than that going on, it could ruin the relationship you have or want to continue - communication is key!

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I have conversed how I feel, in a round about way she said so!! I don't have a problem with so you shouldn't!!

Well if she does not care about you man.. I wouldn't care about her.. she isn't worth the effort.. I assume she is just keeping the boys around so if things don't work out with you she can just fall back to them.. I've been in that place before its was really dumb of me.. when your in a relationship it has to be about you guys.. not you and 3 old flames! It will never work

And that comment about how she isn't got a problem so you shouldn't.. just shows how young and foolish she is.. leave her man not worth it

You saying you can't leave her because this issue doesn't come up a lot!? Its an issue and she does not seem to want to work it out.. mate I know relationships is storm and sun shine.. but if you're the only one willing to work past the bad weather.. then well its never going to work

Take care

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Originally Posted by Krs

I personally am not in favor of it.

I have a very good friend who got seperated 2 yrs ago now. He now has found love in this great girl who even i care for alot, she makes him smile and he is happy, but he is still in contact with his ex-wife who he was with for 14 years. His current girlfriend is ok with it, but she communicates with him when she feels certain things get out of hand.

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My concern is her male friend I said it feels like she puts him on a pedestal above me and she told me not at all wich I was grateful to hear but I said but he is right underneath me though isn't he. She said " i cannot lie he is very close but he is not you," "i think of him as my brother"

But he kissed her once but she said she stopped it. Then at a later stage he told her he loves her. But again she said he "put him in his place" but being a guy I still think he has feeelings for her but she says they are gone, but I think if he had the chance he would do anything with her I can almost guarantee it 100%

Hey man for sure he wants to get into her panties! Its not his fault though he is probable being led on.. don't think she is innoncent in this she sounds like a total player!

I think they even sleept togther from the sound of it man.. don't let love blind you my friend

I know this hurts so much man.. I have been there.. many times.. its better in the end if you stand up for yourself and say I'm not going to accept this..

I always say I don't accept this but she says "i can see where your coming from but the friendship is plutonic and i don't have a problem with it"

well.. if it bothers you man that's the most important thing.. you have to make a choice then.. either live with it. And have huge doubt and worrie in your head.. you shouldn't stop her from having friends but remember these are X-s they never were friends.. I understand people out there with trust issues.. but normaly if we feel uneasy or not trusting.. we normaly have a reason to feel that way.. or if you want leave it alone and never bring it up again..
its hard man but think of what you would do for her.. if you knew that your making her unhappy or uneasy with someone wouldn't you do anything to make her not feel that way?

she just doesn't sound understanding..

I was in the same position, all her old flames were about. Constantly texting and ringing. She spoke to them on msn and lied to me at times. Perhaps she liked the attention or valued their past, I don't know. All I know is I won't ever be the ex friend - besides she's boring and doesn't do anything.

The problem with all of this is it made me entirely and completely insecure. She also grinded with her ex's whilst clubbing and kissed her ex. Love blinded me. I look back and I know it was unacceptable.

You can either put up with it or leave her. I would suspect there are still feelings for her ex's whatever they may be, they were ex's and they had relationships, you will allways have a place for each friendship and person you come across whatever level that may be. You have to respect her decision and have that doubt in your mind always or say to yourself enough is enough, if your not happy that is!

Don't be blinded by love when it leads to jealousy and insecurity. You are uncomfortable so that's what matters. You have expressed that, and nothing changes, you have resistance. Recognise that for as much good you enjoy, there is bad that comes with it. I agree with Jiser that you either except it and get what you get, or move on and get what you want. It is your choice so make it.

The context of your question is a bit unclear. Do you have a new girlfriend who is still in contact with 3 ex-boyfriends? If that's the case, then only you can decide if you're comfortable with that or not. There's no right or wrong answer and you have the right to make your own decision. Personally, I'd say that it does seem somewhat irregular. After all, they are (or should be) ex-boyfriends for a reason so I'd be hard-pressed to understand why she should still need to be in contact with them. As a result I'd go very slowly and cautiously and be alert to even the slightest red flag that pops up, concerning he ex-boyfriends and any other issue.

After reading your follow-up responses to the other posters on your thread, I think that this is a bad situation as you've described it. It doesn't sound like you're happy with things the way they are and it doesn't sound like she's going to change to appease you anytime soon. That being the case I think you have the right and responsibility to end it now.

Speaking as a female with a lot of male friends... I'd tell you to go to hell too, if you asked me to give them up for you. Did she ask YOU to give up any of your friends? Granted, there's a difference between exes and friends... but it sounds like the guy you REALLY have a problem with is just a friend.

As long as she's honest with you, and doesn't hide things from you--where's the problem?

I agree with other posters... you either need to accept the situation the way it is (because it's not going to change) or you need to move on.

I haven't asked her to give them up and I'm not about to all I am trying to tell her is I'm not comfortable with her having one on one time with them.

But that is where the problem starts, she thinks so highly of him and doesn't see a problem with that. She didn't tell me straight away about what he tried to do so I guess that's another reason why I don't like it

You could always move on, she isn't the only female on the planet.

Have you ever been invited out with them? If she includes you in anything they do then I would step back and think about it, if not then follow what you feel, its so easy for people to say you have the problem but I don't think so. If it makes you uncomfortable then I'm sure there's something to it...