Ask Me Help Desk - Short temper

Hello, me and my boyfriend are together for 2 years now, we live together. Every time I try to correct him in an act that went wrong, or something he said it's a war between us. Even if I say anything in the nicest way it ends up in yelling and insulting. When I point him on the mistakes he does, he always turns it back on me. I always have to ask him for an apology. I know I'm not perfect, no body is perfect, but I do try to control myself when we talk or get in an argument. He has promised me many times that he will control himself, but when he's in his temper he start yelling, insulting, pointing things back at me and this even ends up in fisical fight. He turns into a whole different person. When a discution doesn't end in a fight its because I shut my mouth and kept myself together. But he cant! He can't keep a promise of at least trying to control himself. I don't know what to do. I truly love him, and we do have a really nice relationschip until it comes to correcting him. Any advice peeps? Thank you very very much.

Why do you correct him and do you praise the things he does well? Maybe he sees you in the negative all the time if you aren't praising him for the good things. Sometimes you have to find even the smallest thing to praise. Also I would like to know do you accept him for what he is or are you trying to change everything about him?

Hi oliver, I appreciate your attention to my concern. I do praise him for everything he does for me, even the smallest, and he does the same to me. And I accept him for the way he is. He's a really nice person, good manners, he's a good man. I'm 26 and he's 35.

This is one example. Sometimes I work till late. When I come home when he's already sleeping, the door of the house has been left open. Windows open. Last time it rained and my PC got wet ( it still works though ). I told him about these things the nicest way I can, even though I was very pissed because I'm very concerned about thief's getting in the house. Last night windows has been left opened again. ( baby the windows has been left opened again, I told you about this things) he's reaction ; what! Don't talk to me like that, I never talk to you like this when you forget something... and this is how the arguing starts...

Me: why are you yelling back at me, if I don't talk to you this way you're never going to get a wake up call and take some responsibility. (remember. At this point I have already told'n him in a really nice way about this issue)

He's reaction: I'm giving you a wake up call right now of stop treating me like , and what do you know about responsibility! You're a childish woman.

And this is how I keep getting angrier because he's calling me childish while he can't take his responsibilities, and this is how we keep yelling until it gets in a fight. I want to control myself, that's why I just say sorry and walk away just to quit the huge arguing that can only end up in a fight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by linky

hi oliver, i appreciate your attention to my concern. i do praise him for everything he does for me, even the smallest, and he does the same to me. and i accept him for the way he is. he's a really nice person, good manners, he's a good man. I'm 26 and he's 35.

this is one example. sometimes i work till late. when i come home when he's already sleeping, the door of the house has been left open. windows open. last time it rained and my pc got wet ( it still works tho ). i told him about these things the nicest way i can, even tho i was very pissed because I'm very concerned about thief's getting in the house. last night windows has been left opened again. ( baby the windows has been left opened again, i told you about this things) he's reaction ; what! don't talk to me like that, i never talk to you like this when you forget something..... and this is how the arguing starts...

me: why are you yelling back at me, if i don't talk to you this way you're never gonna get a wake up call and take some responsibility. (remember. at this point i have already told'n him in a really nice way about this issue)

he's reaction: I'm giving you a wake up call right now of stop treating me like , and what do you know about responsibility! you're a childish woman.

and this is how i keep getting angrier because he's calling me childish while he can't take his responsibilities, and this is how we keep yelling until it gets in a fight. i want to control myself, thats why i just say sorry and walk away just to quit the huge arguing that can only end up in a fight.

You two aren't communicating regardless if it is said nicely or poorly or meanly. You two are talking past each other and you will continue to do this until you learn how to communicate.

I don't get the losing the temper thing. I've never been a temper person because honestly where does it get you? In fact my significant other only gets upset with me because I don't get upset about stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

You two aren't communicating regardless if it is said nicely or poorly or meanly. You two are talking past each other and you will continue to do this until you learn how to communicate.

I don't get the losing the temper thing. I've never been a temper person because honestly where does it get you? In fact my significant other only gets upset with me because I don't get upset about stuff.

You are right, we are not communicating. But I don't understand why we are not communicating. I make myself clear when I talk to him, he loses he's temper says something that doesn't make sense, and then the yelling starts. You know, sometimes we argue so much that I don't even remember what we were arguing for. It always starts because of the windows left opened and ends up with you are childish. We are always talking past each other like you said.
What am I doing wrong? What's the best way to communicate? How can I ignore his short temper and get him to listen to me?

Ps, In fact my significant other only gets upset with me because I don't get upset about stuff.
It's totally okay not to get upset about stuff, but you might show little interest to stuff by not getting upset, I mean like beign on the same page you know. Just sharing my opinion as a woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

You two aren't communicating regardless if it is said nicely or poorly or meanly. You two are talking past each other and you will continue to do this until you learn how to communicate.

I don't get the losing the temper thing. I've never been a temper person because honestly where does it get you? In fact my significant other only gets upset with me because I don't get upset about stuff.

I will let some of the experts answer that because they would know much more than I. I am an excellent communicator but I don't really know how I am doing it. It just appears that you two have developed a pattern of fighting and it is almost like you have accepted that pattern. You know what - I don't know about you but I have to live my life drama free. I can't stand it and life is too short.

Thanks - the relationship is new so we are still learning to know and accept each other. Well, at least being exclusive to each other is the new part. I do express a lot of emotions and I am generally a very cheerful person. I just don't get mad.

He's verbally abusing you, and physical fights means he's physically abusing you.

Placing blame on you is a classic method of abuse. If it's your fault (for doing/saying something the wrong way), then that gives him permission to get as angry as he wants and take it out on you. If it's your fault, then his anger and abuse is also your fault. If his abuse is your fault, then he doesn't have to feel guilty or try to stop it. It's the classiic reasoning an abuser goes through.

You need to leave him. He's emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing you. Nothing you say or do will make it better. When you stop fighting one level of abuse (because you're tired of the constant fighting, or have come to see it as normal and expected), then he'll escalate to a greater level. The yelling will eventually always be followed by hitting, until the hitting starts coming before the yelling.